I saw Karate Kid the other day and several things occurred to me..
*Ralph Macchio was REALLY an whiny bitch in this movie. I never noticed it before, but he's supposedly a 15 year old boy in this movie and yet, I kept seeing an early version of a Gilmore girl. Had I been Mr. Miyagi I would have let Johnny kick the shit out of him, woulda put some nuts in that basket!
* Elisabeth Shue as the "girlfriend?" Really? She looked like a linebacker next to Ralph. Was I the only one that noticed that? Not that she was a big girl or anything, but Ralph Macchio WAS PETITE. When she hugs him at the end, after Ralph gives the rainbow colored, flying flamer kick to Johhny's shnoz, she looks as if she's going to crack him in half! Plus all the romantic scenes between them just lost its affect when her head was bigger than his entire body.
*What happened to the guy that played Johnny? (Willy Zabka) Remember when he was in EVERYTHING?? Then 'poof' gone into the 80's time capsule. He was like the uber bully. I miss Willy. He was the guy you loved to hate before that annoying term "guy you love to hate" came into existence.
* I still get kind of "anxious" during the last few moments of Karate Kid. As if somehow, through my very own anxiety, the ending will totally change and Daniel will actually lose to the evil Johnny from Kobra Kai. Of course we all know he doesn't, but if you ever have the pleasure of watching this with me one day, watch my face get nice and tense during the end. I can't decide if that means the movie is so good that, even though you know the ending, it still keeps you on the edge of your seat.. or that I'm a total loser. Evidence is leaning towards the latter.....
Speaking of endings during movies...I can watch some movies over and over again and STILL get tense during the end. For example, "The Perfect Storm," a movie, that no matter what I'm doing, I will get sucked into watching til the very end. And like clockwork, I will always bombard Brad with "why didn't they??" remarks....
"why didn't they try to fix that ice shaver thingy again so their fish would keep longer...that way they wouldn't have had to fight the storm to get home."
"why didn't they keep trying to refuel that plane? They just gave up and jumped out?! that's silly.. if they had refueled, those men would have never died!"
"why didn't he just turn that boat around when he saw the giant wall wave? They could have just fought the waves all night long until the storm cleared."
..and on and on and on.. I just want the ending to CHANGE. I know. Its a true story, so a happy ending will never be. But I'm an optimist.. I keep thinking, through SHEER mind power, I can save that fishing boat. And finally, the ridiculous topper, at the very end when Mark Wahlberg is just floating around waiting to die.. I think, "Wouldn't it be great if he survived the night and swam back to his girlfriend?"
I know.
I'm an idiot.
Some movies have such a troublesome ending that I won't watch it again. I've only seen "Million Dollar Baby" once. I LOVED the movie but was horribly let down by the ending. What's the point of watching it again? I don't have enough positive sheer will to even fool myself into thinking that the ending could be different or could have the possiblility of being different in this movie. It doesn't even "tease" you with any hope. I just need a "tease" of hope so I can brainwash myself into thinking that the ending could be different the fifth time around.
The two ultimate movies that I LOVE to watch? "Rudy" and "Over The Top." I know, my lame factor goes up a couple notches for just typing that out, I think even mentioned "Over The Top" as one of those embarassing things I like but won't readily admit to. But time and time again, I will happily strap myself into the emotional roller coaster that is "Rudy" and "Over The Top".
I will lament and pull for Rudy as his dream of playing for Notre Dame appear to be slipping away.
I think, "Hang in there ol' Rudy ol' boy! you'll get your chance! Just keep those grades up!"
I'll curse the evil grandfather from "Over The Top" for brainwashing poor little Michael against his misunderstood, down and out father, Lincoln Hawk.
I think, "Michael, oh Michael, just give your father a chance, you'll see, he's a good guy! It's your grandfather that's evil. Your father can only be the arm wrestling champion if he has you cheering him on!"
Also, while watching movies, I have also found a hidden "moral of the story" that applies to most movies.
That moral is: "Testosterone Kills."
I think this is the hidden moral in the "Perfect Storm." Let's look back shall we? Billy Tyne, sees he's not getting enough fish as his counterpart (a woman), so he goes out, almost past the Grand Banks to catch them fish, then tries to fight the storm so they can go home and show how much fish they caught.....if estrogen had any say in it, it would have been,
"you know, this fishing ain't all its cracked up to be, I think I'll just go get an office job."
another example? "Troy." Brad was going to head out of after invading Troy, since he detested the king he was fighting for. But all of a sudden, guess who got a testosterone surge??.. his young cousin, who, posing as Achilles, got killed by The Incredible Hulk AKA Eric Bana... Achilles gets pissed, more people die. See?? Testosterone KILLS. Had his cousin been a chick, she would have been like, "Phew! Glad to see he's in a better mood, let's blow this joint! Tent living is giving my hair the frizzies!"
When testosterone is involved in movies, time and time again, it proves to be deadly!
Monday, January 30, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Dry Heaves.....(random stuff)
Please excuse my previous rant about Brandon Routh not being fit to play Superman. After seeing this picture of Mr. Routh:
It reminded me a whole lot of my first love:
So I take it back, I'm on board with the new Superman.....for now.
On a previous post I mentioned Fergie's wierd stomach, but after seeing Tara Reid's science experiment stomach, (picture IS NOT for the faint of heart..)
Fergie's abs looks absolutely fabulous compared to THAT. ugh. I had to go wash my eyes out with Clorox after seeing that picture!
Speaking of things that are a total mess, I have never in my life looked at a person and thought, "You know, they probably smell like fish chum." UNTIL I saw Flavor Flav. I think if I walked past him, I would immediately have a need to take a hot shower and scrub myself with gravel until I turn a nice shade of pink.
I remembered yet ANOTHER celebrity I met and I can't BELIEVE I forgot her, because I absolutely LOVE this person. I met Jenny McCarthy in college. I went to her book signing of "Jen-X," and I remember that she was absolutely thrilled to see me in line since I was the only girl there. (One half of the line were horny pre-pubescent boys that didn't read the book and just looked at the pictures and the other bunch were horny old men who didn't read the book and just looked at the pictures.). When I was within view, she screamed, "A girl! Hello down there! Woman POWER!!" She actually got up and hugged me when I got up to her then, instead of just signing my book, she put: "From one playboy playmate to another, love Jenny." She was forever on my cool list after that.
Her other books, "Belly Laughs," and "Baby Laughs," are a must read for moms. She's hilarious and gorgeous, I just love Jenny!
Can we STOP with all this talk about how Jennifer Aniston is "coping" after finding out that her EX-husband is having a baby with Jolie? "
Oh my god, look how BRAVE she is, putting on a smile for the cameras! What COURAGE!" Yeah, poor Ms. Aniston, I'm sure she's coping as she decides which multi-million dollar house she should be depressed in and which $3,000 dollar bag she should buy to hide all her snotty Kleenex tissues. Yeah, she's so brave. I mean, how can she possibly get on a plane and go on vacation with Vince Vaughn at the Poconos with all this "turmoil" going on in her life? That woman is just a PILLAR of strength!
Hollywood is so twisted.
Want to see REAL courage and REAL strength? Read my friend Kim's blog about her dad. That, my friends, is honest to goodness courage and strength, no tabloids needed.
.. and even more evidence that Hollywood is twisted, I'm still boggled that Woody Allen is allowed to work in Hollywood let alone show his scrawny little face in public. Reminder: HE MARRIED HIS DAUGHTER. ew ew ew, double Alabama ew. Oh yeah, they're NOT blood related, but doesn't adopting usually mean that you're going to be a PARENT? Not grooming your next bride to be! You KNOW if a woman did something similiar in Hollywood she would be blacklisted, blackballed and never allowed to work in Hollywood again.
Paris attended a deposition in regards to being sued by Zeta Graff, an ex of her former fiance' Paris Latsis. During her deposition, she further revealed why she really is nothing but a warm hole for for rich, Greek heirs to stick it into. Here are some of her *GEMS:
On Greek names: Hilton says on pal has "a wierd Greek name. Like Douglas."
On Geography: When asked about reading the U.K. press, Hilton replied.."No.. there was stuff in London." Reminded that London WAS IN the U.K., Hilton replied, "Right. U.K. Whatever."
Her rep tells US Magazine that what people should focus on is that Paris told the truth.
No, what people should focus on is the back of her head.. .as they swing a bat to it.
You know how there supposedly some people that have 'star quality' right off the bat and that's why they became so famous? Well I think I have the art of knowing who DOESN'T have 'star quality.' For example, Jenna Elfman. I can't explain why this woman is so repelling to me, but judging from her last few failed TV sitcoms, I'm not the only one feeling this. She has another show coming out called "Courting Alex." I'm too repelled to watch. Another star repellent is Amanda Peet. Everything she's been in sucks.. when she's the main character. She should accept her calling in life ("supporting cast") and run with it. A Reese Witherspoon you shall never be.
Speaking of Reese. I love this woman for being so talented, pretty and yet, somehow, she's managed to avoid the "Hollywood Crack" diet. I actually CAN'T see her collarbone and from behind, she has a real life butt and not just a spinal cord protruding through her back.
How absolutely refreshing!
FINALLY.....
Two new websites I'm currently addicted to that rate high on the "laugh snort" meter is:
Engrish.com, which has pictures on how Japan and other Asian countries misuse the English language. For example:
And The Gallery of the Absurd, which had amazing artwork of celebrities such as this:
Is this genius or what????
It reminded me a whole lot of my first love:
So I take it back, I'm on board with the new Superman.....for now.
On a previous post I mentioned Fergie's wierd stomach, but after seeing Tara Reid's science experiment stomach, (picture IS NOT for the faint of heart..)
Fergie's abs looks absolutely fabulous compared to THAT. ugh. I had to go wash my eyes out with Clorox after seeing that picture!
Speaking of things that are a total mess, I have never in my life looked at a person and thought, "You know, they probably smell like fish chum." UNTIL I saw Flavor Flav. I think if I walked past him, I would immediately have a need to take a hot shower and scrub myself with gravel until I turn a nice shade of pink.
I remembered yet ANOTHER celebrity I met and I can't BELIEVE I forgot her, because I absolutely LOVE this person. I met Jenny McCarthy in college. I went to her book signing of "Jen-X," and I remember that she was absolutely thrilled to see me in line since I was the only girl there. (One half of the line were horny pre-pubescent boys that didn't read the book and just looked at the pictures and the other bunch were horny old men who didn't read the book and just looked at the pictures.). When I was within view, she screamed, "A girl! Hello down there! Woman POWER!!" She actually got up and hugged me when I got up to her then, instead of just signing my book, she put: "From one playboy playmate to another, love Jenny." She was forever on my cool list after that.
Her other books, "Belly Laughs," and "Baby Laughs," are a must read for moms. She's hilarious and gorgeous, I just love Jenny!
Can we STOP with all this talk about how Jennifer Aniston is "coping" after finding out that her EX-husband is having a baby with Jolie? "
Oh my god, look how BRAVE she is, putting on a smile for the cameras! What COURAGE!" Yeah, poor Ms. Aniston, I'm sure she's coping as she decides which multi-million dollar house she should be depressed in and which $3,000 dollar bag she should buy to hide all her snotty Kleenex tissues. Yeah, she's so brave. I mean, how can she possibly get on a plane and go on vacation with Vince Vaughn at the Poconos with all this "turmoil" going on in her life? That woman is just a PILLAR of strength!
Hollywood is so twisted.
Want to see REAL courage and REAL strength? Read my friend Kim's blog about her dad. That, my friends, is honest to goodness courage and strength, no tabloids needed.
.. and even more evidence that Hollywood is twisted, I'm still boggled that Woody Allen is allowed to work in Hollywood let alone show his scrawny little face in public. Reminder: HE MARRIED HIS DAUGHTER. ew ew ew, double Alabama ew. Oh yeah, they're NOT blood related, but doesn't adopting usually mean that you're going to be a PARENT? Not grooming your next bride to be! You KNOW if a woman did something similiar in Hollywood she would be blacklisted, blackballed and never allowed to work in Hollywood again.
Paris attended a deposition in regards to being sued by Zeta Graff, an ex of her former fiance' Paris Latsis. During her deposition, she further revealed why she really is nothing but a warm hole for for rich, Greek heirs to stick it into. Here are some of her *GEMS:
On Greek names: Hilton says on pal has "a wierd Greek name. Like Douglas."
On Geography: When asked about reading the U.K. press, Hilton replied.."No.. there was stuff in London." Reminded that London WAS IN the U.K., Hilton replied, "Right. U.K. Whatever."
Her rep tells US Magazine that what people should focus on is that Paris told the truth.
No, what people should focus on is the back of her head.. .as they swing a bat to it.
You know how there supposedly some people that have 'star quality' right off the bat and that's why they became so famous? Well I think I have the art of knowing who DOESN'T have 'star quality.' For example, Jenna Elfman. I can't explain why this woman is so repelling to me, but judging from her last few failed TV sitcoms, I'm not the only one feeling this. She has another show coming out called "Courting Alex." I'm too repelled to watch. Another star repellent is Amanda Peet. Everything she's been in sucks.. when she's the main character. She should accept her calling in life ("supporting cast") and run with it. A Reese Witherspoon you shall never be.
Speaking of Reese. I love this woman for being so talented, pretty and yet, somehow, she's managed to avoid the "Hollywood Crack" diet. I actually CAN'T see her collarbone and from behind, she has a real life butt and not just a spinal cord protruding through her back.
How absolutely refreshing!
FINALLY.....
Two new websites I'm currently addicted to that rate high on the "laugh snort" meter is:
Engrish.com, which has pictures on how Japan and other Asian countries misuse the English language. For example:
And The Gallery of the Absurd, which had amazing artwork of celebrities such as this:
Is this genius or what????
Online Pimp... a true story.
(DISCLAIMER: This was when I was young, stupid and it was BEFORE Maddilicious was part of Team Chaney. )
If you asked me five years what my new job was, I would’ve simply mumbled, “administrative assistant” and changed the subject. Because no one knew that the only assisting I was doing was assisting my boss, *Scott, meet chicks online.
I was an online pimp and this is my story.
I met Scott when I interviewed for this alleged “administrative assistant” position. The good news, I got the job right away. The bad news, he wasn’t really looking for an assistant. He actually wanted to take a crack at dating online. Scott had tried himself a few times, but these “stinkin’ high maintenance women” actually wanted to "GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER" before meeting in person! Scott didn’t have the attention span to sit at his computer for more than ten minutes. This is where I come into his master plan. I accepted the job because I had just recently been laid off and needed to work right away plus he told me I could work from home (working in pajamas? SCHWEET!). I accepted his offer, not fully realizing what I was getting into.
On paper, Scott didn’t seem like a bad catch. He was a successful businessman, made tons of money, owned two homes and wasn’t completely horrible to look at. Sure, his hair looked as if he just rolled out of bed thirty years ago and never bothered to comb it since and his suit always seemed lopsided somehow, but put it all together with his goofy grin and naturally slurred speech (think Anna Nicole) he was kind of endearing, like a three legged puppy. Armed with his personal information, his photos and criteria for what type of women he was looking for (mid twenties, early thirties, blonde and breathing.) I was prepped and ready to go. I signed him up on fifteen online dating services and started searching for potential dates (unsuspecting “Johns”) for Scott (my bitch). I was to pose as Scott online and keep a correspondence with these women until they were willing to meet him in person. Easy enough right? Not quite.
I immediately started getting responses from women who were interested. It was scary how easy it was to pick up women online and even scarier still how willing they were to invite some STRANGER (in this case, unbeknownst to them, a married woman!) over for dinner at their place! I collected phone numbers, saved chats online and kept a record of each woman’s personal bio and pictures. It was organized in such a way that when Scott had to talk to them on the phone, he picked up where I left off…. Or at least, that was the plan.
Unfortunately, poor Scott really didn’t pick up where I left off. While the ladies loved talking to the Scott online (me)… they were baffled when they finally spoke to Scott on the phone. I got a glimpse of his social handicap when Scott put me on three-way call when he contacted one of the ladies I had been chatting with. He decided to call a potential date that wanted to meet him as well as bake him cookies. It was disastrous... ..and he only spoke with her answering machine! He began the message simply enough,
“Hi *Jennifer, this is Scott from the Internet?”
Then the message took a sharp left turn into Wierdsville.
“Umm, I look forward to your chocolate chip cookies … I love cookies. (Jennifer had made a mention online about baking him cookies so this was his "witty" attempt to work it into the message) Especially when they are hot right out of the oven, huh.. huh.. huh..!"
The term "right out of the oven" took on a perverty old man quality because of his inane, almost crazy, giggling. It wouldn’t have been so bad I guess, but it was VERY obvious he was reading it right off an online chat I had with her that he printed out. I could even HEAR him shuffling the papers! I was mortified. I had hoped he would wrap it up and just say good-bye but, like the Energizer bunny, he kept going and going and going ...
“I love cookies. Oh, I think I said that, huh huh! I look forward to meeting you. I will call you back. Umm this is Scott, if I hadn’t mentioned that already.” I’m so sorry you’re not home."
It started to sound like a bad Dick & Jane book. But Casanova kept at it.
“My phone number is 555-5555. I really want to get together sometime. Umm … take care … have a great day … talk to you later … bye, bye.”
After he hung up, I was ready to console him, to tell him it wasn’t “that bad” and that he’d do a better job at talking to her one on one. Except, I didn’t need to console him because he thought he did a damn great job, especially that “oh so clever” line about the cookies! This date was in the bag for sure!
He was giddy.
I was speechless.
Getting him a date was going to be harder than I thought. Scott didn’t seem to understand the simple give and take process that takes place in a conversation between two adult people. He was so busy “trying” to have a conversation and figuring out what to say next, that he didn’t have time to pay attention to what the other person was saying. This resulted in pointless conversational banter that was usually a one-man show. (Starring SCOTT!!) I even tried to set him up with my single friend who had a soft spot for oddballs like him. Even she was taken aback by their conversation. He called her on his cell phone while driving around with his buddy. During this conversation, he was also giving directions to his buddy with absolutely no change of tone in his voice. As a result, she didn’t know whether he was talking to her or his friend.
“Hi Desi, how are you? Turn left. I’m glad to finally get to talk to you after all our online conversations. Sharp right here, see that church over there? Yeah right there. So are you there? Left again over here. Desi? Do you want to go out to dinner sometime? okay, pull into the parking lot.”
Desi was speechless.
She never called back. In fact, none of the girls he called ever called back. I started getting rejection emails from them right after they spoke to him on the phone. I had to change my tactics. I decided to bypass the phone number and go straight for the jugular and ask them to meet for coffee. Maybe, just maybe, Scott would fare better in person. Hopefully the “poor but lovable, three-legged puppy vibe” he exuded would win over some girls. I invited every girl I had been chatting/emailing online to go out and surprisingly, I had a few takers! Scott on the other hand, was a different story. For a guy who wanted to go on dates, he sure went out of his way to avoid going! The first date was to take place at a coffee shop and he knew three days in advance that this date was scheduled. I got a call from him two hours before the date, informing me that he couldn’t make it because he was at Disneyland (mind you, he lived in San Diego which was roughly about two hours away from Disneyland!) He didn’t plan on going to Disneyland but YET, there he was! To this day, I didn’t understand his explanation on how he got to Disneyland; but he appeared to be as surprised as I was that he was there, as if he was bagged and gagged by Mickey himself. Scott wanted me to call him back with his date’s phone number so he could break off the date. Upon calling him back, he REFUSED to answer his phone! I didn’t want this poor woman to be stood up at the coffee shop, so I posed as his personal secretary and called off the date myself. I was infuriated!
I began to wonder exactly what his intentions were when he cancelled date after date with lame excuses like “unexpected work” or “car problems”. I’m surprised he didn’t throw in “cramps” or “bad hair day” as an excuse too. It went downhill from there. I got snippy with him on the phone when he blamed ME for his lack of dates. I kept asking him what he wanted but in the end, he was as lost as I was.
His last ditch attempt to email EVERY GIRL on each website to see who answers, was the last straw for me. I couldn’t, in good conscience, set up normal women looking for love with Scott. I got to know him in those few weeks and in my humble opinion, he didn’t need an online dating pimp, he really needed some good ol’ fashioned therapy. Throw in a few classes on socializing with HUMAN BEINGS and he’d be golden! But alas! I am not a therapist and I didn’t have enough patience or the superpowers to teach Scott how to be a smooth.
So after a month and a half, I hung up my hat and said goodbye to my shady pimping past.
Sometimes, when I see The Anna Nicole show or a bad hairpiece, I think of Scott and wonder if he ever found love. Despite his odd ways, I believe he was a nice guy who just didn’t have a clue. I wish him the best, wherever he is, and I really hope he’s found someone like himself to have long pointless conversations and who’s up for spontaneous trips to Disneyland.
If you asked me five years what my new job was, I would’ve simply mumbled, “administrative assistant” and changed the subject. Because no one knew that the only assisting I was doing was assisting my boss, *Scott, meet chicks online.
I was an online pimp and this is my story.
I met Scott when I interviewed for this alleged “administrative assistant” position. The good news, I got the job right away. The bad news, he wasn’t really looking for an assistant. He actually wanted to take a crack at dating online. Scott had tried himself a few times, but these “stinkin’ high maintenance women” actually wanted to "GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER" before meeting in person! Scott didn’t have the attention span to sit at his computer for more than ten minutes. This is where I come into his master plan. I accepted the job because I had just recently been laid off and needed to work right away plus he told me I could work from home (working in pajamas? SCHWEET!). I accepted his offer, not fully realizing what I was getting into.
On paper, Scott didn’t seem like a bad catch. He was a successful businessman, made tons of money, owned two homes and wasn’t completely horrible to look at. Sure, his hair looked as if he just rolled out of bed thirty years ago and never bothered to comb it since and his suit always seemed lopsided somehow, but put it all together with his goofy grin and naturally slurred speech (think Anna Nicole) he was kind of endearing, like a three legged puppy. Armed with his personal information, his photos and criteria for what type of women he was looking for (mid twenties, early thirties, blonde and breathing.) I was prepped and ready to go. I signed him up on fifteen online dating services and started searching for potential dates (unsuspecting “Johns”) for Scott (my bitch). I was to pose as Scott online and keep a correspondence with these women until they were willing to meet him in person. Easy enough right? Not quite.
I immediately started getting responses from women who were interested. It was scary how easy it was to pick up women online and even scarier still how willing they were to invite some STRANGER (in this case, unbeknownst to them, a married woman!) over for dinner at their place! I collected phone numbers, saved chats online and kept a record of each woman’s personal bio and pictures. It was organized in such a way that when Scott had to talk to them on the phone, he picked up where I left off…. Or at least, that was the plan.
Unfortunately, poor Scott really didn’t pick up where I left off. While the ladies loved talking to the Scott online (me)… they were baffled when they finally spoke to Scott on the phone. I got a glimpse of his social handicap when Scott put me on three-way call when he contacted one of the ladies I had been chatting with. He decided to call a potential date that wanted to meet him as well as bake him cookies. It was disastrous... ..and he only spoke with her answering machine! He began the message simply enough,
“Hi *Jennifer, this is Scott from the Internet?”
Then the message took a sharp left turn into Wierdsville.
“Umm, I look forward to your chocolate chip cookies … I love cookies. (Jennifer had made a mention online about baking him cookies so this was his "witty" attempt to work it into the message) Especially when they are hot right out of the oven, huh.. huh.. huh..!"
The term "right out of the oven" took on a perverty old man quality because of his inane, almost crazy, giggling. It wouldn’t have been so bad I guess, but it was VERY obvious he was reading it right off an online chat I had with her that he printed out. I could even HEAR him shuffling the papers! I was mortified. I had hoped he would wrap it up and just say good-bye but, like the Energizer bunny, he kept going and going and going ...
“I love cookies. Oh, I think I said that, huh huh! I look forward to meeting you. I will call you back. Umm this is Scott, if I hadn’t mentioned that already.” I’m so sorry you’re not home."
It started to sound like a bad Dick & Jane book. But Casanova kept at it.
“My phone number is 555-5555. I really want to get together sometime. Umm … take care … have a great day … talk to you later … bye, bye.”
After he hung up, I was ready to console him, to tell him it wasn’t “that bad” and that he’d do a better job at talking to her one on one. Except, I didn’t need to console him because he thought he did a damn great job, especially that “oh so clever” line about the cookies! This date was in the bag for sure!
He was giddy.
I was speechless.
Getting him a date was going to be harder than I thought. Scott didn’t seem to understand the simple give and take process that takes place in a conversation between two adult people. He was so busy “trying” to have a conversation and figuring out what to say next, that he didn’t have time to pay attention to what the other person was saying. This resulted in pointless conversational banter that was usually a one-man show. (Starring SCOTT!!) I even tried to set him up with my single friend who had a soft spot for oddballs like him. Even she was taken aback by their conversation. He called her on his cell phone while driving around with his buddy. During this conversation, he was also giving directions to his buddy with absolutely no change of tone in his voice. As a result, she didn’t know whether he was talking to her or his friend.
“Hi Desi, how are you? Turn left. I’m glad to finally get to talk to you after all our online conversations. Sharp right here, see that church over there? Yeah right there. So are you there? Left again over here. Desi? Do you want to go out to dinner sometime? okay, pull into the parking lot.”
Desi was speechless.
She never called back. In fact, none of the girls he called ever called back. I started getting rejection emails from them right after they spoke to him on the phone. I had to change my tactics. I decided to bypass the phone number and go straight for the jugular and ask them to meet for coffee. Maybe, just maybe, Scott would fare better in person. Hopefully the “poor but lovable, three-legged puppy vibe” he exuded would win over some girls. I invited every girl I had been chatting/emailing online to go out and surprisingly, I had a few takers! Scott on the other hand, was a different story. For a guy who wanted to go on dates, he sure went out of his way to avoid going! The first date was to take place at a coffee shop and he knew three days in advance that this date was scheduled. I got a call from him two hours before the date, informing me that he couldn’t make it because he was at Disneyland (mind you, he lived in San Diego which was roughly about two hours away from Disneyland!) He didn’t plan on going to Disneyland but YET, there he was! To this day, I didn’t understand his explanation on how he got to Disneyland; but he appeared to be as surprised as I was that he was there, as if he was bagged and gagged by Mickey himself. Scott wanted me to call him back with his date’s phone number so he could break off the date. Upon calling him back, he REFUSED to answer his phone! I didn’t want this poor woman to be stood up at the coffee shop, so I posed as his personal secretary and called off the date myself. I was infuriated!
I began to wonder exactly what his intentions were when he cancelled date after date with lame excuses like “unexpected work” or “car problems”. I’m surprised he didn’t throw in “cramps” or “bad hair day” as an excuse too. It went downhill from there. I got snippy with him on the phone when he blamed ME for his lack of dates. I kept asking him what he wanted but in the end, he was as lost as I was.
His last ditch attempt to email EVERY GIRL on each website to see who answers, was the last straw for me. I couldn’t, in good conscience, set up normal women looking for love with Scott. I got to know him in those few weeks and in my humble opinion, he didn’t need an online dating pimp, he really needed some good ol’ fashioned therapy. Throw in a few classes on socializing with HUMAN BEINGS and he’d be golden! But alas! I am not a therapist and I didn’t have enough patience or the superpowers to teach Scott how to be a smooth.
So after a month and a half, I hung up my hat and said goodbye to my shady pimping past.
Sometimes, when I see The Anna Nicole show or a bad hairpiece, I think of Scott and wonder if he ever found love. Despite his odd ways, I believe he was a nice guy who just didn’t have a clue. I wish him the best, wherever he is, and I really hope he’s found someone like himself to have long pointless conversations and who’s up for spontaneous trips to Disneyland.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
What? WHo? where?
I'm so unbelievably tired that I can't even believe I'm attempting to blog today, but here I am, writing in a coma. So the only thing that I'm capable of doing today is a good ol' random post about celebrities.
A REAL quote from Ryan Seacrest in this week's USMagazine:
" I look for a woman that really knows how to put shoes, belts and purses together."
Umm.. by "woman" you mean "man" right Ryan? Can someone tell this guy that he has crossed over the metro line and has officially become mayor of gay town?
*Now I usually try and not talk about Fergie (AKA Stacy Ferguson) from Black Eyed Peas, because
A.) her dad was my favorite teacher in high school B.) The B.E.P.s rock the house.
But after turning my head away from some of her bad fashion choices, peeing on herself during a concert (side effects from tranny operation?) and the fact that her face is slowly morphing into Gene Shalit's, I couldn't hold myself in any longer...what is going ON with her stomach in this picture? Especially that gaping hold on her right side. It looks like she got a discount lipo by Dr. Stevie Wonder. She's got some "lumps" alright.. they're just not as lovely as she claimed.
*Brangelina is pregnant and the Judge grants Jolie's adopted kids with Pitt's name. BUT they STILL haven't answer the real question...are Brad and Angelina DATING?!?
*Katie Holmes' new movie, "Thank You For Smoking," premiered at the Sundance Film Festival but the film was mysteriously missing a sex scene that Katie had with co-star Aaron Eckart. They CLAIM that the projectionist screwed up the reels and left it at that. I personally went up there and checked on the projectionist myself and he was passed out cold! After reviving him, he reportedly claimed that someone had come into the booth, screeched "DIE ALIEN SEED!" and konked him over the head. Police are currently looking for this man:
A REAL quote from Ryan Seacrest in this week's USMagazine:
" I look for a woman that really knows how to put shoes, belts and purses together."
Umm.. by "woman" you mean "man" right Ryan? Can someone tell this guy that he has crossed over the metro line and has officially become mayor of gay town?
*Now I usually try and not talk about Fergie (AKA Stacy Ferguson) from Black Eyed Peas, becauseA.) her dad was my favorite teacher in high school B.) The B.E.P.s rock the house.
But after turning my head away from some of her bad fashion choices, peeing on herself during a concert (side effects from tranny operation?) and the fact that her face is slowly morphing into Gene Shalit's, I couldn't hold myself in any longer...what is going ON with her stomach in this picture? Especially that gaping hold on her right side. It looks like she got a discount lipo by Dr. Stevie Wonder. She's got some "lumps" alright.. they're just not as lovely as she claimed.
*Brangelina is pregnant and the Judge grants Jolie's adopted kids with Pitt's name. BUT they STILL haven't answer the real question...are Brad and Angelina DATING?!?
*Katie Holmes' new movie, "Thank You For Smoking," premiered at the Sundance Film Festival but the film was mysteriously missing a sex scene that Katie had with co-star Aaron Eckart. They CLAIM that the projectionist screwed up the reels and left it at that. I personally went up there and checked on the projectionist myself and he was passed out cold! After reviving him, he reportedly claimed that someone had come into the booth, screeched "DIE ALIEN SEED!" and konked him over the head. Police are currently looking for this man:
