It's the ugly sister of Fan Letter Friday...Fan Letter Tuesday, please ignore her wonky eye and fried chicken smell.
To my darling Jamie Lynn Spears,
Well crack open a Pabst and gimme a dirty diaphragm! You done squeezed a baby from your little kiwi girl! Congratulations! Is there such a thing as pork rind confetti because if there isn't, it should be invented right now! Paper confetti just isn't going to cut it for this celebration! Being a teenage mother is the BEST because the Magna Doodle you used to play with are still within reach and ready to pass on to the next generation! Just think, 7 years ago, you were only 10 years old PLAYING with fake babies, and now look at you! My my, time flies just about as fast as your legs opened doesn't it? Just to be clear, I'm not judging you. I can't really expect a member of the Spears clan to possibly know about things like condoms (its this rubbery thing that goes over a guy's penis...not ketchup..or mustard...or bacon grease), the pill (preferably ones that don't have SMARTIES written on the package), diaphragms (its like a trampoline for sperm!), IUDS and Depo Prove....oh never mind, I'm sure the initial shock that the stork doesn't exist is still fresh in your head.
Speaking of your head, I am truly in love with that fabulous, premature graying, Barbara Mandrell, Nice & Easy, sexy senior silver streaks that you're sporting on the cover of Ok! It momentarily took my thoughts away from the future of that child you're holding (it involved Wal-Mart, a baby bottle filled with diet Coke and not a car seat in sight..) and reminded me that I have to go out and buy you a moo moo.
Do those come in junior sizes? I'll make sure it matches your Bratz diary.
Anyways, Yeeha girl. Yeeeeeehawwwww!!!
To my darling Joey Lawrence's wife,
Are times that tough that you two have to share clothing? Not that I don't think Joey's breasts don't look fabulous in your burgundy shirt with that plunging neck line and those jeans - giiirrrl, where did you find them? Because it makes his ass look small and firm - it's exactly what
But I guess since dancing with the stars is over and Mario Lopez is officially the king of the overly muscled, overly manicured metro douche town, I can see why Joey and you have to share clothes. Times are tough. Has he thought about working the men's bathroom stalls in West Hollywood? I hear they love a good "tap dancer" wearing white flip flops, sporting a clean shaven
Oh shit the phone's ringing already... hold on.........um, please tell your husband that Mrs. Tommy Cruise would like to see Joey in his office immediately. The "alien radar" (conveniently located in Tommy's pants) alerted him that Joey has been infiltrated with corrupt alien spirits and that he must perform an alien probe with his Scientology blessed high heels (Tommy peed on them) immediately!!!
Wow. This is serious. Tell him to glitter up those boobies, it's going to be a long night....
To my Darlings Holly and Kendra,
I don't know whether or not to believe the rumors that you're not getting along, that Kendra really hates Holly's guts, that you two don't even speak in real life, that Kendra was made to be Hef's girlfriend just for ratings,(shocking!), that Holly can't stand Kendra's endorsement deals, or that you two are in a contest to see who can finish Cat In The Hat first, blah blah blah, etcetera, etcetera. And while it disturbs me to the very core that two classy and elegant women like yourselves can't get along...I can't help but think to myself...
You two suck old man peen.
Doesn't that fact right there make everything else irrelevant???
"Oh what a cute outfit Kendra has!" (She sucks old man peen)
"Holly is so well spoken!(for a girl who sucks old man peen)
"Aren't they lucky that they get to live such a lavish lifestyle!(because they suck old man peen?)
And Hef's not just old like, slightly graying, Harrison Ford-esque old. Old as in that bitch was friends with the Pharaoh. Old as in he was the foreman for a little known construction project called the Pyramids. He totally got Jesus drunk on his own wine and hired a hooker to deflower Moses when he was still in high school OLD. Old as in his peen rolls out like a papyrus scroll old. Old as in his balls probably shoot out sperm fossils.
So ladies, please don't fight because really, no one can see past the whole senior citizen suck down that got you ladies where you are today = old peen suckers! YAY! Success! Accomplishment! and most of all DIGNITY!