Age Vs. Pamela Anderson, Round 15. Guess who's winning?

Spontaneous FLS! WHoot!


To My Darling Pam,

Thank you Pam – I’ve always wanted to know what a moose knuckle would look like if someone bedazzled it. I don’t know what’s more disturbing, me having odd thoughts about front wedgies or seeing your snatch having a light lunch with your leotard. I vote the latter but it was a pretty close race. After seeing this picture and peeling my eyeballs from the back of my skull, another thought occurred to me. How are you going to take this thing off dear Pam?What with the Kid Rock and Tommy Lee residue you’ve accumulated over the years leaving your body permanently sticky and smelling like beer soaked cigarette butts, I really hope you had an extra hand available to help you pry open your vagijaws to get it out – I’m sure it was a lot like pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich.

And on that note, I’m going to gargle out the vomit from my mouth and scrub my eyeballs raw. TTYL!


With Love,

Yo Momma



To My Darling Jennifer,

Okay, okay, I get it. You have a new movie coming out. If I promise to go see it, will you please stop parading around with ‘he who sings with runny ca ca face?’ (It’s his Indian name). You might also want to tell him that during these stage photo ops, he should try and look like he’s happy to be with you, not like he’s about to be led to his own execution. Now, normally I try not to see movies with you as the leading role, because all the yawning gives me lockjaw. (EXCEPT Along Came Polly. High five on that one) – but I’m afraid all this shameless promotion will escalate to yet even more staged photo ops with your man-child - only this time you'll be dry humping his leg like a Chihuahua.

So YES! I will go see your movie!! There! Satisfied? Now can you please go back inside the house and tend to your Brangelina shrine? I know you’re day just isn’t complete without putting yet another pin in your Angelina Jolie doll and coating your Brad Pitt poster with fresh tears.

With Love,

Yo Momma.



To My Darling Pete,

Here’s a list of things I would rather do than hear you talk to Howard Stern about how much you heart penis vagina and how great your ‘sex life’ is with Ashley Simpson:

1. Watch Carrot Top work out in thong.
2. Listen to Kevin Federline’s ‘Popozao” song on a loop for 24 hours.
3. Handle Pamela Anderson’s used leotards and eat a sandwich immediately afterwards.
4. Make sweet sweet love to Star Jones. (Okay, I dry heaved while typing that.)
5. Touch Paris Hilton without a hazmat suit
6. Pop Danny Bonaduce’s steroid induced back pimples.
7. Listen to Poppa Joe Simpson inappropriately talk about his daughter Jessica Simpson’s breasts while he has his hands shoved deep into his pockets ‘looking for change.’
8. Look at Joan Van Ark’s picture before I go to bed.
(that link is not for the faint of heart)
9. Get my eyebrows plucked by this hot bitch:


10. ..AND a bikini wax.

Seriously Pete, I'm quite positive the only ‘sex life’ you have with Ashley Simpson was when she rear ended you with your flat iron because your three speed, hands free dild ran out of batteries -or when you and Papa Joe Simpson play ‘hide the gerbil.”

Stop fronting. You, my friend, are no Tom Cruise. At least Tom Cruise has the decency to make his wife look like a little boy.

With Love,

Yo Momma.


I know, can you believe it?!?! In between the Christmas shopping madness and the munchkin's birthday party, I managed to put together a semi-decent FLF for you guys! I'm a little rusty and for that I am sorry, but I figured I owed you guys something since I've been pretty much MIA on this blog for almost a week now.

Just don't start expecting it on a regular basis just yet - well unless Pamela Anderson keeps wearing things that make her crotch look like a stale stack of pancakes -then expect a post every other day.

Give me a Heapin' Helpin of Tuna with a side of vitamin beer please!!

To my darling marketing campaign geniuses over at Stampede Beer,

I’m confused. I don’t know , maybe I should start drinking some of your beer to ‘smarten’ me up but I’m kind of scared of your product because I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say with Jessica Simpson as your spokesperson. Am I going to end up on the back of a truck full of hay, in cowboy tranny gear, with my mouth half open like a slow kid who breaths loud if I drink or don’t drink your beer? Please explain.

I know the mind automatically jumps to Jessica Simpson when the word “smart” is involved, I mean who could forget the deep philosophical discussions she had about chicken or tuna? Or unearthing the secret of the ages on national television? (buffalo wings is actually CHICKEN? Thank you Jessica, you MENSA card carrying member you…). But her whole “village idiot trying to do simple math” look with the word ‘SMART’ written in front of her sends confusing messages about your beer.

Next time might I suggest using the tried and true selling point of Jessica Simpson? (I’ll give you a hint; they’re under her shirt and if you’re still stumped, go ask Papa Joe - he’s handled her money makers before). Or maybe I’ll be really smart and just not drink your beer ‘with vitamins.’ Which is pretty much like a triple layer cake with sugar free icing. Your tag line should really read:
"What swelled liver? You’re getting your daily dose of vitamin C and B12 with each can! Drink it up Mr. Athlete!”

With Love,
Yo Momma.


To My Darling Lindsey,

So you supposedly like WOMEN right? You’re openly attracted to WOMEN? You’re down with heapin' helpins' of tuna? Okay, I can respect that. My question to you is, if you’re attracted to WOMEN, why did we decide to date a 12 year old anorexic boy that looks like he got into a fight with a box of Nice & Easy? Hmm? An explanation is needed young lady. You’re a slightly attractive girl who makes good money, couldn’t we have dated someone who looks a little less like a prepubescent grocery bagger with sticky sacks and more like someone who actually showers and has a Virginia?

On the positive side, it looks like your girlfriend could take a mean hit off a giant bong, re-chain a BMX bike and hammer up some drywall - all in one day. So who knows, maybe you like how flat twink asses look in a pair of Dickies and a tool belt. Or maybe it just goes to show that whether it be men or women, your judgment is clearly impaired when you snort enough coke to kill a "women's" softball team.

Next time, leave lesbian dating to the experts!

High Five Ellen!

With love,
Yo Momma

Dear John Mayer,

Is it your 1980’s workout pants? Is it the constant yammering you do on and off the stage? Is it the painful diarrhea face that you get when you sing? (click on that link and tell me that's not your new desktop wallpaper!) I don't know what it is but it seems as if every time I see you, I get the feeling that if I stick your head up my nay nay and squeeze hard, I would get “Spring Flower Fresh” scented vinegar water to squirt out your ears and give me that oh so fresh feeling.

And why do I get the urge to do that when I see you?…. or Shia Lebouf?…. Or Justin Timberlake?….Or Spencer Pratt? …or Katherine Heigle?????

It’s a disturbing thought, but I think I’m not alone in feeling that most celebrities are about as useful as vaginal irrigation devices.



With love,
Yo “oh so fresh” Momma.


Otay ya'll, I'm off to Mizzery, Moosorry, Mizzo tomorrow for a whooole week to visit some family and take a well deserved vacation in a cabin...on lake.....in a remote area of the wilderness.......with no internet....who's nearest neighbor is probably someone named 'stabby Joe' (thanks Shannon)....
City girls with big imagination + sleeping in remote wilderness = screeching at every owl that 'hoots' in my direction and mistaking every tree as a one-eyed hillbilly cannibal.

Maybe this won't be such a relaxing trip after all.
Wish me luck as I go off on my own midget Blair Witch Project. Pictures and made up horror stories coming soon! Stay Tuned!

I Hate To Tell You This, But You're Easy Like Sunday Morning. Sorry.

So console yourself and your whorish ways with a little FLM!!!! (Fan Letter Monday because that's how I roll).


To My Darling Jenna,

Congratulations! If rumors are true, you and your 8 pound water head boyfriend are with child! I can’t tell you how terrified happy I am for both of you! His sperm must have GPS navigation built in to avoid all the obstacles it encountered, as I’m sure there’s a few men from 1983, an old futon and my friend Elisa (where is that girl?) wandering around lost in the universal manhole that is your Virginia.

So brava for his amazing swimmers, who probably just head butted their way to your calloused uterus, kicked the tumbleweeds out of the way and buttered up to your unsuspecting eggs, who have long given up on being found and unfortunately let themselves go:


I’m putting together a nice congratulatory basket for you, so look out for that in the mail. It comes complete with underwear made completely out of rubber bands, (too keep the baby from falling out when you’re 4 months along– the rubber bands will bounce him/her right back up in there until month 9. Clever!) along with a snorkel for the doctor for your check ups and for when he delivers the baby. The day when you’re 40 centimeters dilated and he walks out of there holding your baby is going to be the happiest day of your life!

With Love,

Yo Momma.

To My Darling Matthew McConaughey,

You know, normally, b.o. slash patchouli smelling, vegan hippies who hang out at coffee shops in O.C. (you know, like really hippies do..) are just fun to point at, laugh and eat hamburgers in front of with your mouth open. (oh God, I can hear PETA rustling around in my backyard already after that comment). But with you, it’s different, little things like your ABS! penchant to play bongos naked, your ABS! description of the birth experience as “getting tribal on it” and YOUR FANTABULOUS ABS! wanting to plant a tree with the placenta and not actually being a vegan (I just got shot with a soy paintball) makes me love you oh so much more.
That baby is so lucky to have a father who has ABS! such a great stash of some sweet ass pot positive outlook on life.

God bless you Mr. McConaughey.

Now take your shirt off and pass the dutchie on the left hand side.

With Love,

Yo Momma.

To My Darling Audrina,

If you’re not smart enough to get out of douche infested waters, I don’t even know why I’m bothering to write you this letter since it’s clear that you haven’t read anything since that novel about ‘dick’ and ‘jane’ – and no, having your assistant read US Magazine to you does not count.

But here I am, always the humanitarian, warning you about the effects of overexposure to 100% pure Los Angeles vaginal irrigations tools– which you seem to have boiled yourself in judging from that picture. You fool!! How did you not see it? TWO Fedora hats within bitch slapping range? The guy with the pink Captain and Tenille hat in the back (I kind of want him), fledging future man boobies, soft hands and MANicures as far as the eye can see?? (To make it a real 100 percent tool is a guy who is actually from somewhere else but Los Angeles. – which I'm positive is about 95 percent of the soft meat in that pool.)

So don’t be surprised if you wake up suddenly idolizing Dane Cook, have an urge to buy white rimmed sunglasses, wear an“Ed Hardy” trucker hat sideways (because what says hardworking, dirty trucker like a $100 dollar Ed Hardy hat, I ask of you???) and have an aching in your mangina for a frozen yogurt at PinkBerry – it probably means you swallowed a little of that pool water but not to worry, much like their erections, it’ll wear off in a couple of minutes.

With Love,

Yo Momma.

And finally, at tribute to America!
America Ferrera that is, who, with a couple of facial expressions and no words, said what we all feel about Hollywood and brainless idiots like Blake Lively who think 'acting' in Gossip Girl (with its Shakespearean like plots) is an art form worthy of respect. If looks of disgust could kill, Blake Lively would have had a giant, gaping wound in the middle of her head. (we can only wish)

Please watch closely, the magic of America:
P.s. also, let me remind you that tomorrow is Midget Appreciation day! (um, my Amazon wish list is conveniently located on the side bar of this blog *cough cough!*)
That's one more notch on my belt age wise! and height wise, well, that remains at the 6th grade notch. Figures.



I LOVE AMERICA!!!!!!

Husky Women, Girly Men, and my old teacher's Alien Baby. FLF is so much fun!

To My Darling Brooke,

Imagine my surprise when I heard that you would possibly be posing nude for Playboy. Can you believe this whole time I thought they were known for putting naked WOMEN in Playboy? But hey, big ups to ol' papyrus scroll peen for deciding to really put the 'boy' in Playboy. Not to say you're not a gorgeous person Brooke, but I can't help but think you pick out your short shorts in the husky section at Ross. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is a brilliant move because now you can really be the crossover star that you've always wanted to be. You'll grace the covers for Playboy (tucked) and Playgirl (untucked)!

If this does happen, just make sure your dad doesn't come with you - it is such a bitch to have to airbrush his hands off your ass. Lord knows they're going to be plenty busy airbrushing your testies 5'clock shadow jawline so they can try and soften you up a bit Brookehilda.

So yeah, I can't wait. A blonde with big boobs in Playboy - who would've thought the magazine would take such risks?!

With Love,
Yo Momma.

To My Darling Sarah Jessica Parker,

Oh my, why the long face SJP? (hee). Is it because Star is reporting that your husband is cheating on you with some 25 year old woman who's a camp counselor? Don't fret dear Sarah, you know how inaccurate Star is about reporting these things. Because I'm pretty sure when they said "camp counselor" and "woman"- they probably meant "effeminate hairdresser" or "Nathan Lane." There is no way my girl Matty would be cheating on you with a woman. Although, give the gal a break and have him wear the heels or raid your closet once in a while. Lord knows he spends enough time in his closet - he could use the change of scenery.

So please, stop crying and binging on those sugar cubes and oats. Dress yourself up, brush your mane and go give Matthew a night of unbridled passion.

Neigh.

I mean, With Love,
Yo Momma.

To my darling Mr. Ferguson,

What are you doing on Perez Hilton.com? Shouldn't you be in school coaching the football team whilst wearing those uncomfortably and inappropriately tight "athletic" shorts you used to wear even in the dead of winter? (Although in California, winter is a day where the temperature is below 70. BRR!) Let me take this time to thank you for being the greatest student government teacher a girl could ask for. Most importantly, all those multiple "student government" passes you used to give me so that I could skip out on insignificant things like 'algebra class' and attend to more pressing issues like, do we have enough butcher paper to make a banner for the homecoming game? ?? So what if I still do mathematical calculations with my fingers, the most important thing is I write the world "homecoming" in bubble letters and in 3D.

Anyways, congratulations on your daughter Stacy's success. Although I have to admit when I saw that 8x10 picture of her and her 'band' Wild Orchid in your office, my first thought was, how could you allow your daughter to be in porn named after a Renuzit air freshener? But look how much penis she's grown! Who knew that premature aging (meth is great!) and peeing on yourself would be the secret formula to success?!?
I don't know Hollywood at all.

With Love,
Your former student and most unqualified class president in the history of R.H.S.
Yo Momma

I do love me some Mr. Ferguson, he was a great teacher and I hate to talk smack on Stacy but she just gives me the creeps. That face is so radically different from what she used to look like - its like that movie Men In Black where the cockroach alien takes over that farmer's body.

Please direct your attention to exhibit A.....

Wild Orchid Days.

Post Roach Alien Invasion.

Edgar from Men In Black, Post Roach Alien Invasion:


I rest my case. Where's Tommy when you need him! Roach alien exorcism is needed, STAT!

Have a great weekend everybody!!!!

Old Papyrus Scroll Peen - now with more Ben Gay Flavor!!!!

Just when you thought I was going to crap out on FLF once again.....I delivered!!! Sort of.
It's the ugly sister of Fan Letter Friday...Fan Letter Tuesday, please ignore her wonky eye and fried chicken smell.


To my darling Jamie Lynn Spears,

Well crack open a Pabst and gimme a dirty diaphragm! You done squeezed a baby from your little kiwi girl! Congratulations! Is there such a thing as pork rind confetti because if there isn't, it should be invented right now! Paper confetti just isn't going to cut it for this celebration! Being a teenage mother is the BEST because the Magna Doodle you used to play with are still within reach and ready to pass on to the next generation! Just think, 7 years ago, you were only 10 years old PLAYING with fake babies, and now look at you! My my, time flies just about as fast as your legs opened doesn't it? Just to be clear, I'm not judging you. I can't really expect a member of the Spears clan to possibly know about things like condoms (its this rubbery thing that goes over a guy's penis...not ketchup..or mustard...or bacon grease), the pill (preferably ones that don't have SMARTIES written on the package), diaphragms (its like a trampoline for sperm!), IUDS and Depo Prove....oh never mind, I'm sure the initial shock that the stork doesn't exist is still fresh in your head.
Speaking of your head, I am truly in love with that fabulous, premature graying, Barbara Mandrell, Nice & Easy, sexy senior silver streaks that you're sporting on the cover of Ok! It momentarily took my thoughts away from the future of that child you're holding (it involved Wal-Mart, a baby bottle filled with diet Coke and not a car seat in sight..) and reminded me that I have to go out and buy you a moo moo.
Do those come in junior sizes? I'll make sure it matches your Bratz diary.

Anyways, Yeeha girl. Yeeeeeehawwwww!!!

With Love,
Yo Momma


To my darling Joey Lawrence's wife,

Are times that tough that you two have to share clothing? Not that I don't think Joey's breasts don't look fabulous in your burgundy shirt with that plunging neck line and those jeans - giiirrrl, where did you find them? Because it makes his ass look small and firm - it's exactly what big gay bears women want when they go looking for twinks jeans. At least he's trying to butch it up just a little bit with that belt from Hot Topic that screams I'm all man baby!

But I guess since dancing with the stars is over and Mario Lopez is officially the king of the overly muscled, overly manicured metro douche town, I can see why Joey and you have to share clothes. Times are tough. Has he thought about working the men's bathroom stalls in West Hollywood? I hear they love a good "tap dancer" wearing white flip flops, sporting a clean shaven ass head. I'm just throwing out suggestions here....

Oh shit the phone's ringing already... hold on.........um, please tell your husband that Mrs. Tommy Cruise would like to see Joey in his office immediately. The "alien radar" (conveniently located in Tommy's pants) alerted him that Joey has been infiltrated with corrupt alien spirits and that he must perform an alien probe with his Scientology blessed high heels (Tommy peed on them) immediately!!!

Wow. This is serious. Tell him to glitter up those boobies, it's going to be a long night....

With Love,
Yo Momma.

To my Darlings Holly and Kendra,

I don't know whether or not to believe the rumors that you're not getting along, that Kendra really hates Holly's guts, that you two don't even speak in real life, that Kendra was made to be Hef's girlfriend just for ratings,(shocking!), that Holly can't stand Kendra's endorsement deals, or that you two are in a contest to see who can finish Cat In The Hat first, blah blah blah, etcetera, etcetera. And while it disturbs me to the very core that two classy and elegant women like yourselves can't get along...I can't help but think to myself...

You two suck old man peen.

Doesn't that fact right there make everything else irrelevant???
"Oh what a cute outfit Kendra has!" (She sucks old man peen)
"Holly is so well spoken!(for a girl who sucks old man peen)
"Aren't they lucky that they get to live such a lavish lifestyle!(because they suck old man peen?)

And Hef's not just old like, slightly graying, Harrison Ford-esque old. Old as in that bitch was friends with the Pharaoh. Old as in he was the foreman for a little known construction project called the Pyramids. He totally got Jesus drunk on his own wine and hired a hooker to deflower Moses when he was still in high school OLD. Old as in his peen rolls out like a papyrus scroll old. Old as in his balls probably shoot out sperm fossils.
So ladies, please don't fight because really, no one can see past the whole senior citizen suck down that got you ladies where you are today = old peen suckers! YAY! Success! Accomplishment! and most of all DIGNITY!

With Love,
Yo Momma

Juicy Burps

I got one coming people, I swears it. This is just how I'm feeling today...


...so you know, it might be a really late FLF, or a Saturday/Sunday deal...who can say, but side bar, side bar! Quick question kids.....Can anybody capture the essence of nauseated, sweaty and gassy all with one facial expression BUT Britney?
Yeah no, she's a genius.
I bow to you Ms. Spears.

FLF: Sexy Like Warm Milk With A Pube In It.

To my darling Mrs. Stewart:

Can I just tell you what a wonderful wife you are? No really, I’m going to give credit where credit it due. I’ve always thought that Rod Stewart was about as sexy as warm milk with a pube hair floating in it, but if the great grandfather of all metrosexuals (an all pink ensemble? Really?) gets you a lactatin’ then go you! I’m sure you already change his diapers on a daily basis, why not give him a feeding while he’s waiting for the Viagra to kick in? You are just doing your duties as a gold digger, a care giver, Mrs. Stewart and for that I applaud you.
I hope Rod knows how hard it is to find a woman who is willing to breastfeed the elderly AND not mind smelling like old man spittle and Ben Gay 24 hours a day. You really are quite a catch.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest



To my darling Mini me,

I just wanted to let you know that I’m not going to freak out about your recent *leaked* sex tape. So what if you’re the size of my big toe? Big toes need some sexy times too right? And props to the girl that kind of looks like Jeff Goldblum's offspring when he got stuck in Appalachia and went looking for some strange.
If you’re hittin’ that right, then high five Mini Me! But speaking of hittin’ it, how do you fu ??? I mean, can you get your leg like…up…like…??? Uh….how does your pen…? Um..where do you get the leverage to even…???? Is your arm ….??? Like is that what you use instead of …???? Do guys just do ora …?? I wonder if it looks like she’s giving bir…???

No! Never mind! I don’t want to know!

Yes I do!
No I don’t!
YES!
NO!
YES!
No NO! I don’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh God, I think I need some therapy or electroshocks to forget I ever had this disturbing train of thought.

If you ever wondered what your lawn gnome would look like if he made out with someone, watch this and then please go get some help.


With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest

To My Darling Matthew,

While most people can tell its summertime by the sun in the sky and the smell of flowers in the air, I can usually tell its summertime when your shirt comes off and the smell of bong water and Matthew B.O. (smells like mint and sexy in case you’re wondering) waft across my nostrils. I take a deep breath and take comfort in knowing that T-shirts will be nonexistent in your life for three whole months.

So it came as a shock and surprise to me when I saw this picture:


Um? Is that a piece of fabric covering your body??? I did not get the memo nor did I give you permission to put on a shirt. It clearly states in our “McConaughey Secretly Loves The Midge And Will Do Her Every Bidding” agreement that:

A. Thou shalt manscape.
B. Thou shalt spontaneously flex even ESPECIALLY when the situation does not call for it.
C. Thou shalt giveth the midget private bongo lessons once a month sans loin cloth.
D. Thou shalt work out at inappropriate places and do push ups on every available flat surface, including the Olsen twin's chests.

But the last and the most important rule:

E. Nay shall a piece of clothing touch thine upper extremities when out in public for 3 months or if the weather remains aboveth 20 degrees-eth.
(his nips get all hard at about 23 degrees so you know, a shirt would just ruin it.)

I guess maybe you wore that shirt so that weight thingy you have on doesn’t scratch your pweety wittle (big) chest while you’re running and I can excuse that, however, next time, please call and run this by me. I could have easily been strapped on to your bare chest while you ran with no fear of getting any kind of nick or scratch…although taking me off would be a whole different story. (can you saw jaws of life?)....but whatever, I'd be face first in your chest you'd get a good work out and that's what matters.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest
(in case you hadn't already noticed I LOVE CROSSING OUT SHIT when I write these letters..I abuse it, I'm sorry.)

I KNOW! I KNOW! That last one was LAME but today's FLF post was full of disturbing images of grandpas having breast milk shakes and a lawn ornament having sexy times, so I had to give your eyeballs (and gag reflex) a break. Plus it IS summer and that means I HAVE to post shirtless McConaughey pictures at least every other FLF post or I get all jittery and anxious. Then I start to feel old age creeping up from behind me and.....oh wait, it was just Rod Stewart.

Get away Papaw! It’s not feeding time yet!

Oh God, I’m just full of corn and not enough alcoholic beverages today. My apologies.

Have a great weekend everybody!

They Tried To Make Me Go And Take A Bath But I Said, NO, NO, NO!

To My Darling Amy,

As discussed, here is my bill for services rendered:

Human Hair Accessory – flat fee of $600.00

Unfortunately, I had to add on some additional charges as certain unexpected work-related trauma/injuries have occurred from having to stand on your head for a couple hours to prop your hair up.

30 day rehab - $4000.00
* Due to your cracked laced sweat which emanated from your scalp and seeped into the pores of my feet as I stood inside your hair.

Ongoing treatment for Anosmia - $500 (a month for an undetermined amount of time)
* Due to breathing in your hair’s strong odor of chum, sour milk and vomit, my olfactory senses shut down for survival purposes and have not returned.

Bug Spray $40.00 ( I had to use two cans!)
* don’t tell me you don’t notice that shit crawling around in there. You knew this bill was coming.

Psychiatrist fees, $ dollar amount TBD.
*Since being mummified inside your hair, I have had chronic nightmares of Cousin It having his way with me – after he’s gone on a 3 day fishing trip with no shower.

I’m sure you can guess I’m not doing you anymore favors Amy! I initially did this because I felt bad for you. Lately, you’re looking like you’re at death’s door but clearly even death knows it wouldn’t have enough Febreeze in hell to get rid of the stench you would leave on its carpet. You'll be standing at death's door until they can figure out how to delouse your ass.

With Love,

Yo Momma.


To My Darling Brooke,

You know it’s bad enough that you have two beef jerky parents who date toddlers and a brother who has a special throne in hell waiting just for him, but now your tampon has grown arms and legs! Wait? What? That’s your boyfriend?! I’m sorry, I’m a total idiot. Of course that’s not a tampon! To use a tampon you would actually need a vagina.

Oh Brookie, you’ve had a horrible year, if you want to date someone that looks to be the spawn of Axle Rose and Joe Dirt, then by all means do so. You deserve it. But please, let him be the pitcher once in a while. I can see that too much of your Hogan bat might cause him to inadvertently stain his lovely white denim pants.

With Love,

Yo Momma


To My Darling Katherine,

You’re so very sensitive to my feelings. It’s as if you knew I couldn’t stand the sight of your blow up doll face and you’re effectively ruining your career so I don’t have to stare at it anymore. Thank you so much but damn! You didn’t have to go all out! Acting like you’re talented is very bold, but dissing the Emmys and the writers of the show that pretty much made you famous!? You’re amazing! I think I might have to take back all that stuff I said about you working your oral skills on the casting couch to get where you are today. But I won’t, because after your little comment, I think you might have to get back to explaining to the casting directors why they should hire you. Although, I highly recommend that when you open your mouth, something should go in it and not OUT of it. You know, like the old days!

I can’t wait for next season when your character is fired, gets addicted to meth, opens up her own meth lab that explodes in her face which then sends her BACK to the hospital, only this time as an armless stub with one eyeball. (Gray’s writers are you taking notes??). And let’s not forget the straight to DVD sequel to Knocked Up: “Knocked Up II: This time, its interracial!”

Thanks Katherine for all your hard work.

With Love,

Yo Momma

Have a great weekend everybody and Happy Father’s day to all the daddies out there!!! Well...everyone except Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend dad….can someone tell Joe that Jessica is too old to be playing horsey on his knee?

"But Daddy I don't want to play horsey, something keeps poking me in the back!"
"That's suppose to be the bridle sweetie! Hold on tight!...and please, call me Joe."

He's so gross. Sorry, I think even I crossed the line with myself with that one. BLECH!

Toasted Hot Leather Sandwich: Hold The Mayo!

To my darling hot ginger baby/ recurring rash,

Oh Mr. Manilow Mr. Aiken. I just wanted you to know that you do me proud mister! Just when I thought that you weren’t all man, you go and knock up grandma at the ol’ folks home! At first I wondered if she put on a fake mustache and lowered her voice to trick you into it. But then I heard you knocked her up turkey baster style!! You got the mayo on without touching the roast beef sandwich (or breaking her hip)! Brilliant. How that mayo was actually produced I have no idea, but I do know that a JUGGS magazine probably wasn’t part of the process. (Although I do get the feeling that somewhere, a shirtless Marky Mark poster is curled up in the corner of a bathtub, crying while taking a scalding hot shower.) And who knew that listening to all those Celine Dion cds and watching Beaches would help give you potent man seeds? Potent enough to be able to wake up eggs that probably expired sometime in 1982. Although, I’m not surprised, I’m sure your little swimmers made a hell of a lot noise when they realize they were swimming down the wrong pipe.

“Okay, Tom!? Do you have the map? ! My directions say nothing about a fork in the road! What is this!? We better find this party soon because my heels are killing me.”

I am ashamed that I even once question your manhood you virile thing you!
Play on playah!!!

With Love,

Yo Momma


To My Dearest 19 year old (?) Man Boy dating Linda Hogan,

You know it’s really nice that your nanny took you down to Rite Aid and bought you the same Revlon hair bleach that she uses (Trailer Hitch Blonde #223 to be exact) so you guys can be all matchy matchy and shit but I don’t think dry humping her leathery thigh is an appropriate thank you, do you?

Need I remind you that she’s seen Brooke Hogan naked and that bitch is HUNG, so you’ve got a lot to live up to. A more thoughtful thank you would have been buying her a Costco sized case of sunscreen or moisturizer to smear on herself STAT! Because slowly but surely, it appears as if Linda Hogan is looking more and more like the dried up skin on the back of my ankles.

But hey, if you like swinging your wiffle ball bat into a catcher’s mitt with dry rot, that’s your business. Maybe it’s good for her, what do I know? I guess when your son’s in jail a good way to deal with the pain is to screw a guy that kind of looks...........like.....your....son (?)

I must have misspelled a word somewhere because something about that last sentence made me vomit a little in my mouth.

With love,

Yo Momma (and NO I will not go to Chuck E. Cheese with you!)


To my Dearest Christina,

You know, I never got a chance to say congratulations on your boobs baby. Motherhood is a beautiful and yet udderly terrifying thing all at the same time. It’s like when you first hold that precious baby in our arms and look at the blue veins running across your lopsided implants their beautiful eyes, you know all that pain and pushing was worth it. All of a sudden you forget how to button up your shirt tired you are and you’re energy is renewed. You realize that you have enough silicon to keep Intel in business for years the love for your child is something that’s indescribable.

No really, congratulations. There really is nothing better than inappropriately flashing your milk filled implants to strangers and temporarily blinding them with their sheer hideousness being a parent.

Mazel! Mazel!

With Love,

Yo Momma


To My Darling Hugh Jackman,

I don't really have a letter for him, I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of him playing with his little friend.

You're welcome.

Now go have a lovely weekend and get off my lawn you!

I'd Totally Strap It On For Tommy.

To My Darling Jean “Papaw” Claude,

Uh oh! Looks like someone had one too many Werther’s Originals! Lay off the Ensure papaw because you’re killing me with sexiness! Is anything hotter than an old grandpa laying out his shriveled third thumb and coin purses on the balcony? (the answer to that is NOTHING…as if you didn’t already know!) And then, just to add some more rowr to our tiger, you throw a high kick up in the air to show us you’re a flexible bottom your salt and pepper pubes! I can’t stand it! I’m surprised Tom Cruise didn’t climb that balcony and bite your hot geriatric ass. Although, I’m betting Tommy’s going to be paying a visit to that balcony later to smell the manly musk of Ben Gay (because you know that kick put his ass on the couch for a month), pomade and Metamucil sweat you rubbed all over it.

shoving your junk between wrought iron railings is a mating call for Thumbelina Tommy dontcha know???


All I know is I’m relieved that the old hip remained intact after your impressive display of desperation manliness. Ignore Tom, you should come over to my house sometime Jean; I’ll make you a hot bowl of Quaker’s oatmeal with a tall glass of prune juice and make sure your pacemaker is working just right.

I’m a romantic, what can I say?

With Love,

Yo Momma


To My Darling Katie,

My God, you look wonderful! And I don’t mean that in a “you look great for a 40 year old – oh wait, you’re only 27” sort of way. I mean you look great for someone who’s had a lobotomy and is currently being held hostage. (That Tom Cruise sure is a charmer). And look at you! You’re getting so good at looking down so that the real Mrs. Cruise can be the one that’s statuesque and gorgeous. They have wonderful trainers at Xenu Camp don’t they? You’re very generous. No really you are. I know he wouldn’t have married you unless you were willing to “strap it to tap it”(because vaginas. ew.) and share your heels with him. For all your hard work stroking the Scientology’s messiah (albeit while dressed like a young boy – I mean, that’s why you’re rocking the bowl haircut right? For realism?), he’s allowing you to be on Broadway! Congratulations! I guess by “allow” that means he’s found a mind control device that he can do remotely from his spaceship. (thank you T-Mobile!) So convenient and more independence for both of you!
You’re off to Broadway and he’s off to a bath house with no interruptions!
Win Win situation if you ask me.

And I have to apologize for insinuating that your wife is wearing heels to appear taller than you. Upon closer investigation, I just realized that Tommy is LEVITATING over you. All hail the power of Xenu. He is mighty indeed.

beeebooop. blurg,
Yo Momma

To My Darling Dustin Hoffman,

I don’t blame you brotha.
I. Don’t. Blame. You.

Did you touch them? They have healing powers you know.

Is it feeding time yet?

With Love,

Angie’s Bitch.


Okay, sorry, that last one was crass. I know you visit my blog purely for its wholesome good fun and that was uncalled for.
I’m sorry, really I am. But……Are her twins going to be well fed or WHAT?

Heavens.

But you know who I love more than Angelina? Crazy Tom Cruise. wait, let me rephrase..BATSHIT crazy Tom Cruise. I wish he would stop acting normal to get good press and just shoot fire out of his ass already. Seriously, if he turns into this:


I won't be able to control myself. Unfortunately, it looks like that's what Katie's hoping to morph into.

Have a great memorial day weekend everybody!!!

Fan Letter Whenever The Hell I Feel Like It....

To My Darling Amy,

Glamour and beauty sweetie, those are the two words that come to mind when I feast my eyes on a precious creature like you. The words “crack ballet” also comes to mind actually but that’s probably because you’re wearing your blood stained dance slippers in this picture. I’m still trying to figure out why I feel the need to put the word “crack” in front of “ballet.” Or to describe anything that you do. Puzzling indeed.
But seriously, you are a picture of true beauty sans showers. I love how you’ve taken a simple thing like concealer and used it to pack up the meth holes in your face. Spackle me pretty! I love it! Reminds me of the time I remodeled my bathroom.



I’m thinking that the masterpiece that is your beehive wasn’t done up with just mere hair products either. Oh no, that bee hive has clearly been constructed and supported with “I’ve been up for 3 days straight” sweat, (has a lot more holding power than regular sweat), withdrawals sweat, (for added bounce), cigarette butts, used Kleenex, and your dealer’s jizz. Is there anyway you can pour that concoction into a zip lock bag and send it to me? I need to jazz up my do’ a little.

Those flowers look like dried up old weeds when held up against your gorgeousness. On a side note, I hope you can hold that bouquet up without tipping over since your frame is ever so delicate. And clearly that’s a genetic thing and NOT because you’ve snorted enough cocaine to kill a small donkey.

Nope, that’s not it at all. Your have a crack whore’s ballerina’s frame for sure.

Love you, love your work.

With Love,
Yo Momma



To My Darling Shauna,

First of all, you must tell me what year where you found those shoes? Those damn hookers and trannies are very secretive about which stores they like to shop at. I think the only mistake you made with those is that you bought them without the gold fish swimming inside the heel. Slacking!!! But I forgive you because the rest of the package is absolutely flawless.

Your transition from human to an orangutan in drag is coming along quite nicely. The wax candy butt blubber lips and the orange sunset tan combined with the animal print lycra tank top (who needs pants?! Not you, you hot bitch!) is almost too much class for me to handle. Your face has been chopped up and put back together so effectively I can’t help but wonder if your plastic surgeon was a former chef at Benihana’s.
I do hope you’re saving up some money for those ears though. I was very close to just whispering this letter instead of writing it because I was pretty sure you'd hear me. And don’t forget to trim those long ass toes either – damn, it looks like Shaq’s hands got a manicure.

But don’t fret, it’s nothing a little plastic surgery can’t fix! But something tells me that you already know that. Lorenzo Lamas was a fool for dumping a prize like you.

With Love,
Yo Momma


To My Darling Diane,

So I don’t get it. You’re just looking like your age? No watered down botulism injected into your face? No brow lift, chin lift, eyebrow lift, ear lift, lip lift, no lifting of any sort on that face? Your nose is the same nose you’ve had since you were born? Are you the only one in Hollywood without a deviated septum? You’re just going to stand around and be in your 60s and not try to put your ass fat in your lips and get implants so you can look like you’re 30? What is this madness?

Seriously, I don’t get it. You’re just going on talent alone? You can do that?

That explains a lot actually.

With MUCH LOVE,

Yo Momma.


Diane Keaton doesn't give a fuck which is why I love her so. She'd rather look like a normal 60 something year old than look like this:


Whoopteedoo, you don't have a wrinkled forehead, too bad your face looks like somebody put silly putty over their knee.
(Stewie said that on Family Guy and I laughed my ass off for an hour.)
OMG. I don't know how I'm going to get to bed after seeing that face. Horrifying isn't even the word to describe it. Sad and pathetic ....maybe.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend!!!

Dontcha' wish your toddler was hot like mine! .... Wait. What???

Dearest Makers of The Paris Hilton Doll,

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am that you’ve made this! I can only imagine all the little things this special doll can do and teach our children. Does it automatically give you herpes when you touch it? Do you have to buy the crabs separately or does it come with the skirt? Does it come with a free lifetime supply of Valtrex? Does it spread eagle after you give it just one compliment? If put next to a Barbie will it start a cat fight and call Barbie fat? If you buy the doll for your child, does it automatically report you to Child Protective Services??

ooh I’m so excited! Please brilliant doll company, you can’t just flaunt this Paris doll in my face and not brag about all its features because the possibilities are endless.

I can’t wait until you come out with an Amy Winehouse doll complete with it’s own Easy Bake meth lab.

With Love,

Yo Momma


Dearest Beyonce or Beyonce’s mom (because this has her tacky Lee Press on nail havin’ hand prints smeared all over it) :

I spoke too soon. I called the makers of the Paris doll “brilliant” right before I saw this GENIUS clothing line you have for children.

That’s right, I said it – GENIUS.
Genius because what’s better than a 4 year old in 6 inch stilettos at the sand box??? Um. How about nothing?? I can’t wait for the day my daughter turns 6 and schools me on how to wear eyeliner and fishnets properly. Nothing says future, successful woman than a toddler wearing knee high boots and a leopard skin clutch purse. What was I thinking with these Disney princess t-shirts, flower dresses and Dora light up shoes? That kind of stuff doesn’t get a pedophile’s preschool boy’s attention! Duh. How am I supposed to teach my daughter that her self worth is to be measured by how much attention you’re getting from boys if I’m not dressing her in the proper attire? Thank you House of Moron for teaching me how kids SHOULD be dressing. Cute is so last season. Sexy toddler is the new black! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?!?

That being said – I dare Beyonce to dress her future daughter in her “designer” children’s clothes and have Woody Allen baby sit.

ANNNDDD....if I see a mom walking around with her child dressed in this shit, please be forewarned that I will take my blog tag line to heart and slice a bitch before I grab your child and take her to the library. Thank you.

With disgust,

NOT Yo Momma. (thank god).

Dearest Tila Tequila:

A peek into the future.



Just sayin.’
Although please note, that I’m only talking about your physical likeness to her. You will never be as fabulous as Latoya. Please take note of her fierceness:



So much botox fierceness that she's starting to look like a cat even! Or is that just because her ears meet at the back of her head?
Whatever. She's awesome. Ms. Jackson if you crazy.

With Love,

Yo Momma.


Oy vey. First, thank god that Paris Hilton doll is only in Germany. What's wrong with Germany? First making David Hasselhoff a recording star and now this? Is this what cold weather and too much vodka Löwenbräu(got my stereotypes wrong..thanks Lizzle!) do to you?
Second, I really dislike Tila Tequila. Can you tell? It's hard enough to find more than a handful of well known Asians in Hollywood and it annoys the hell out of me that this twat stain is one of them.
Third, that Beyonce clothing line REALLY bothers me because I know there are stupids out there who will buy this crap for their children. It’s sad enough that there are stupids out there procreating, but the fact that there’s stupids out there with money, spreading stupid inane crap to other stupids who buy it,…and well…the world gets stupider along with their kids. The empty barrels in the world do indeed make the most noise and it’s unfortunate.

Apologies for the two and a half letters today– I had to hurry up that third letter because gots shits to do! I have to pack and get ready to go to Las Vegas this weekend! One of my best friends from college is getting married and viking hubby and I can’t wait to go. Also, due to unforeseen circumstances, viking hubby has to be an emergency fill in as one of the groomsmen. I think I’m more excited about that than the trip itself because he has to be in a SUIT. Holy jeebus, viking hubby in a suit is a rare rare treat for his midget wife. I’m going to be following him around like a midget groupie.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Smells like lesbians, trolls and post op trannies...it can only mean one thing. Fan Letter Fridays IS BACK!!! (for GOOD).

To my darlings, Ashley and Peter,

While all the celeb blogs are speculating whether or not you guys are with child, none of them are asking the REAL question.

HOW??…..
How did two power lesbians like you possibly get pregnant?

And journalists seem to be slacking these days because I scoured every news report about both of you and yet, I still don’t know which of you lovely ladies is pregnant! I guess everyone assumes it’s Ashley but quite frankly, Pete has the better birthing hips and I always thought the fem lesbian was the one that got inseminated? Or wait…can you get pregnant from your boyfriend sleeping with other dudes?!? Holy cow, all my beliefs are being tested on this one. Realistically though, I guess it would be easy to get your hands on some baby batter. All you’d have to do is turn good ol’ Pete around and see what kind of strapping young man juice is brewing around in his backyard. He’s got quite a collection I’m sure, pretty as he is.

You know, I’m really surprised Papa Joe hasn’t signed you two on a reality show to try and break up the relationship. We all know how ugly it can be when you try and mess with one of Papa Joe’s girlfriends daughters. But I guess Papa Joe was more sexually attracted protective of his first born because it seems like he actually supports your union. Who knew Papa Joe would be a fan of gay couples? I guess he’s just happy to finally be able to impregnate one of his daughters and use a gay man to cover it up see one of his daughters in a happy relationship.

I’ll wrap this up by saying congratulations? I’ll be sending over a basket of waterproof eyeliner, because going through labor is hard, the last thing Pete needs is for his eyeliner to smear while he’s pushing. And hopefully Pete’s vagina is up to the task because that Leno-ish chin that Simpson is sporting looks like it’ll be a 6 stitcher kind of tear.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest.


To my Darling Olson, (I have no idea which Olsen this is),

I. LOVE. YOU. Its like you knew I was starting Fan Letter Friday again and you stepped up to the plate to give me some FLF fodder. Thank you rich Olsen troll for thinking of me. Now let’s get down to business….

Honestly, this kind of outfit only makes me envy your rich bony ass a little bit more. Putting a bicycle tire on your head and wearing a hand me down from Mrs. Roper and convincing people that it’s FASHAWN! is something only wealthy Gollum like creatures can do. Although, I guess if you haven’t eaten since 1993, you could totally put together an outfit like this from sheer delirium. So I’m really not hatin’ on this Olsen..(MK?), because if I wiped my ass with five hundred dollar bills and considered a carrot as a year’s worth of food, I would totally walk around wearing a beef jerky blouse, (spicy not the teriyaki kind), a skirt made of used diaphragms and condoms, a shrunken head necklace and a Dora The Explorer cereal bowl as a hat.

Oh who am I kidding?
I wore that shit last week.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest.


To my darlings, Heidi and Spencer,

No really, carrying a grown woman on your shoulders wearing bright lemon colored pants with heels at the park is TOTALLY normal. Yes, it’s what all couples do, so no worries. Those photos appear very candid indeed. In fact, just the other day I asked viking hubby to carry me on his shoulders while I was wearing my rhinestone covered chaps and then I asked him to buy me a pack of garbage pail kids from the ice cream man.

Um…I have no idea where that line of thought was going, wishful thinking perhaps?…Can someone go on ebay and type out “rhinestone chaps?” Let me know. And does anyone know if the ice cream man still sells garbage pail kids with that dried up sugary gum that loses its flavor as soon as any type of saliva hit it? I miss those.

Okay digressing, back to douche and the post op transsexual…..


Besides being Alive with Pleasure!!! And clearly being the most authentic couple on planet earth who look like they love them some Mentos, I have no issues with either of you. I’m simply writing to tell you to step away from that poor horse. Clearly its troubled by the fact that he resembles Heidi. How can you not see it? Poor horse, for a minute he thought he had a love child. Oh and Spencer, can you please give that carrot back to Mary Kate? A girl’s gotta eat!... or filter feed or whatever it is she does to sustain life in those bones.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest.



Okay, okay, so it's a slow start for me, but at least it's a start back into FLF. I missed it so. And for real this time, no more of this "waaaah, I can't do FLF anymore..waaah! I'm running out of things to say..boo hoo." Show of hands how many of you out there think I ever run out of shit to say?

Thank you.

Anyways, have a wonderful fantabulous weekend and hey! Today's the Madonna drawing, double up on the good vibes and stick your ass out into the air while you do my Madonna chant!!


****EDIT: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS! I WON!!!!!! THE ASS UP GOOD VIBE CHANTS WORKED!!! I'm so excited I can't even type!!!!!
MADONNA IN NEW YORK BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love everyone right now.... AHAHAHAHAAHAAA!!!!!