Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Knowing Thy Limits....

Have you ever seen one of those inspirational posters, usually tacked up against some cubicle in an office with no windows? Ever seen the one that has some dumb ass mountain climber basking at his "achievement" with a wonderful view of the Alps and below, it says:
"There are no limits to what you can do."
Or some cheesy inspirational saying to get you motivated to go back to YOUR cubicle and work your ass off so your corporate, hairplug wearin' boss can get a BMW while you clunk around in your Toyota? Know the one? I thought so.
So this particular poster really irked me because people should not be snowballed into thinking that they "have no limits." Each and every one of us has limits. I know it sounds negative but its really not. Most of our limits are not permanent and are subject to change, but at any given time in our lives, we almost always and DO have limits.

Step into my head for a minute and grab a chair.

Here's an example:
A person, lets say a female, a bit on the chubby side with a stomach that has a little jiggle in its jelly. THAT'S FINE, (god knows I have a little jiggle that I'm working on..) however, a woman who knows her limits wears clothing that "hides" this little imperfection and accentuates her good qualities, thus making her classy and attractive. A woman who doesn't know her limits wears hip huggers and a xsmall shirt that came from the "juniors" section, emphasizing the jelly stomach, thus making anyone she encounters unable to focus on any other redeeming qualities because they are too busy thinking, "My GOD, her belly button looks like a cereal bowl."

Other fine examples of knowing your limits are:

People with Hairy feet = NO Birkenstocks or sandals, LIMITED to closed toed shoes, unless you're up to some shavin' (see? limited but not a temporary limit...) This also applies to those fine individuals who have corns. Really? Do you want those babies to see the light of day? Because I sure don't.

People with Hairy backs = No tank tops, EVER. And if you have arm pits that look like you have A.C. Slater in a headlock, you seriously need to trim, otherwise, no tankee tops for you either mister!

(Sidenote: there is NO SHAME in trimming the hedges people..if a covey of quail flies out of your armpits when shaving.. you were LONG overdue.)

Swimwear for men: NO, for the the love of God, NO NO NO Speedos unless you're an Olympic swimmer. Limited to board shorts and trunks. Because seriously, that is the epitome of TOO MUCH INFORMATION.. without anything actually being SAID.
(okay, this SHOULD be a permanent limitation that should NOT be changed in my opinion.)

Swimwear for women: NO THONGS. Limited to regular, flattering (see my "jiggle/jelly commentary above,) bikinis and bathing suits.
I don't care how great your ass looks, having dental floss shoved up your crack is best saved for you and your man behind closed doors.. not the public, who's just innocently trying to get a tan and eat their hotdogs in peace without having two halves of your moon shoved up their face.

Non African-American folks: NO cornrows, not even if you go on vacation in Cabo and the little Mexican lady walking up and down the beach offers to give you cornrows and a packet of chiclets for a dollar. We are limited to regular, run of the mill, hair-dos from Supercuts.

Limits also applies to actual people....

Courtney Love: NO going OUTSIDE, ever. Limited to house arrest agreement. This should also apply to Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston and Anna Nicole Smith.

Nicole Ritchie: NO more CRACK. Limited to pot since it will cause the munchies and help her get out of that 13 year old boy's body.

Paris Hilton: NO talking. Limited to inane smiles, posing, carrying toy dogs as accessories and finding her new best friend or Greek Shipping Heirs of the week.

Ryan Seacrest: NO tanning beds, manis and pedis and hosting gigs.....this guy should just be limited to staying at home because I can't stand his metro ass. I can't believe he took over for Kathy Griffin as an E! red carpet host! Kathy Griffin is a goddess.. well Ryan Seacrest is a goddess too .. but not in a good way.

So you see, limits are GOOD, for if thy knowest their limitest, more doors shalt open for thee. My limits? No moreth writing like thisith.

KNOW YOUR LIMITS... T-shirts coming soon....


Debi said...

Aaahhhh Limits. Thank you thank you for explaining this to the masses. Limits are our friends. Were would we be if without them? I'll tell you where, half of us would be rioting in the streets, eventually running out of places to loot, and setting our own feeces on fire. The other half would be living in a hippie commune smelling like feeces and smoking all our clothes. Either way not pretty, just like over grown bikini areas, and man junk taking a swing in the good ol' banana hammock. Do people have no shame? Do they think we don't notice their mis-step? Because we do, and we are ruthlessly ripping you to shreds behind your back and on our blogs.

Kim said...

Love this post.

I think Mariah Carey needs to read this. Sorry, honey, you aren't a size 2 anymore.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Choice post! I know what you mean about those gay-ass motivational posts.

Alyson said...

Can you come speak to my students about this? Thanks! I'll pencil you in!

Shannon Bieger said...

ROFL I will definitely wear that tshirt. Please make sure its extra thick so no one can see my hair back or my cereal bowl belly button.

David said...

What are these blogs all about anyway? I was surfing looking for oreck air purifier when I ended up here. Back to the relentless searching for oreck air purifier.