Friday, May 09, 2008

Dontcha' wish your toddler was hot like mine! .... Wait. What???

Dearest Makers of The Paris Hilton Doll,

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am that you’ve made this! I can only imagine all the little things this special doll can do and teach our children. Does it automatically give you herpes when you touch it? Do you have to buy the crabs separately or does it come with the skirt? Does it come with a free lifetime supply of Valtrex? Does it spread eagle after you give it just one compliment? If put next to a Barbie will it start a cat fight and call Barbie fat? If you buy the doll for your child, does it automatically report you to Child Protective Services??

ooh I’m so excited! Please brilliant doll company, you can’t just flaunt this Paris doll in my face and not brag about all its features because the possibilities are endless.

I can’t wait until you come out with an Amy Winehouse doll complete with it’s own Easy Bake meth lab.

With Love,

Yo Momma

Dearest Beyonce or Beyonce’s mom (because this has her tacky Lee Press on nail havin’ hand prints smeared all over it) :

I spoke too soon. I called the makers of the Paris doll “brilliant” right before I saw this GENIUS clothing line you have for children.

That’s right, I said it – GENIUS.
Genius because what’s better than a 4 year old in 6 inch stilettos at the sand box??? Um. How about nothing?? I can’t wait for the day my daughter turns 6 and schools me on how to wear eyeliner and fishnets properly. Nothing says future, successful woman than a toddler wearing knee high boots and a leopard skin clutch purse. What was I thinking with these Disney princess t-shirts, flower dresses and Dora light up shoes? That kind of stuff doesn’t get a pedophile’s preschool boy’s attention! Duh. How am I supposed to teach my daughter that her self worth is to be measured by how much attention you’re getting from boys if I’m not dressing her in the proper attire? Thank you House of Moron for teaching me how kids SHOULD be dressing. Cute is so last season. Sexy toddler is the new black! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?!?

That being said – I dare Beyonce to dress her future daughter in her “designer” children’s clothes and have Woody Allen baby sit.

ANNNDDD....if I see a mom walking around with her child dressed in this shit, please be forewarned that I will take my blog tag line to heart and slice a bitch before I grab your child and take her to the library. Thank you.

With disgust,

NOT Yo Momma. (thank god).

Dearest Tila Tequila:

A peek into the future.

Just sayin.’
Although please note, that I’m only talking about your physical likeness to her. You will never be as fabulous as Latoya. Please take note of her fierceness:

So much botox fierceness that she's starting to look like a cat even! Or is that just because her ears meet at the back of her head?
Whatever. She's awesome. Ms. Jackson if you crazy.

With Love,

Yo Momma.

Oy vey. First, thank god that Paris Hilton doll is only in Germany. What's wrong with Germany? First making David Hasselhoff a recording star and now this? Is this what cold weather and too much vodka Löwenbräu(got my stereotypes wrong..thanks Lizzle!) do to you?
Second, I really dislike Tila Tequila. Can you tell? It's hard enough to find more than a handful of well known Asians in Hollywood and it annoys the hell out of me that this twat stain is one of them.
Third, that Beyonce clothing line REALLY bothers me because I know there are stupids out there who will buy this crap for their children. It’s sad enough that there are stupids out there procreating, but the fact that there’s stupids out there with money, spreading stupid inane crap to other stupids who buy it,…and well…the world gets stupider along with their kids. The empty barrels in the world do indeed make the most noise and it’s unfortunate.

Apologies for the two and a half letters today– I had to hurry up that third letter because gots shits to do! I have to pack and get ready to go to Las Vegas this weekend! One of my best friends from college is getting married and viking hubby and I can’t wait to go. Also, due to unforeseen circumstances, viking hubby has to be an emergency fill in as one of the groomsmen. I think I’m more excited about that than the trip itself because he has to be in a SUIT. Holy jeebus, viking hubby in a suit is a rare rare treat for his midget wife. I’m going to be following him around like a midget groupie.

Have a great weekend everyone!


Tug said...

Wow. With clothes & dolls like that, no wonder the world's going to hell.


Have a blast in Vegas!

Lizzle said...

I'm betting that all the little girls in the House of Moron ad will have tramp stamps on their lower back by the time they turn 17... Yeah tattoos are illegal for those under 18, but they are 6 and walking around in heels that for some reason cost more than I make in a week despite being made of pleather. They'll find a way to make it happen.

Not to correct you, but as a person of German heritage, I feel the need to point out that while we do like vodka too, the German people are famous for quality engineering, poor taste in music, fattening foods, and BEER... The Russians have the market on the vodka stereotype.

(I'm also glad that I'm not the only one who looked at those pictures of LaToya and glimpsed into the future of Tila Tequila!)

Anonymous said...

I was offended by the Bratz dolls, but they're gonna start looking downright wholesome pretty soon.

Yo Momma said...

Lizzle: Russians of course! What would I do without you? Get my stereotypes wrong I guess! LOL!

Franki said...

Wow. A Paris Hilton blow up doll would've been much more appropriate.

I had to Google the Tequila girl. Lucy Liu, she ain't.

Thanks for visiting!