Wednesday, November 30, 2005

What I learn from US Magazine!

Everyone always says that I'm wasting my time reading this magazine. That I'm encouraging the "stalkerazzi" .. blah blah blah.. yackity schmackity. In my defense, US Magazine is really super glossy. That right there is reason enough to "read" (cough - look at pictures- cough!) the magazine. It practically begs to be read with all it's grand magazine shiny-ness. How can one ignore it? Another valid reason to read US is that it has really pretty people on the cover and pretty people inside the cover doing stuff like picking their butt or yelling at their hired help.. hence the TITLE OF the magazine!!! They're just like "US"! Get it?!?!

They are true genuises those US Magazine folks!

And I learn lots of very important and relevant stuff that is going on in the world! Don't believe me? Here's just a few things I've learned from the celebrity bible:

Greek Shipping Heirs: Did you KNOW that Greeks cornered the market in shipping??? Here I thought it was the US Postal office and UPS! Nay nay!! ( or wait, is UPS owned by GREEKS!?!) I, for one, did not know this ditty, but apparently Paris Hilton felt the need to educated us on this. Not only did she know about greek shipping heirs, she dated TWO of them..within 6 months. And here I thought she was just a skanky, talentless tramp! SHAME ON ME.

Diet Secrets of Mommy Celebrities: They really do watch what they eat and exercise to lose that weight in days! Wow. Amazing. Here I thought it was because of the personal chef, personal trainer and the nanny! Thank you US for teaching me otherwise!

Christina Aguilera is a virgin: The wedding pictures of her in this week's US Magazine showed her wearing a white dress. my goodness, who knew she was as pure as the driven snow???

Jennifer Lopez is a devoted wife: Sure she dumped her first husband when she became a big famous celebrity. But hellooo.. she couldn't have a "normal" person for a husband.. that's just a career killer, so it's understandable why she dumped him. And sure she got divorced from her second husband within months but Ben Affleck liked her. I mean, Back up dancer? or Ben Affleck? Obviously this divorce was also within reason and completely understandable. SO this time, she really is in love because they've been together for a YEAR! Plus, he's famous.. kind of...and he's really good looking .. well okay, so he looks like a hispanic Olsen twin and sometimes when he stands sideways he completely disappears from view... ...but seriously, Jennifer Lopez is a devoted wife. She just had to find the right bitch.. oh I mean, man. yeah. that's what he is......

So this and a whole lot of other stuff can be learned from US Magazine! Don't knock it til' you tried it. Go ahead, give into the glossy goodness of US Magazine! It's chock full or real, honest to goodness information!

So onto other less silly, equally funny and equally annoying things...........there's a fat biatch at work that I want to strangle. You know the type. No life, given a "supervisor" role and now believes she's Joseph Stalin? well I'm working with one. It's annoying, but really, you have to laugh at sad asses who actually get a "power trip" over being a supervisor. Ooooh you get access to the supply room. Bow down.

Was thumbing through People Sexiest Man Issue. (Matthew McConaughey this year. Rowr. naked bongo player ouchey.) and if I see another magazine call Usher "sexy" I'm going to wipe my ass with it. First of all, a good body does not make for sexy. True, it does make me blind for about a minute or two, and if you have a semi decent face, you could possibly get away with it. Usher; however, does not. I don't dig on the Michael Jackson wanna be dancin, I'm not diggin that pancake nose, I'm not digging the girlish heart shaped face, I'm not diggin' that you totally cheated on the coolest TLC ever besides Left eye.. (Chilli or Chili or .. whatever.. that girl named after hot steamed beans, meat, chili powder and tomatoes that was on TLC.. am I digressing or am I digressing over here?!?!) Anyways, yeah, he's a fucking' cheater, I can barely stomach his songs.. can someone please tell him he is UGLY. U-G-L-Y, got no alibi, type of ugly? And I don't fall for that "humble oh please, I'm not THAT good looking act" you know he looks at himself and shouts out HIS name when he ejaculates.
Please. Sexy and Usher should never be uttered in the same sentence. Because he's far from.
* For more on why Usher sucks, check out the comment left by Debi.*

Used to be sexy but startin' to look like a drag queen: Brooke Shields! OmG. what is up with this woman lately? Her jaw is getting squarer and squarer as we speak! I think at the last picture I saw of her, she had a very obvious bulge. Then again she was standing next to Angelina Jolie and I think even I would have an obvious bulge. You know who else is lookin' like a man lately? Jamie Lee Curtis. She's morphing into her gay father. Scary. Whatever bottled water these woman are drinking, I'll pass.

Man, I am quite the shit talker today aren't I. Especially since I"m sitting her with my unkept hair pulled back in a hair band, wearing boxer shorts and a ratty t-shirt. But that's okay. My pedestal that I sit upon is paid for in full. So there.

kiss kiss. love love.


Debi said...

Too hilarious. THANK YOU for saying that Usher is a stain on the soles of Chili's Manolos. I can't stand that guy. Okay, so he can dance... a little. - anyone with time and rhythm can copy something that's been done before. How about some originality. And why is he always touted as being such a fasionista? I mean, first of all, he doesn't dress himself people!!! Secondly, since when is pairing a nice shirt with jeans and whole lotta bling revolutionary? Oooo... he's wearing a ball cap AND a tie - he's a style visionary - what a rebel! (I just threw up a little) Can we please get some real men up in here? What ever happened to men who looked good dirty? What happened to guys that would come in the house from fixing something, grease from head to toe, rip your clothes off and throw you down on the bed in a sweaty rage of testosterone??!!! Okay, so maybe that's just in my fantasies and Madonna videos, but still Usher and men like him are way too interested in primping and taking our beauty products. First it's your moisturizer, next it's your lube!!! Metro my ass - it's called gay, the least they can do is be loud and proud, and let us find some men with rough hands and nut sacs.

Kim said...

I'm still bummed that Anderson Cooper didn't beat out Matthew McConaughey. Shame Shame. He is WAY sexier.

Shannon Bieger said...

LMAO - OMG I am dying at BOTH your blog AND Debi's comment. I don't even know what else to say. Laughing...too...hard.

Oh but Kim - I know many women who would second that Anderson Cooper vote. My cousin can't say his name without adding a "rawr" at the end of it! = D

Paul said...

The Greeks have been known as shipping magnates at least since the days of Aristotle Onassis, who was smitten with Jacqueline Bouvier, who married John Fitzgerald Kennedy.