Thursday, January 05, 2006

BARFABLOG!... urp...

Topics worthy of mentioning, but not long enough to blog about......

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Sexual Mishaps, The Gift that Keeps On Giving:
A sucky sexual experience makes for a great story to be told almost anywhere at anytime until they become legendary between you and your girlfriends. Two classic stories between my friends and I are:

The Guy Who Went To Second Base: That pretty much sums up the sexual experience. They were on a date, watching the sunset at the beach. He leans over and puts his hand on her boob. The end. No kissing. No groping. No picking up a bat. No running to first base. Nothing.

The Guy Who Flopped Like A Fish: Yes someone has screwed up the missionary position. The guy laid down on my friend and wiggled his way to an orgasm. He neglected to prop himself up and therefore my friend spend the whole time trying to find air pockets for oxygen so she wouldn't pass out.

(Shannon, can you digitally scrap those two events for me please? thanks. :)

...I could go on, but honestly, I forgot most of them. Turns out they weren't so legendary after all.

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*Celebrity Encounters, PART TWO: After posting my first blog about celebrity sightings, several people reminded me of a few more that I forgot about:

Fred Savage: Remember Kevin from "Wonder Years?" I saw him with Judy in Puerto Vallarta. He was an asshole. I mistakenly called him "Ben Savage" and he immediately went on the rag and grew boobs. He knew I was drunk! Ben, Fred? what's the difference?!?!
he's lucky he got recognized at all.

Alicia Silverstone: PRE-Clueless. I saw her in Santa Monica when I went to work with my dad. I had watched her movie "The Crush," and asked for an autograph. She was very nice and flattered that I had recognized her. Unfortunately, I only had a teeny slip of paper for her to sign, so instead, she told me to write my address on it and promised to send me a signed black and white photo of her. I was thinking.. yeah right. But lo and behold, two days later, I got her autographed photo. Very nice.

Ellen Degeneres:I saw a taping of her show with Shannon. Going to a taping sounds fun huh? It's not. It's long, boring and you have to laugh at the same joke OVER AND OVER again. I think we were there for THREE hours for a show that was a half hour long. My ass was permanently flat for days. I couldn't even bring myself to watch the episode when it was on t.v.

"Fergie" From Black Eyed Peas: She came around my school a lot because her dad was my student government teacher. Back then we knew her as Stacy Ferguson from Kids Inc. and HER dad was the original "Fergie." OH and she was a Caucasian girl back then...

and now, a moment in my head as I wash dishes.....

"....my milkshake brings all da boys to the yaaard and they're like, it's better than yaaarrs, damn right, it's better than yaaars..."
I wonder who they're talking to when they say "its better than yours?"..not me because my milkshake is WAY better than hers...
that is if "milkshake" means "playing the accordion."
I should blog about midgets.
What about midgets?
I don't know. Its an interesting topic.
Oh YEAH, you would know miss four foot eight. Just because you're a whopping two inches taller than them.
HEY! I AM legally disabled in Ohio or something like that, since I'm under 5'0.
Man, think of ALL the parking spaces I have waiting for me in Ohio.
Yeah, but it's Ohio.
True.
and you'd LEGALLY be a"little person" it wouldn't just be the obvious joke at parties.
So I heard today that Lindsay Lohan admitted she was bulimic and was doing drugs.
That's about as surprising as Richard Simmons telling us he's gay and has bad fashion sense.
I should blog about that!
yeah..but it wouldn't be an especially long blog, that's like two sentences.
I can only be clever in short bursts and then I'm spent.
I wish I could replace the stairs with a slide.
What?
nothing.
How would you get up the stairs?
I DON'T KNOW. that's why I dropped the subject.
You know what would be a good idea? Mop shoes.
YEAH! It could be made of that "Swiffer" material, you could slip it over your feet and while you're walking around the kitchen doing other things, you'd be mopping the floor at the same time!
Okay, mental note, write "mop shoes" under "million dollar idea" list.
I need to try toast with Tabasco sauce, it was on my "to do" list.
So do it!
Okay, but right after I go to the mall, clothesline a few kids on skates and fondle my breasts in public.
Sounds like a full day.
It will be.


(See? it's not that fun in my head. Its kind of loud and that "other voice" is kind of a nag.)


Don't call me a nag.
Sorry, I didn't see you there.

4 comments:

Shannon Bieger said...

LOL Yeah sure, I'll scrap 'em. Shall I draw the pictures out or do you have photos? Poor girl-under-floppy-fish.

LMAO that Fergie was caucasian back then.

ROFL at your conversation in your head.
I wish I could replace the stairs with a slide.
What?
nothing.

Riss said...

Thanks for the tip, I'll put a "Dubious Celebrity Sightings" post up eventually. My favorite was when some scary, dirty looking stalker guy was staring at me and I was just about to say something when a chick walked up and grabbed his hand, holding about 8 bags of Jimmy Choo shoes. It was Stephen Baldwin heehee.

Elaine said...

Shannon: LOL! I WISH I had pictures of floppy fish and second base guy, what kind of verbage would you use for THOSE pages!

Riss: LOL! Stephen Baldwin IS Scary. I never understood the Baldwin Brothers.. I think they are freaky looking!

NWJR said...

Good grief, that's a funny post.