Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Top Five Lists....

First, excuse my last, uncharacteristically, bitter post. I'm normally a "let the shit slide off me knickers" type of gal, but I did that last post to cheer up my friend a bit and what better way to get her to laugh than demean her overly feminine ex-boyfriend? But now, back to fun stuff...inspired by Shannon's post , and the book that I just finished reading, "The Five People You Meet In Heaven," I've made a list of various top fives.

The Five People You Meet At The Checkout Stand:

1. The 1,000 year old lady who has 500 hundred coupons, 35 items, 10 of which refuse to scan and require a price check.

2. A teenage couple who grope and make out while waiting, declaring their eternal love and claiming that they can't believe they've been together for TWO WHOLE weeks.

3. The dirty crack whore (whose fingernails looked like they're coated with asscrack juice) taking a liking to your child and attempting to coo and touch her. STEP AWAY FROM THE BABY, CRACKY McCrackerson! (this happened A LOT when we used to live in El Cajon)

2. The idiot that buys his groceries with an out of state check and then says, "Whaddya mean I need my ID!? Who carries their ID ?!"

1. The chick who's friends with the cash register person. They then take it upon themselves to catch up on each other's ENTIRE lives, exchange pictures, phone numbers, do secret handshakes and remininsce about high school.

The Five People You Meet At the Office:

5. The computer tech who has a mullet, pocket protector, a lisp, lives with his mom, plays Dungeons and Dragons and comes to work IN character. He is also known for rolling his eyes at you when something is wrong with your computer and you don't know how many gigawatts it takes to run the monochromatic digitbit hard drive. He then does the EXACT same thing you've been doing a million times before calling his ass over and the computer magically works again, thus instigating more eyerolls.

4. The person who complains about everything but doesn't do shit but chat on the internet and steal pens from the supply room.

3. The asskisser who always shows up 10 minutes early, stays an hour later and is the first to volunteer for overtime. Usually, its always the one that's super peppy in the morning, asks you how your weekend was and then tops it by saying they went to Italy for a day to skydive.

2. The micromanaging supervisor who makes sure that your bathroom breaks are just long enough for you to take one wipe. Anything past that results in writing you up for "excessive bathroom time."

1. The person who's tap dancing on your last nerve and is two seconds away from getting an ass whooping by you. Usually the bitch that starts everything with "No Offense" then says, " but I don't think those shoes go with that outfit." in front of the entire office.

The Five People You Meet While Driving:

5. The aforementioned 1,000 year old lady at the grocery store, driving her too big Cadillac about 20 miles an hour on the freeway.

4. The multi-tasking chick who puts on her makeup, talks on the cell phone, drinks her soy latte and drives 100 miles an hour in a BMW that her sugar daddy bought her.

3. The guy who thinks he's straight out of "Fast And Furious" even though he drives a stock Acura that starts to shake when driven at 75 miles an hour.

2. The mid-life crises guy, complete with convertible, dumb 20 year old blond in the passenger seat and hair plugs.

1. The "sporty" family with 16 bikes strapped onto their 50 foot, top of the line RV, pulling an offroad Jeep all attached to their heavy duty, diesel Ford, trying to drive in the fast lane.

Top Five Simple Pleasures:

5. Watching Celebrity Fit Club. Does it strike anyone else as funny/sad that C-list celebrities are climbing onto GIANT scales (that light up!) to get weighed? I love it. When Ant passionately says, "Activate THE SCALES!" I get a little thrill.

4. The first sip of coffee in the morning. No explanation needed. (Especially if you're a mom)

3. Watching my husband do his "happy sushi dance" when I suggest Todai for dinner. Watching a giant, corn-fed midwestern guy get happy about eating raw fish is something that I thought I'd never see. He also does another happy dance when I suggest something else, but lets not go into that.......

2. Reading my USMagazine. It's pure junk but I get so excited when I see that glossy sliver of a magazine sitting in my mailbox! It's like, "whoo hoo! I wonder what Brangelina are up to? Is TomKat's baby really an alien from the planet Xenu? Did Nicole Ritchie use her collar bone to attack Paris Hilton?

1. Blogging. I'm seriously addicted to writing whatever the hell comes into my head. Even better when people who enjoy my blog, comment and request to come into my head... unfortunately, a hot scalding bath usually needs to be taken after such a trip. (right Alyson?)


Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I've met this guy: The guy who thinks he's straight out of "Fast And Furious" even though he drives a stock Acura that starts to shake when driven at 75 miles an hour.

Jeez, there are a ton of those guys on the I-10.

Riss said...

Hee, I am so ripping off this idea for a future post.

Mine will be like "The 5 People You Meet At The Strip Club."

Debi said...

Okay, just moved to the Phoenix area... AAAAALlllll the drivers here think they're fast and furious (side note that movie was PG-13. How Fast and Furious could it be? It sucked and should have been named barely over the speed limit and a little perturbed. thank GOD for Vin Diesel. I'd watch him suck in every B movie from now until his shriveled up, steroid-ridden dick falls off. Pacifier anyone?) Whatever, it's better than Missouri, land of the 1,000 year old coupon holders.

Alyson said...

Hahaha, actually, Elaine, it's more like crack...I keep coming back for more!!

Kim said...

I *LOVE* getting my US Weekly magazine in the mail, too! How sad that I actually care to read about celebrities, but for some reason it's so entertaining (and not quite as shameful as watching Laguna Beach!)

Alyson said...

Ummm, Laguna Beach is not shameful. :)

NWJR said...

That's some funny stuff right there...

Elaine said...

Agreed Alyson. Laguna Beach and US Magazine are the staples of good everyday livin'.

Shannon Bieger said...

LOL I worked with ALL those people at the office!

I feel like something is wrong with me for not reading US. I'm always out of the loop on celeb gossip. Maybe I need to start?