Monday, January 30, 2006

Karate Kid, Bad Endings and Testosterone Murders.

I saw Karate Kid the other day and several things occurred to me..

*Ralph Macchio was REALLY an whiny bitch in this movie. I never noticed it before, but he's supposedly a 15 year old boy in this movie and yet, I kept seeing an early version of a Gilmore girl. Had I been Mr. Miyagi I would have let Johnny kick the shit out of him, woulda put some nuts in that basket!

* Elisabeth Shue as the "girlfriend?" Really? She looked like a linebacker next to Ralph. Was I the only one that noticed that? Not that she was a big girl or anything, but Ralph Macchio WAS PETITE. When she hugs him at the end, after Ralph gives the rainbow colored, flying flamer kick to Johhny's shnoz, she looks as if she's going to crack him in half! Plus all the romantic scenes between them just lost its affect when her head was bigger than his entire body.

*What happened to the guy that played Johnny? (Willy Zabka) Remember when he was in EVERYTHING?? Then 'poof' gone into the 80's time capsule. He was like the uber bully. I miss Willy. He was the guy you loved to hate before that annoying term "guy you love to hate" came into existence.

* I still get kind of "anxious" during the last few moments of Karate Kid. As if somehow, through my very own anxiety, the ending will totally change and Daniel will actually lose to the evil Johnny from Kobra Kai. Of course we all know he doesn't, but if you ever have the pleasure of watching this with me one day, watch my face get nice and tense during the end. I can't decide if that means the movie is so good that, even though you know the ending, it still keeps you on the edge of your seat.. or that I'm a total loser. Evidence is leaning towards the latter.....

Speaking of endings during movies...I can watch some movies over and over again and STILL get tense during the end. For example, "The Perfect Storm," a movie, that no matter what I'm doing, I will get sucked into watching til the very end. And like clockwork, I will always bombard Brad with "why didn't they??" remarks....

"why didn't they try to fix that ice shaver thingy again so their fish would keep longer...that way they wouldn't have had to fight the storm to get home."

"why didn't they keep trying to refuel that plane? They just gave up and jumped out?! that's silly.. if they had refueled, those men would have never died!"

"why didn't he just turn that boat around when he saw the giant wall wave? They could have just fought the waves all night long until the storm cleared."

..and on and on and on.. I just want the ending to CHANGE. I know. Its a true story, so a happy ending will never be. But I'm an optimist.. I keep thinking, through SHEER mind power, I can save that fishing boat. And finally, the ridiculous topper, at the very end when Mark Wahlberg is just floating around waiting to die.. I think, "Wouldn't it be great if he survived the night and swam back to his girlfriend?"
I know.
I'm an idiot.

Some movies have such a troublesome ending that I won't watch it again. I've only seen "Million Dollar Baby" once. I LOVED the movie but was horribly let down by the ending. What's the point of watching it again? I don't have enough positive sheer will to even fool myself into thinking that the ending could be different or could have the possiblility of being different in this movie. It doesn't even "tease" you with any hope. I just need a "tease" of hope so I can brainwash myself into thinking that the ending could be different the fifth time around.

The two ultimate movies that I LOVE to watch? "Rudy" and "Over The Top." I know, my lame factor goes up a couple notches for just typing that out, I think even mentioned "Over The Top" as one of those embarassing things I like but won't readily admit to. But time and time again, I will happily strap myself into the emotional roller coaster that is "Rudy" and "Over The Top".

I will lament and pull for Rudy as his dream of playing for Notre Dame appear to be slipping away.
I think, "Hang in there ol' Rudy ol' boy! you'll get your chance! Just keep those grades up!"

I'll curse the evil grandfather from "Over The Top" for brainwashing poor little Michael against his misunderstood, down and out father, Lincoln Hawk.
I think, "Michael, oh Michael, just give your father a chance, you'll see, he's a good guy! It's your grandfather that's evil. Your father can only be the arm wrestling champion if he has you cheering him on!"

Also, while watching movies, I have also found a hidden "moral of the story" that applies to most movies.
That moral is: "Testosterone Kills."
I think this is the hidden moral in the "Perfect Storm." Let's look back shall we? Billy Tyne, sees he's not getting enough fish as his counterpart (a woman), so he goes out, almost past the Grand Banks to catch them fish, then tries to fight the storm so they can go home and show how much fish they caught.....if estrogen had any say in it, it would have been,
"you know, this fishing ain't all its cracked up to be, I think I'll just go get an office job."

another example? "Troy." Brad was going to head out of after invading Troy, since he detested the king he was fighting for. But all of a sudden, guess who got a testosterone surge??.. his young cousin, who, posing as Achilles, got killed by The Incredible Hulk AKA Eric Bana... Achilles gets pissed, more people die. See?? Testosterone KILLS. Had his cousin been a chick, she would have been like, "Phew! Glad to see he's in a better mood, let's blow this joint! Tent living is giving my hair the frizzies!"

When testosterone is involved in movies, time and time again, it proves to be deadly!


Life is all just a show... said...

Don't feel bad. I watch the same movies over and over, and even though I've seen them hundreds of times, I still jump at certain parts. I guess that's the mark of a great movie maker, to be able to kepp a view, not just the one-time watcher. To constantly make you question the story, the situation, the characters. That's the mark of a great movie.

Shannon Bieger said...

Every single time I think about the end of Perfect Storm, I laugh. Out loud. I'm laughing right now actually. Mark Wahlberg, floating around in that big oversized pool whispering "Only love Christina. Only love." *snicker snicker* It should be "Only love Christigargle hack hack gurgle glph." End scene.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I love The Karate Kid. I know exactly what you're writing about. I still get anxious at the end, too.

What a little fucker he was. Huh?

Julie Jewels said...

I'm like you with certain movies too! I hold my breath and hope against hope that the ending will be different this time! LOL Never happens darnit!

Ralph Macchio was a little twerp!

Kim said...

You know how you get sucked into watching The Perfect Storm when it's on, no matter what you're doing? Well, the same thing happens to me when Beaches is on. And I cry every time at the end. How lame am I?!

Elaine said...

Oh Kim, you're not lame. I too bawl at the end of Beaches EVERYTIME. I get that way about "The Notebook" too.. I just sniff and think.. "oh their love was so deep! WAAAAH"

In fact, when I was writing this blog, I had it on InStyle celebrity weddings and I had the NERVE to tear up a little during some of them! (Knowing full well that Hollywood weddings last like 2 minutes!)

Elaine said...

Shannon: LMAO: "Only love Christigargle hack hack gurgle glph."


Debi said...

Don't forget the other movie that we LOVE and yet, will never watch again... Requiem for a Dream. Except, I have to watch it every time someone hasn't seen it comes along. Because everyone should see it once.

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