Friday, August 22, 2008

Give me a Heapin' Helpin of Tuna with a side of vitamin beer please!!

To my darling marketing campaign geniuses over at Stampede Beer,

I’m confused. I don’t know , maybe I should start drinking some of your beer to ‘smarten’ me up but I’m kind of scared of your product because I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say with Jessica Simpson as your spokesperson. Am I going to end up on the back of a truck full of hay, in cowboy tranny gear, with my mouth half open like a slow kid who breaths loud if I drink or don’t drink your beer? Please explain.

I know the mind automatically jumps to Jessica Simpson when the word “smart” is involved, I mean who could forget the deep philosophical discussions she had about chicken or tuna? Or unearthing the secret of the ages on national television? (buffalo wings is actually CHICKEN? Thank you Jessica, you MENSA card carrying member you…). But her whole “village idiot trying to do simple math” look with the word ‘SMART’ written in front of her sends confusing messages about your beer.

Next time might I suggest using the tried and true selling point of Jessica Simpson? (I’ll give you a hint; they’re under her shirt and if you’re still stumped, go ask Papa Joe - he’s handled her money makers before). Or maybe I’ll be really smart and just not drink your beer ‘with vitamins.’ Which is pretty much like a triple layer cake with sugar free icing. Your tag line should really read:
"What swelled liver? You’re getting your daily dose of vitamin C and B12 with each can! Drink it up Mr. Athlete!”

With Love,
Yo Momma.

To My Darling Lindsey,

So you supposedly like WOMEN right? You’re openly attracted to WOMEN? You’re down with heapin' helpins' of tuna? Okay, I can respect that. My question to you is, if you’re attracted to WOMEN, why did we decide to date a 12 year old anorexic boy that looks like he got into a fight with a box of Nice & Easy? Hmm? An explanation is needed young lady. You’re a slightly attractive girl who makes good money, couldn’t we have dated someone who looks a little less like a prepubescent grocery bagger with sticky sacks and more like someone who actually showers and has a Virginia?

On the positive side, it looks like your girlfriend could take a mean hit off a giant bong, re-chain a BMX bike and hammer up some drywall - all in one day. So who knows, maybe you like how flat twink asses look in a pair of Dickies and a tool belt. Or maybe it just goes to show that whether it be men or women, your judgment is clearly impaired when you snort enough coke to kill a "women's" softball team.

Next time, leave lesbian dating to the experts!

High Five Ellen!

With love,
Yo Momma

Dear John Mayer,

Is it your 1980’s workout pants? Is it the constant yammering you do on and off the stage? Is it the painful diarrhea face that you get when you sing? (click on that link and tell me that's not your new desktop wallpaper!) I don't know what it is but it seems as if every time I see you, I get the feeling that if I stick your head up my nay nay and squeeze hard, I would get “Spring Flower Fresh” scented vinegar water to squirt out your ears and give me that oh so fresh feeling.

And why do I get the urge to do that when I see you?…. or Shia Lebouf?…. Or Justin Timberlake?….Or Spencer Pratt? …or Katherine Heigle?????

It’s a disturbing thought, but I think I’m not alone in feeling that most celebrities are about as useful as vaginal irrigation devices.

With love,
Yo “oh so fresh” Momma.

Otay ya'll, I'm off to Mizzery, Moosorry, Mizzo tomorrow for a whooole week to visit some family and take a well deserved vacation in a cabin...on a remote area of the wilderness.......with no internet....who's nearest neighbor is probably someone named 'stabby Joe' (thanks Shannon)....
City girls with big imagination + sleeping in remote wilderness = screeching at every owl that 'hoots' in my direction and mistaking every tree as a one-eyed hillbilly cannibal.

Maybe this won't be such a relaxing trip after all.
Wish me luck as I go off on my own midget Blair Witch Project. Pictures and made up horror stories coming soon! Stay Tuned!


Bluestreak said...

Re Jessica: that advertisement is the lamest attempt at irony I´ve ever seen in my life.

"looks like your girlfriend could take a mean hit off a giant bong, re-chain a BMX bike and hammer up some drywall - all in one day". This sentence has me in tears laughing. Thanks.

Have fun in the wilderness, watch out for perverts with chainsaws.

Tug said...

EXCELLENT FLF...they should all just go to an island of their own, & take Paris & Brit along. please. I'll pay the way.

Enjoy your vaca!

Immoral Matriarch said...

I'm very upset.
I ♥ John Mayer.

Elaine said...

immoral: I like john mayer too..but only when he sings. ;)