Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Secret Desires and Wishes

I would love to...

..open the car door upon passing some hack on a ten speed bike who's wearing the whole "Lance Armstrong" outfit. Oh the joy I would have upon hearing the thud, rolling and cursing.

...clothesline kids who "scoot" around in those sneakers with wheels on them.

...yell "FRIJOOOOLEEEEEES!!!!" whenever the mood strikes me.

...scratch my boobies and fondle them relentlessly in public like guys do with their balls.

...take a poop in a public restroom and make orgasmic noises while doing it.

...when the waiter comes up to my table and innocently asks "How are we doing tonight?" I would love to break down, cry like a bumbling idiot and tell him/her that I was just dumped by my boyfriend because he found skid marks on my thong.

...talk to people with my asscheeks ala Ace Ventura.

...start every sentence with "I tell you what..."

....wear a shirt with an arrow pointing to my husband that says: "He's the man from Nantucket."

....wear a shirt that says, "I'm on the rag and bleeding like a stuck pig. How are YOU doing?

...use the term "hotbox" to my gynecologist whenever I refer to my vagina.

...run by vegans and throw steaks at them while screaming, "MEAT IS DELICIOUS!!!" at the top of lungs.

... officially name my boobs "The Grand Tetons."

...immediately kick people, under the age of 50, in the shins who use the term "hon" or "sweetie" when speaking to me or anyone else within earshot. A kick in the shins and poke in the eye for those under 30.

...try toast with Tabasco ala Alyson.. you freakin' wierdo. (look who's talking!)

...throw rocks at (gothic) people who wear all black in the summer. This also goes for people who wear sunglasses indoors and talk on their cell phone obnoxiously loud in public.

...be Angelina Jolie for a day. Does that really need explanation?

...post weight limits on clothes and buffet lines.

...double dip with no apologies.

FRRIIIJOOOOOLESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6 comments:

Laura M said...

Yeah, so... I thought I had random thoughts until I started reading your blog. Now I think my thoughts are boring. You must have SOOO much fun inside that head of yours. It's like one big party!! Thanks for sharing. :)

PS: Skid marks on a thong?! EEEEWWW!!!!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I loved this post. And I hope you resolve to actually do some of these things.

If I may suggest whipping out those titties and fondling them.

Kim said...

Yikes... it looks like you'll be throwing meat AND rocks at me! :)

Shannon Bieger said...

LOL I will buy you dinner if you do just ONE of those things today! My particular favorite being saying "hotbox" to your gyno!

Alyson said...

hahaha Oh my gosh! I've TOTALLY wanted to clothesline those little bastards on rolling shoes! I HATE them!

I'm going to the gyno on Friday. I'll be sure to mention my hot-box, all while fondling and scratching my boobies!

Elaine, I want to live in your head. Would you mind selling passes ala Being Jon Malkovich?

coryandfarah said...

You have quite the imagination, Elaine! haha Thanks for making me laugh and I do hope that at least some of these things come true for you. haha I'm still laughing...