Friday, April 14, 2006

It's A Brand New DAY!

* Brad and I were in the kitchen last night, (him cooking, me on the computer..DUH. Know your place woman!) Our little muddle bug was zipping in and out of the kitchen doing her usual mom and dad conversation/one-woman show:

Her: "Hi guys!"
Us: "Hi baby!"

Then usually she does a quote from Charlie and Lola (her FAVORITE cartoon) in her best faux British accent, enough to rival Madonna's. (sniff.. I'm so proud.) or do a little song and dance to make us laugh. But last night she came into the kitchen and sang this new ditty:

Our girl: "Is a braaan nuuu daaay!" (little butt shake thrown in)
Brad to me: "What song is that?"
Me: "I don't know. I never heard that one before."

Usually, I can guess what she's trying to sing just by the sound, even if I don't understand the words. But this one had me stumped. She kept singing it all throughout dinner.
"Is a braan nuuu day!" (buttshake)
We laughed, we ate and afterwards, we went into the livingroom so I can get my daily dose of Friend's reruns. During the commercials, we finally figured out what Maddy was singing. A commerical came on and she jumped up and started singing with the t.v.
"Is a braaan nuu day!"
Much to our horror, our little two year old was singing......the Herpes Jingle!! You know the Valtrex pill commerical that helps with genital warts and herpes 'outbreak'? Their little jingle goes: "Its a braaaand new day!" or in two year old speak: "is a braaan nuuu day!"
My daughter knows the Herpes Song.
That's right.
Mother of the Year Award here I come.

* I do apologize for not blogging too much these last few weeks. You all know why. And thy name is Madonna. (Fizz, don't act like you don't own a pair of cone bras mister).

*Open Letter to my friend Elisa, who I haven't heard hide nor pubic hair from...

"Hi Elisa. Did you fall off the face of the earth after you got married? I was your MAID OF HONOR . No general mass email Christmas letter? Nothing? You don't see me in your wedding pictures and go "damn my maid of honor was fine. I should call her!" You're not mad because I did my "jazz hands" in all of them did you? And yeah, so I grabbed my crotch more than you should at a wedding, but it livened things up, yes? And what's the limit on crotch grabbing at weddings? No one tells you. I didn't get a damn wedding Syllabus. Jeesh, didn't know that would get your panties in a bunch for THIS long."

* Crapnoodle o mally! How fucking pissed was I when I realized I MISSED the first few episodes of America's Next Top Model! I didn't even KNOW it began! Is it too much to ask for a memo on this shit!? Who am I screaming at? I don't know.. Anyways, I caught up this week and sadly, I am not impressed. Usually at least one girl stands out for me from the very beginning. Please note that I do have a keen eye on who can make it as a walking talking clothes hanger. Seriously. Don't make me bust out the resume bitch. TALENT AGENT ASSISTANT. That's right. I feel your jealousy. I could cuss out a model for not showing up to an appointment, fax AND fetch the actual talent agent some coffee. Skillz baby. SKILLZZZ......
Moving along, yeah, not impressed with this "cycle." If I HAD to pick, I think it would be Jade, Joanie and Nneenah. However, I can see myself tuning out of the show this year. I know. I'm such a sorry excuse for a fag hag. Not keeping up with ANTM. I am MAD indeed! OH and can we please just throw out the bitches who cry about how "stressful" it is? Seriously. Throw them out the minute a tear DARES to form in their eye. Bags packed. Get the fuck out. This is BARELY a competition. Someone does your hair and make up, you live rent free in an awesome house, you're gonna be on t.v. and your "challenges" are posing in front of a camera and walking. Suck it up hanger and have another celery.

*A few people have asked me, "when did you know you were ready to have a baby?" It really wasn't romantic nor was it some kind of "revelation" we both had. The conversation literally went like this:
"You wanna?"
"Think we can handle it?"
"OH hell, let's give it a go."
We got our shit together (finances, work, got my fat ass in tip top fighting shape) and then "gave it a go."
wam bam.
I wasted my cash on FOUR pee sticks not knowing that it would only take one to make me faint dead on the spot and have Brad do his naked "whoo hoo, I'm having a baby" pee pee wiggle dance.

*Remember the guy that made sex noises at our yoga classes? Remember I couldn't hold my Asian Fried Noodle pose because he kept making sounds like he was getting fucked in the butt and liking it? Remember that? Remember when I chose to go commando under my workout shorts, caught some air "up there" during my Green Bean Casserole pose then it decided to come out during my Tuck up Smell Butt crunch pose with a long and loud..bhrrrr. bur bur bur.......and everyone thought sex noises guy farted??? remember that?? that was cool.

Sorry, I blacked out and thought I was talking to my friend Casey for a minute. Speaking of which... Casey! where the hell are YOU?

Peesh Out.


J. said...

Oooh! We can compare our Awards! Mine's all shiny and spiffy with some dried up macaroni and stuff on it.

popfizz said...


cone jockstrap only.

Jazz hands and crotch grabbing. sounds like my type o' wedding. Throw in a shaved cat and a bucket of oil and it sounds like my last house party.

tra la la.

Leilouta said...

" I do apologize for not blogging too much these last few weeks. You all know why. And thy name is Madonna. "
You better stop using that excuse for everything you do these days :)

Shannon Bieger said...




Oh my god. Not only did I NOT need to read about your yoga experience but now it's gonna take me 3 days to stop laughing.

You totally overshadowed poor Maddy's herpe song and dance number. LOL!

CP said...

OM fucking G. Your daughter knows the Valtrex commercial. I LOVE that! Next she's gonna bust out with the "Mom, have you ever had that...not so fresh feeling" *LOL*

Elaine!!!!!!! What's the scoop on the Madonna tix? I've been on the couch, sleeping! Are we going or what? WTF???

Come to my slumber party! See the blog for deets! Mwah!!!!


Kim said...

I don't even have anything original to say here... just that I can't stop laughing at the image of Miss Maddy singing the herpes song.

That and your jazz hands...