Thursday, July 27, 2006

F.L.F with A.D.D.

They're short and to the point. I don't think these would even qualify as "letters" per se. So I guess I should rename this post to: FAN MEMO FRIDAYS!!!

Dear Lance,

YOU'RE GAY?!?!?!?

Suuuure....the next thing you'll be shoving up my ass (your ass?) is that Michael Jackson was once black, Pamela Anderson's boobs are fake, Kevin Federline is a really bad father and Brad and Angelina are dating or something!

I just REFUSE to believe this is true. If it is, what about your fa.....okay, never mind, what about your music caree.......oh wait.

Never mind. Forget this whole letter and continue with your tubesteak buffet.
Out of the closet means ALL YOU CAN EAT Biiittttccch!! :D

Love, Me.

Dear Calista,

Fresh manjuice = great complexion
Aged manjuice = protein enriched
60+ year old Han Solo juice = burns eyebrows RIGHT OFF.

I know its a little late, but hey they'll grow back!

oh and this just in..... it's July!!! Take off that sweater and let your ribcage breath girl. Just looking at this picture is making my asscrack perspire!

Love, Me,

Dear Bob and Pam,

CONGRATULATIONS on your upcoming wedding!!

Now remember to double check your WalMart registry list:

- 5 Cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon
- Beer Cozies
- Abreva
- Trucker hat
- Sleeveless t-shirts
- Itch cream
- Aveeno
- Handcuffs
- Cigarettes
- Wipes
- Jello
- Ketchup
- Flea and Tick Spray

Love, Me.

Dear Oprah,

Thank you for making the statement that you and Gayle were NOT lesbian lovers. Unfortunately, the visual of Gayle clam diving in the Harpo swamp is something I see every time I blink. On a positive note, it sure does help with my diet.

Love, Me.

Dear Christie,

A blow job...with a mouthful of Tabasco sauce.

Then finish it off with a hearty bite.

That asshole is just askin' for a castration with a wife's loving touch.

Love, Me.

Dear Dave,

FYI: Tommy's Crue crabs can gnaw through clothing... so you might not want to bear hug him again while you french kiss. Good luck with your newly contracted Hep C. Oh and Carmen called, she told me to tell you to quit using her socks as fingerless gloves and she wants her eyeliner back.

Love, Me.

Dear John,

Remember, after age 40 you HAVE TO schedule a clinical breast exam and a mammogram every year!

Damn, this letter isn't even going to be funny because its so sad that father time has melted your once rockin' bod and morphing you into one of the Golden Girls.


Love, Me

hehehehe....MAN TITTIES RULE.

Hairy ones...that jiggle a little.......


FLF is over?

Alright FINE! I'm leaving already.. damn...

Have a great weekend and all that crap.


NeverEnough said...

I love John Travolta, and you just ruined it for me. Thanks Elaine!!

Now I must re-read this post...

Laurie said...

Ok....uh ACK!!!!

God...I wonder if Kelly Preston sucks on those bitches.

Fucking NASTY!

Kim said...

"Harpo swamp"... nice!

I never really liked John Travolta. But hey. He owns a private jet. That he stores in a hangar. At his mansion. And just for that, I suppose he can get away with having boobs as big as mine.

Miss-Informed said...

John Travolta needs to invest in a BRO. A man bra. Maybe they make a line of bathing suit bro's. That would be fantastic. Oh yeah, the Oprah/Gail thing, I can't even touch that. You put a pic. in my mind I want to FORGET! Sicko!

...See you next Friday!

Some Random Girl said...

you fuckin rock! LOVE IT!

karaoke queen said...

I just love man titties! Actually my little hunk of burning love has em too. But he never started out looking like Johnny.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I think Travolta's physical (and mental) deterioration can be closely linked to his involvement in scientology.

Tom Cruise, have a looksee at your future.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

That Travolta pic is sad.

Still, though, that guy makes like $20 million a movie. That trumps a six-pack and a chest wax any day.

CP said...


I'm in love.


FLF is the best day of the week.