Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Why Britney Spears Is A Genius and You Ain't Nothin!!

Genius is probably not the first word that comes to mind when you think of Britney Spears. Greasy, mental or even bacon would be a closer description to Britney Spears than genius. But alas, she IS a genius and we're all fools for not seeing it sooner.

I don't really mean genius in an intellectual or even in a useful sense, it's more like this kind of genius...

At the very beginning of her career, when she was just a hometown girl who made it big, she had just the right mixture of 'innocent girl next door who might give you a hand job if you give her enough Boones Farm' thing going on that no other singer had at the time. Girls wanted to be her and boys wanted to be IN her, combined with catchy pop songs and titillating, somewhat 'To Catch a Predator-y' videos and a star of epic proportions is born!!

Brit Brit set the bar high for all others to the point that every pop star with blonde hair that could dance was automatically compared to Britney or dubbed a Britney wannabe. She was on top, but the problem with being on top is how does one stay on top? There's only so many hit songs she can sing with her Minnie Mouse voice and there's only so many degrees of naked one can pose in before she's used up all the tricks in her bag and has to resort to just singing with no clothes on. The pressure mounted as everyone's expectations of Britney's next album/video/performance was higher than the next. How, Britney "thinks" (<-- LOL!), can she possibly live up to this pop monster that she created?!

Turns out, it was pretty easy. Instead of busting her ass trying to live up to everyone's expectations, she just busted ass in our face so WE couldn't help but LOWER them. Only a genius can perform such a steep and fast decline from sweet pop star goddess to trailer park hood rat with a side of gravy fries.

She took our high expectations, pistol whipped it and gave it a Cleveland Steamer. With our expectations totally degraded and psychologically damaged, Britney now only has to put forth minimal effort for us to pucker up our anus in excitement and scream to the angels, 'Omigaw ya'll, she's makin' a comeback!'

Britney walks out of her house fully clothed:

Our reaction: "(gasp) Britney looks exquisite! Like an angel covered in pixie dust and Jesus tears!"

When Britney DOESN'T put her kids in harm's way or blow cigarette smoke directly in their mouth:

Our reaction: "Look at her with her kids! They're alive and clean with no visible injuries!! What a wonderful mother! She should teach a parenting class."

When Britney showers:
Our reaction: "Oh to be the soap and loofa to have cleansed her alabaster skin! The word 'magnificent' doesn't begin to cover what an experience that might have been!"

Britney Spears recently released a mediocre single called "Hold It Against Me," which is basically a douche bag's mating call mixed in with dancey pop zip boom beats. If anyone else had sang it, I'm convinced it wouldn't get near as much accolades or attention. But, like a poor child who finally sees his dead beat dad rounding the corner to pick him up from school after being two hours late, (phew. Did I paint that picture or what??) we push aside our feelings of abandonment and welcome Britney no matter what form she comes in. Britney is the world's heroin. We know it's never going to be like it was the first time, but we still snort, shoot, smoke and devour whatever Britney is available in hopes that maybe this time, this song, this performance, this frappuccino, will bring back our old Britney. "Hold It Against Me," is half assed at best and yet, to us, it's a little marble of hope we put into our Britney jar.

HOWEVER, just when Britney sniffs out that the public's expectations got knocked up a notch, she walks out of the house looking like this:

This was taken this month a couple days after her single was released.

And we all meekly crawl back to the bottom of the expectation barrel where we belong and wait for Britney to throw a few more stale crumbs our way.


Jan said...

Oh man. You kind of forget how whacked she got, and then BAM! some of these pics show up.
I was wondering wth was wrong with the last one and then took a look at what I thought was a funky hairband.
ummm ... no.

hezro said...

So funny...and so true!

CP said...

That last pic! OMFG.

Un-be-WEAVE-able! LOL

Soooooooo good to have you back, my sister in snarkery. Better than having Britney back. Better than bringing sexy back.

Oh, hell. You brought sexy back a LONG time ago. xoxox

Sidenote: Word Captcha was "pussyb"