To My Darling Amy,
As discussed, here is my bill for services rendered:
Human Hair Accessory – flat fee of $600.00
Unfortunately, I had to add on some additional charges as certain unexpected work-related trauma/injuries have occurred from having to stand on your head for a couple hours to prop your hair up.
30 day rehab - $4000.00
* Due to your cracked laced sweat which emanated from your scalp and seeped into the pores of my feet as I stood inside your hair.
Ongoing treatment for Anosmia - $500 (a month for an undetermined amount of time)
* Due to breathing in your hair’s strong odor of chum, sour milk and vomit, my olfactory senses shut down for survival purposes and have not returned.
Bug Spray $40.00 ( I had to use two cans!)
* don’t tell me you don’t notice that shit crawling around in there. You knew this bill was coming.
Psychiatrist fees, $ dollar amount TBD.
*Since being mummified inside your hair, I have had chronic nightmares of Cousin It having his way with me – after he’s gone on a 3 day fishing trip with no shower.
I’m sure you can guess I’m not doing you anymore favors Amy! I initially did this because I felt bad for you. Lately, you’re looking like you’re at death’s door but clearly even death knows it wouldn’t have enough Febreeze in hell to get rid of the stench you would leave on its carpet. You'll be standing at death's door until they can figure out how to delouse your ass.
To My Darling Brooke,
You know it’s bad enough that you have two beef jerky parents who date toddlers and a brother who has a special throne in hell waiting just for him, but now your tampon has grown arms and legs! Wait? What? That’s your boyfriend?! I’m sorry, I’m a total idiot. Of course that’s not a tampon! To use a tampon you would actually need a vagina.
Oh Brookie, you’ve had a horrible year, if you want to date someone that looks to be the spawn of Axle Rose and Joe Dirt, then by all means do so. You deserve it. But please, let him be the pitcher once in a while. I can see that too much of your Hogan bat might cause him to inadvertently stain his lovely white denim pants.
To My Darling Katherine,
You’re so very sensitive to my feelings. It’s as if you knew I couldn’t stand the sight of your blow up doll face and you’re effectively ruining your career so I don’t have to stare at it anymore. Thank you so much but damn! You didn’t have to go all out! Acting like you’re talented is very bold, but dissing the Emmys and the writers of the show that pretty much made you famous!? You’re amazing! I think I might have to take back all that stuff I said about you working your oral skills on the casting couch to get where you are today. But I won’t, because after your little comment, I think you might have to get back to explaining to the casting directors why they should hire you. Although, I highly recommend that when you open your mouth, something should go in it and not OUT of it. You know, like the old days!
I can’t wait for next season when your character is fired, gets addicted to meth, opens up her own meth lab that explodes in her face which then sends her BACK to the hospital, only this time as an armless stub with one eyeball. (Gray’s writers are you taking notes??). And let’s not forget the straight to DVD sequel to Knocked Up: “Knocked Up II: This time, its interracial!”
Thanks Katherine for all your hard work.
Have a great weekend everybody and Happy Father’s day to all the daddies out there!!! Well...everyone except Jessica Simpson’s
"But Daddy I don't want to play horsey, something keeps poking me in the back!"
"That's suppose to be the bridle sweetie! Hold on tight!...and please, call me Joe."
He's so gross. Sorry, I think even I crossed the line with myself with that one. BLECH!