Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Secret World of Good Green and Bad Green

Green is a color, the perception of which is evoked by light having a spectrum dominated by energy with a wavelength of roughly 520–570 nanometres (I'm going to assume that in the color world, Green is really well hung!) The word green can be used to describe the color of plants or can be used as an expression or slang. But little is known or can be found about the battle of the good and bad greens.

The quiet war between good greens and bad greens has gone on since Adam picked his first booger. When greens are little babies, they are forced to choose between being a good green or a bad green. The ongoing green war between being fresh and clean or rotted and vile still goes on in front of us everyday. Let me introduce you to the main players of both armies.

GOOD GREEN: Corporal Key Lime Pie.

Made from the most honorable of greens (a lime), this good green has been known to satisfy millions of tastes buds. The impressive combination of sweet and sour with the light and airy texture is enough to make you sit back with each bite to savor the flavor harmony humping your mouth. Key Lime is a green of high stature and quality that can turn your tongue into its groupie.

BAD GREEN: Head Commander Green Meat.

A truly disgusting specimen that not only attacks you visually, but in most cases, it also attacks right up through your smellin' holes. It zips by your nose hair as though they weren't there and kicks your gag reflexes right in the balls. Stay classy green meat.

GOOD GREEN: Super Warlock Cannabis.

Misjudged by many and secretly loved by almost everyone (AFTER they meet him.) This green is stoic, calm, peace loving and has been known to bestow its joy to everyone he encounters. Cannabis loves up everyone's Autonomic Nervous System, making it feel special and pretty. That in turn, expands the individual's breath, relaxes their body and oxygenates their blood, leaving them to feel cleansed, happy and peaceful. Unfortunately, there has been an old rumor following the Cannabis family for years that they are a green of the bad variety. This vile untruth has limited Super Warlock Cannabis to doing their magic with only a handful of people. (And by the way, Super Warlock Cannabis and Corporal Key Lime Pie totally hooked up.Oooh! Gossip!! We're bad!)

BAD GREEN: High Wizard Bile.

Ill mannered and bad tempered, this seemingly harmless liquid can pack quite a disgusting punch. A lazy son of a bitch that's usually quiet and does its job, it takes great pleasure having a night out right when you feel like it's time to turn in. After you've puked the entire contents of a liquor store out your mouth and all you want is a cold glass of water to wash the alcohol, rotting food flavor it left, bile comes in at the very end to kick you while you're down. It comes alone, with no other flavors to mask it's bitterness. Bile is a strong, bad green force that can take down the strongest of men just by showing up.

GOOD GREEN: Master General Green Hills of Ireland.

Majestic and impressive, the Green Hills of Ireland are so exquisite that a whole country mainly represents itself to the color green because of it's grandeur. Simply put, these hills are alive with the sounds and feelings of awesome. A beauty so powerful, you clutch your pearls in disbelief.

BAD GREEN: Ninja Sensei Money.

The most suave of all the bad greens, a master of disguise. Everyone has met him and everyone knows that, despite how many doors he can open and how many things he can purchase, he has the power to ruin lives, cause wars, envy and hate among people who aren't aware or choose not to be aware of his skills. He is used for both good and bad, but in the end, this is the kindling of choice to feed the fire of evil.

So there you have it, the green front lines. Imaginary non-informational nonsense brought on by fatigue, hunger and being slightly constipated. Reading this post was a lot like being front row to a Gallagher show isn't it? It seems like it should be enjoyable and hey, everyone's laughing so something's funny right? However, in the end, you walk away with sticky hair, a couple of watermelon seeds up your nose and the feeling of being slightly ripped off.


saintseester said...

This was great; made my day.

charlottes web said...

Very clever post and photos!

CP said...

You come up with the best shit! LMAO Seriously. I am in love with your mind. Can you bottle it and send me some? I just want to caress your skull for like, a half an hour. Is that too much to ask??? LMAO xoxoxoxo

Beth Crocker said...

Hilarious! I loved every bit of it, even if my spelling right now is not so great!


Erica said...

3 cheers for key lime pie.

Jan said...

You crack me up. Only YOU would spin 'green' like this :D

Anonymous said...

ELAINE. I got hacked and had to close my FB account! Please please please refriend me so I can get more insights from the only Twinkie I know!!!

Caroline Collins Siecke