To My Darling Pam,
Thank you Pam – I’ve always wanted to know what a moose knuckle would look like if someone bedazzled it. I don’t know what’s more disturbing, me having odd thoughts about front wedgies or seeing your snatch having a light lunch with your leotard. I vote the latter but it was a pretty close race. After seeing this picture and peeling my eyeballs from the back of my skull, another thought occurred to me. How are you going to take this thing off dear Pam?What with the Kid Rock and Tommy Lee residue you’ve accumulated over the years leaving your body permanently sticky and smelling like beer soaked cigarette butts, I really hope you had an extra hand available to help you pry open your vagijaws to get it out – I’m sure it was a lot like pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich.
And on that note, I’m going to gargle out the vomit from my mouth and scrub my eyeballs raw. TTYL!
To My Darling Jennifer,
Okay, okay, I get it. You have a new movie coming out. If I promise to go see it, will you please stop parading around with ‘he who sings with runny ca ca face?’ (It’s his Indian name). You might also want to tell him that during these stage photo ops, he should try and look like he’s happy to be with you, not like he’s about to be led to his own execution. Now, normally I try not to see movies with you as the leading role, because all the yawning gives me lockjaw. (EXCEPT Along Came Polly. High five on that one) – but I’m afraid all this shameless promotion will escalate to yet even more staged photo ops with your man-child - only this time you'll be dry humping his leg like a Chihuahua.
So YES! I will go see your movie!! There! Satisfied? Now can you please go back inside the house and tend to your Brangelina shrine? I know you’re day just isn’t complete without putting yet another pin in your Angelina Jolie doll and coating your Brad Pitt poster with fresh tears.
To My Darling Pete,
Here’s a list of things I would rather do than hear you talk to Howard Stern about how much you heart
1. Watch Carrot Top work out in thong.
2. Listen to Kevin Federline’s ‘Popozao” song on a loop for 24 hours.
3. Handle Pamela Anderson’s used leotards and eat a sandwich immediately afterwards.
4. Make sweet sweet love to Star Jones. (Okay, I dry heaved while typing that.)
5. Touch Paris Hilton without a hazmat suit
6. Pop Danny Bonaduce’s steroid induced back pimples.
7. Listen to Poppa Joe Simpson inappropriately talk about his daughter Jessica Simpson’s breasts while he has his hands shoved deep into his pockets ‘looking for change.’
8. Look at Joan Van Ark’s picture before I go to bed.
(that link is not for the faint of heart)
9. Get my eyebrows plucked by this hot bitch:
10. ..AND a bikini wax.
Seriously Pete, I'm quite positive the only ‘sex life’ you have with Ashley Simpson was when she rear ended you with your flat iron because your three speed, hands free dild ran out of batteries -or when you and Papa Joe Simpson play ‘hide the gerbil.”
Stop fronting. You, my friend, are no Tom Cruise. At least Tom Cruise has the decency to make his wife look like a little boy.
I know, can you believe it?!?! In between the Christmas shopping madness and the munchkin's birthday party, I managed to put together a semi-decent FLF for you guys! I'm a little rusty and for that I am sorry, but I figured I owed you guys something since I've been pretty much MIA on this blog for almost a week now.
Just don't start expecting it on a regular basis just yet - well unless Pamela Anderson keeps wearing things that make her crotch look like a stale stack of pancakes -then expect a post every other day.