Friday, May 23, 2008

I'd Totally Strap It On For Tommy.

To My Darling Jean “Papaw” Claude,

Uh oh! Looks like someone had one too many Werther’s Originals! Lay off the Ensure papaw because you’re killing me with sexiness! Is anything hotter than an old grandpa laying out his shriveled third thumb and coin purses on the balcony? (the answer to that is NOTHING…as if you didn’t already know!) And then, just to add some more rowr to our tiger, you throw a high kick up in the air to show us you’re a flexible bottom your salt and pepper pubes! I can’t stand it! I’m surprised Tom Cruise didn’t climb that balcony and bite your hot geriatric ass. Although, I’m betting Tommy’s going to be paying a visit to that balcony later to smell the manly musk of Ben Gay (because you know that kick put his ass on the couch for a month), pomade and Metamucil sweat you rubbed all over it.

shoving your junk between wrought iron railings is a mating call for Thumbelina Tommy dontcha know???

All I know is I’m relieved that the old hip remained intact after your impressive display of desperation manliness. Ignore Tom, you should come over to my house sometime Jean; I’ll make you a hot bowl of Quaker’s oatmeal with a tall glass of prune juice and make sure your pacemaker is working just right.

I’m a romantic, what can I say?

With Love,

Yo Momma

To My Darling Katie,

My God, you look wonderful! And I don’t mean that in a “you look great for a 40 year old – oh wait, you’re only 27” sort of way. I mean you look great for someone who’s had a lobotomy and is currently being held hostage. (That Tom Cruise sure is a charmer). And look at you! You’re getting so good at looking down so that the real Mrs. Cruise can be the one that’s statuesque and gorgeous. They have wonderful trainers at Xenu Camp don’t they? You’re very generous. No really you are. I know he wouldn’t have married you unless you were willing to “strap it to tap it”(because vaginas. ew.) and share your heels with him. For all your hard work stroking the Scientology’s messiah (albeit while dressed like a young boy – I mean, that’s why you’re rocking the bowl haircut right? For realism?), he’s allowing you to be on Broadway! Congratulations! I guess by “allow” that means he’s found a mind control device that he can do remotely from his spaceship. (thank you T-Mobile!) So convenient and more independence for both of you!
You’re off to Broadway and he’s off to a bath house with no interruptions!
Win Win situation if you ask me.

And I have to apologize for insinuating that your wife is wearing heels to appear taller than you. Upon closer investigation, I just realized that Tommy is LEVITATING over you. All hail the power of Xenu. He is mighty indeed.

beeebooop. blurg,
Yo Momma

To My Darling Dustin Hoffman,

I don’t blame you brotha.
I. Don’t. Blame. You.

Did you touch them? They have healing powers you know.

Is it feeding time yet?

With Love,

Angie’s Bitch.

Okay, sorry, that last one was crass. I know you visit my blog purely for its wholesome good fun and that was uncalled for.
I’m sorry, really I am. But……Are her twins going to be well fed or WHAT?


But you know who I love more than Angelina? Crazy Tom Cruise. wait, let me rephrase..BATSHIT crazy Tom Cruise. I wish he would stop acting normal to get good press and just shoot fire out of his ass already. Seriously, if he turns into this:

I won't be able to control myself. Unfortunately, it looks like that's what Katie's hoping to morph into.

Have a great memorial day weekend everybody!!!


Tug said...

One of the BEST.EVER.FFF's, seriously. Crack my ass up.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go push my junk through the railing. oh wait. I don't have junk.


Immoral Matriarch said...

DON'T fuck. with. Jean. Claude.

I will cut you.

Yo Momma said...

tug: if you manage to find junk to shove into a railing, please take a picture. :)

immortal: I'm so not fucking with him so much as I'm offering him some geritol. ;p

Kim said...

It's too bad Katie is so fucked up now, because really, she's gorgeous. I'd kill for her body and hair. ;)

Yo Momma said...

kim: I know right? I see pictures of her pre-tom and post-tom and its like totally different people. I mean, she still looks beautiful now but doesn't she have that "lobotomized" look about her.
and her interviews go something like this..
"I love Tom"
"everything's great"
"I'm blessed"
"I'm SO in love with Tom."
"Have I mentioned I love tom?"

Shannon Bieger said...

LMAO at that Dustin Hoffman pic!!! And Tom levitating! Ha ha ha!

Oh speaking of while Erick and the girls were wrestling, McKenna yelled out "Hey! You kicked me in the junk!" Awesome. Can't wait for that to come out at preschool.

Anonymous said...

hey, man
jcvd is only 48. hardly qualifies for geriatric status. and he still has very young looking skin (look at the biceps, which on true grandpas like the governator and stallone have wrinkles and veins bigger than their junk standing out on them. on jcvd the biceps are still smooth-looking and dewy. they ARE!).

and, he can still crack walnuts with his butt-cheeks.

i wish he could act, but unfortunately he's just another pretty face with a bionic boo-tay. at least when he smiles, he looks truly happy rather than distracted because he's busy taking dictation from the mothership.