Saturday, May 14, 2011

The New Face Of me the sads. :-(

I'm behind on my blog posts by a week but instead of playing catch up, let's just fast forward this bitch to this week's focus 52 word: FEMININE.

Damn. I thought I had covered all that is feminine by doing an entire post on Pippa's derrière, but now that enough time has passed for my body to expel all the liquid sappy sap that my cup runneth over with due to the Royal Wedding (except I'm still buying 'collectible' magazines like they're actually collectible, so there's some film left at the bottom of the cup. If you see me sporting a real replica of Diana's blue engagement ring please shove it far up my ass. Don't worry. I have sanitizing wipes.)

Anyways, its come to my attention that Pippa isn't that hot - FACE wise.


Then I see Chaz Bono on Oprah basically chopping off both her feminines and throwing them in the garbage. I cringed but secretly envied him for being able to walk around with his shirt off. And really, Oprah could have cut that interview short. I believe him when he says he feels like a man inside because only a man would have thought it appropriate to wear that Men's Warehouse abortion to the Oprah Show:

Tough week to get inspired by anything feminine. Well at least that's what I thought until I saw this vision of femininity:

You heard it here first, tendons and ripple-y tittie balls (seriously. WHAT is going on with those things, are they morphing into accordions??) is the new feminine and Janice is leading the way to this new vision of female.

I realize we can't all live up to Janice's in-your-face, I'm so feminine I have a vagina where my mouth used to be image, but there's a lot of girls out there that could be in her enviable spot a couple years from now. Thank goodness we live in a time where we can alter what God has given us because clearly his vision of femininity is old fashioned and outdated. Why He chose not to give stick thin 85 pound girls breasts the size of her head is clearly a flaw in his design. Why can't we all have giant lips God hmm? Playing favorites are we? Skin that wrinkles over time?? Unacceptable! People might think that we're ....(gasp) ...getting OLD! It's wonderful that we can now inject just enough poison into our skin to get rid of that nuisance and freeze our faces into a time much younger than the actual years we've lived.

I initially wanted this post to be like a PSA on how plastic surgery is KILLING all things feminine BEYOND our lovely pert and smooth twenties - so not my style to stand on my soapbox and preach. When I stand on my soapbox, I'm just happy to be up where the normal people are - and truth be told, any box, wedgie heel, or dead body I can stand on will do just fine. And anyways, those Janice pictures pretty much tell the story. Fighting Mother Nature/God is not only a losing battle but it's a battle fought uphill. And that hill is lined with shards of glass and sharp rocks that you're climbing face down. When one has reached the top of the plastic surgery hill, its clear who the winner is (hint: not you) :

First bitch to plant a flag on top of the mountain.

Again, I'm not talking about maintenance (moisturizers, scrubs, hair coloring,). Maintenance is necessary and good. I'm straight talking about sticking needles dripping full of botulism in your face, saltwater bags in your chest, and whatever the hell they put into lips (your ass fat?) to make them look like you dug a baboon's ass out of a dumpster and stuck them to your face. (why would a baboon's would ass be in a dumpster is something we'll have to just discuss later..). Even a little bit of plastic surgery seems to be more than its worth - it just gets you going on the road to 'way too much' plastic surgery land. You'll know the place when you get there because Kenny Rogers will be greeting you at the gate:

Fact: Kenny Rogers hasn't blinked in years.

When you look at all that work, time and effort, is aging really that bad?

Diane Keaton doesn't give a fuuuuck...something worth looking up to.

The moral of the post is being feminine does not include 1 or 2 days of recovery from being sliced on, nor does it include a misplaced labia just kickin' it on your face inexplicably, all huge, red and disturbing the other patrons. So please, ladies, gents, and that twat that gave her 8 year old daughter botox, STOP the MADNESS before the whole world turns into a freak show.

Eww. This kind of did turn into a PSA didn't it? And it kind of veered way from the whole 'feminine' thing. I'll be back to my ol' hairy sacks and drippy dick joke self on my next post.


Erica said...

So true. But also hilarious.

CP said...

Have you SEEN Bristol Palin's "new face?" I actually had an argument with people on FB who told me "No, she didn't have plastic surgery. She just lost some weeeeeight!"

Um, no bitches. Losing weight will remove fat from your face. What it won't do is A) give you a pointy chin where you didn't have one before, B) stick veneers on your teeth and C) Raise your eyebrows up onto the middle of your forehead til the "double rainbow" guy points at you and says "oooooh!!"

I have been a plastic surgery nurse for TEN years, and I am sitting here arguing with these bitches. Three days ago, Bristol comes out of her (new horse) face and says "I had a little jaw surgery done."

BWAH! Vindication, bitches! Don't fuck with MY trained eye! LOL

PS: Janice Dickinson's tits scare me. Hold me?

Jan said...

Who is that woman that "planted the flag"??? OMG!
I love Diane Keaton. She's whacked, but I love her :)

LadyHAHA said...

CP: You don't even have to be an expert to see Bristol got work done!losing weight does not suddenly rearrange your facial structure! And really, they should know better than question you by now! LOL!

Jan: that my friend is the 'lovely' (if lovely meant horrifying) Donatella Versace!