Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Close Encounters of the Celebrity Kind.

A few moons ago, I made a little jaunt to Europe with my graduating college class. After meeting and speaking with several locals from England, Italy, and France, I found out what they all had in common. (Now mind you, by "several locals" I mean drunk European guys, and by "European" I mean, that they all stank and looked like Mr. Bean, and when I say France, I really mean "assholes." Just to clarify. )
Upon learning that I was from America, they all made a bad attempt at a "country/cowboy" accent thinking that we all spoke like Clint Eastwood in the U.S. Then upon informing them I was from California and NOT a banjo playin' white girl from Alabama (which I thought the slanty eyes kind of conveyed but whatever..) I had to go through a series of bad "valley girl" imitations, "Omigod like gag me with a spoon" that type of shit.... then the inevitible, "Have you ever met anyone famous?" question, which really, to us Californians, is a pretty loaded question. What exactly is "famous?". Obvious famous? Like Brad Pitt, Madonna, Wayne Newton???? Or kind of famous? Like John Stamos, that kid from Jerry McGuire that was so cute and then went all kinds of wrong when he headed to pubertyville, or Carrot top? Because looking back at my celebrity encounters, I realized I have actually met a lot of famous people.
First celebrity sighting?
Halle Berry at Melrose. She was with then husband, Dave Justice, baseball hitter, wife beater.... you know the one.

Mario Lopez
at "The Rio" in Las Vegas. At a buffet. I believe I was with Judy. He instantly saw that we recognized him and began to ham it up for a bunch of 15 year olds. Idiot. He's best known as "Jerry curl Slater" from "Saved By Te Bell", a host on "Pet Stars" and renowned fucking cheater to Ali Landry (doritos girl) wife for 2 months before she found out and dumped him on his jerry curled ass.

Heather Locklear
by accident. My boyfriend at the time had left his pager (what are those?!!?) outside of a store that we had just walked into. I ran out to go get it and bumped into a broom stick, who turned out to be Heather Locklear. She was very gracious and was with husband Ritchie Sambora. They were both very nice, but Heather Locklear seriously needed a hamburger or something fried in bacon grease. I think one of her ribs poked me in the eye upon collision.

Val Kilmer
at the LAX airport. I was picking up my friend Mary from Texas and he happened to be on the same flight. It was one of the more disappointing encounters. HE was SHORT and had snow white toothpicks for legs with patches of hair on it!!! I know most actors are shorter in real life, but Val Kilmer barely cracked the 5'4" mark! Whatever "Ice Man"...he was more like a snow elf. Then the little midget had the nerve to have CIA looking bodyguards on walkie talkies escort him to his limousine. ...and I thought I had a short person complex.

Matthew McConaughey
which was the complete opposite experience I had with Val Kilmer. He is JUST as gorgeous if not more so in person, super super nice guy and man, that boy had a butt that could hold a dessert tray! OMG. It was a religious experience to behold that ass. AND I got paid for it. GOD BLESS AMERICA! I met him on set of the super bad movie "Tiptoes." You can catch glimpses of me (E-list celebrity) in the beginning and party scenes....:D.

Gary Oldman
again, from the same bad movie, totally nice guy but totally the kind of celebrity that hits on extras because he knows he can get them into bed through his sheer star power. I had a full on conversation with him between takes about various things and the man would always steer the conversation towards sex. Somewhat sick but somewhat flattering that Gary Oldman was hitting on me. See??? The STAR POWER even affected me a bit.. a happily married woman! Now if I had had daddy issues, fake boobs and a therapist, he so would've bagged me.. AND HARD.

Kate Beckinsdale
, same movie set. Three words. Total Bitch. Oh wait, I said THREE words huh? okay. Total fucking Bitch. Went from the set straight to her trailer on every take, did not talk to anyone, and YELLED at beautiful Mr. McConaughey for jokingly poking her in the ribs and calling her hot. Gee. What an insensitive asshole is he?

Patricia Arquette
very nice. Totally quiet for being an actress and borrowed my flip flops when our shoot was over because she was barefoot and had to walk back to her trailer. I don't know why she was barefoot and why she didn't have her assistant (who hovered over her with Evian bottle in one hand, Patricia's cell phone in another and toilet paper in her mouth in case Patricia decided to take a shit right then and there...) get her some shoes, but I like to think that she was hitting on me. You know? She was. Totally. Now that I look back on it. She wanted me bad.

Last but certainly not least, Madonna. okay, so I haven't "met" her as much as I've "seen her in concert," however on my very first concert (90 percent my friends have heard this story several times, told from a first person, third person, from an Irish man's point of view and in a variety of high pitched for those friends.. just keep skip this part) I had a sign that said "Kiss Me," Madonna saw it and gave me an obscene loving gesture. (Sign language for cunninglus) which made my overly priced ticket to sit within inches of her TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY WORTH IT. I am Madonna's whore and proud of it.

It's not a bad list really, I can't even tell you how many others I've seen that were not worth mentioning ... Blossom's boyfriend at the LAX Airport, DJ's best friend from Full House, Angelica Houston at the Hard Rock, etc.
It's fun living near L.A. Seeing a celebrity is like seeing the new baby Panda at the San Diego Zoo. There's all this excitement built up to see it, you see them and you're like WOW.. and then... you realize... "yeah, this is kind of boring" and you move onto the elephants.
Horrible analogy, but you get the jist.


candigirl said...

Okay are you telling me that you hung out with Matthew!!! And grabbed his ass!! Now I'm jealous!He is just plain hot, and my all time favorite!!! I would turn into a total geek if I had the chance to talk to him. I love that man!!! The only celebrity that I grabbed was Bono's and it was his thigh. Good enough for me.

Elaine said...

Yes, I met and briefly chatted with Matthew McConaughey. I asked some inane question about him being in "Angels in The Outfield" just so I could have an excuse to talk to him and he was really nice and we actually chatted for a few minutes. As for his ass, no I did not grab it (I WISH!) however, I did admire it every chance he walked by. :)

Judy said...

(Sigh) You totally forgot to mention that we met Fred Savage at "El Zoo" in Puerto Vallarta. He was a real a-hole!

Shannon Bieger said...

Matthew M. has got to be one of the best celeb sightings I've heard of yet. Hmm....I may have to do my own list on my blog soon. I hope I can remember them all. I think every single one is B-list or below! LOL!

Shannon Bieger said...

Hey didn't you meet Alicia Silverstone too?

Elaine said...

Jeesh, I think meeting Matthew McConaughey gave me brain damage. I forgot Fred Savage AND Alicia Silverstone from that list!
I even spoke to Alicia Silverstone! Doy.

Laura said...

First time at your blog, friend of Shannons, but after Shannon's post on her blog, I had to come check out your list. Sorry Shannon, hers is MUUUUCH better. Maybe y'all should go hang out. ;) Oh wait, I'm posting on the wrong blog to be talking to Shannon. LOL I have to say I'm bummed but I guess not really surprised about the Kate Beckinsale one. When/if you have more encounters, I hope you'll post them because I was cracking up all through this.