Tuesday, December 20, 2005

You know what's funny????

You know what's funny? How I always try to bypass the ready made Christmas boxes/bags and opt to "wrap" my gifts every year since A. It's cheaper and B. well.. um...it's cheaper. If there is one thing that I suck at and suck at GOOD, it's wrapping gifts. I don't know how people get those pretty little corners all nice and tucked in, I don't know how to control myself with scotch tape and I don't know how to estimate how much paper I need for a particular gift. My gifts always comes out looking like a pinata that's been run over by a truck a couple times with pieces of scotch tape sticking up everywhere. I don't have the gift wrapping talent and honestly I don't think it can be learned. I always go into it with the best intentions, like, "okay, this year will be my year! I'm going to be a gift wrapping diva!" Two empty scotch tape dispensers later, one gift horribly wrapped and 15 more gifts to go, I make a run to Wal-Mart for the easy schmeezy gift bag and boxes.

Another thing that's funny. Women who blame "baby weight" on their chunkiness. I mean, granted it's hard to go to the gym after having a child; however, do not blame the child for your fat ass, especially when they're rounding the corner to being TWO years old. I mean, unless you actually ATE YOUR BABY, at that point, it's not "baby weight," it's more like "GOd I love cake" weight. I'm not a fashion model by any means, but I blame my weight on chocolate and my inability to close my mouth and not eat it whenever it's nearby.

The whole Nick & Jessica debacle. THAT is funny. How that poor man remained married to a blow up doll is beyond me. If you couldn't see this coming then you must be face first into your OWN personal blow up doll. You're a pretty dense chick if you can make an EX-BOY BAND member look like a rocket scientist. HOwever, how dense is she really when she's making more money than he is off this "Newlyweds" crap and will probably be famous well after he's forgotten. Now it's not so much funny as it is disturbing that playing dumb and having big boobs can get you millions. Crap. Now that I'm writing it out, that's THE recipe for success isn't it???!! OKay, I gotta go get my hair bleached and stuff saltwater bags into my chest, scuse' me.

Jennifer Lopez. Doesn't she know she's skeletor's trophy wife?

Barry Williams... because.. come on.. he's Barry Williams. He made a guest spot on "The Wiggles" for god sakes.' I'm seeing a Chapter 13 in his future.

The song by Nelly called "Ya Grill" or something like that. Essentially it is a rap about dentures with bling on it.

Another funny song by Nelly? "Thicky Thick Girl." I'll let the lyrics speak for itself:

"See now, you could be a lady or a bitch now,
Still, you're thicky thicky thicky thick
Lookin' like a lolli-pop waint for the lick girl,
Your thicky thicky thicky thick,
Remind me of a 6-4 waitin' at the switch girl,
You're thicky thicky thick,
Could be a crim that I"m waitin' to commit girl?
You're thicky thicky thick."

and on THAT note..... I'm outte outtee out. Peacy peacy peace out!
(man that is addicting)
let's try..

I just shitty shitty shit myself!

(note to self: Incorporate "Nelly three wording" into regular conversation...)


Alyson said...

I'm just sayin...there you go again. Making me poopy poopy poop my pants with laughter. My hubby and I are IN LOVE with that song, "I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger...but she ain't messing with no broke (insert expletive meaning black man here)." I THINK that's Nelly, but just goes to show...never mind.

3 things, and then I'm out (and with a fantastic wine buzz, I must add.)

1. Nick and Jessica- Darn near made me cry. But you put it in perspective. Even her ridiculously puffy lips are shaped like those of a blowup doll. Apparently the air is seeping out, and Papa Joe called for the only out he could-- D.i.v.o.r.c.e.

2. Gift wrapping: Hahahaha! Add an ornament to the bow. It takes away from the shoddy corners and makes it feel "special." You can totally cheap it, too! I went to sears, where ornaments are half off. I bought two ornament frames, printed 2x2 pics of some friends, and BLAM-O! Insta-personalization!

3. Weight: A-Freakin' MEN sister.
There's a woman I know who was at LEAST 250 before child. Now she's blaming it on baby weight. Ummm, no, It's that 3 pack of RITZ crackers you just jammed in your face.

Thanks, Elaine. Another trip on your train before bed. Excellent.

Elaine said...


Gold Digger: Kanye West. I love it too! :D

1. Nick and Jessica, I was watching the reruns for "The Newlyweds" and was thinking, "oh man, they should totally try and work it out! I wonder if they're watching this?"

2. I don't think I could find an ornament big enough to cover the mess that is my gift wrapping, but thanks for the advice. I might do that on several of the gifts I already screwed up!

3. Yes. I love when chicks blame it on "baby weight" as they eat another ding dong...

Choo choo! Thank you, come again!

Shannon Bieger said...

Well that is just what I need is another "WTF is this song all about" song to obsess over. Is it as good as "My Humps" because I cannot get enough of "My Humps."

How can ANYONE actually be surprised that Nick & Jessica didn't last? Seriously? This shocks people?