Friday, April 18, 2008

Smells like lesbians, trolls and post op can only mean one thing. Fan Letter Fridays IS BACK!!! (for GOOD).

To my darlings, Ashley and Peter,

While all the celeb blogs are speculating whether or not you guys are with child, none of them are asking the REAL question.

How did two power lesbians like you possibly get pregnant?

And journalists seem to be slacking these days because I scoured every news report about both of you and yet, I still don’t know which of you lovely ladies is pregnant! I guess everyone assumes it’s Ashley but quite frankly, Pete has the better birthing hips and I always thought the fem lesbian was the one that got inseminated? Or wait…can you get pregnant from your boyfriend sleeping with other dudes?!? Holy cow, all my beliefs are being tested on this one. Realistically though, I guess it would be easy to get your hands on some baby batter. All you’d have to do is turn good ol’ Pete around and see what kind of strapping young man juice is brewing around in his backyard. He’s got quite a collection I’m sure, pretty as he is.

You know, I’m really surprised Papa Joe hasn’t signed you two on a reality show to try and break up the relationship. We all know how ugly it can be when you try and mess with one of Papa Joe’s girlfriends daughters. But I guess Papa Joe was more sexually attracted protective of his first born because it seems like he actually supports your union. Who knew Papa Joe would be a fan of gay couples? I guess he’s just happy to finally be able to impregnate one of his daughters and use a gay man to cover it up see one of his daughters in a happy relationship.

I’ll wrap this up by saying congratulations? I’ll be sending over a basket of waterproof eyeliner, because going through labor is hard, the last thing Pete needs is for his eyeliner to smear while he’s pushing. And hopefully Pete’s vagina is up to the task because that Leno-ish chin that Simpson is sporting looks like it’ll be a 6 stitcher kind of tear.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest.

To my Darling Olson, (I have no idea which Olsen this is),

I. LOVE. YOU. Its like you knew I was starting Fan Letter Friday again and you stepped up to the plate to give me some FLF fodder. Thank you rich Olsen troll for thinking of me. Now let’s get down to business….

Honestly, this kind of outfit only makes me envy your rich bony ass a little bit more. Putting a bicycle tire on your head and wearing a hand me down from Mrs. Roper and convincing people that it’s FASHAWN! is something only wealthy Gollum like creatures can do. Although, I guess if you haven’t eaten since 1993, you could totally put together an outfit like this from sheer delirium. So I’m really not hatin’ on this Olsen..(MK?), because if I wiped my ass with five hundred dollar bills and considered a carrot as a year’s worth of food, I would totally walk around wearing a beef jerky blouse, (spicy not the teriyaki kind), a skirt made of used diaphragms and condoms, a shrunken head necklace and a Dora The Explorer cereal bowl as a hat.

Oh who am I kidding?
I wore that shit last week.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest.

To my darlings, Heidi and Spencer,

No really, carrying a grown woman on your shoulders wearing bright lemon colored pants with heels at the park is TOTALLY normal. Yes, it’s what all couples do, so no worries. Those photos appear very candid indeed. In fact, just the other day I asked viking hubby to carry me on his shoulders while I was wearing my rhinestone covered chaps and then I asked him to buy me a pack of garbage pail kids from the ice cream man.

Um…I have no idea where that line of thought was going, wishful thinking perhaps?…Can someone go on ebay and type out “rhinestone chaps?” Let me know. And does anyone know if the ice cream man still sells garbage pail kids with that dried up sugary gum that loses its flavor as soon as any type of saliva hit it? I miss those.

Okay digressing, back to douche and the post op transsexual…..

Besides being Alive with Pleasure!!! And clearly being the most authentic couple on planet earth who look like they love them some Mentos, I have no issues with either of you. I’m simply writing to tell you to step away from that poor horse. Clearly its troubled by the fact that he resembles Heidi. How can you not see it? Poor horse, for a minute he thought he had a love child. Oh and Spencer, can you please give that carrot back to Mary Kate? A girl’s gotta eat!... or filter feed or whatever it is she does to sustain life in those bones.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest.

Okay, okay, so it's a slow start for me, but at least it's a start back into FLF. I missed it so. And for real this time, no more of this "waaaah, I can't do FLF anymore..waaah! I'm running out of things to hoo." Show of hands how many of you out there think I ever run out of shit to say?

Thank you.

Anyways, have a wonderful fantabulous weekend and hey! Today's the Madonna drawing, double up on the good vibes and stick your ass out into the air while you do my Madonna chant!!

****EDIT: HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS! I WON!!!!!! THE ASS UP GOOD VIBE CHANTS WORKED!!! I'm so excited I can't even type!!!!!
MADONNA IN NEW YORK BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love everyone right now.... AHAHAHAHAAHAAA!!!!!


Samantha said...

ROFL!!!! LOVED IT!!!!!!!!

Have a great weekend!

Tug said...

OMG I missed FLF!! YAY, it's back, my life (pathetic as it is) can go on. *bow to you*

The Olsen 'thing'? eww. BUT, word on the street (or internet as it may be) is that Papa Joe tried to get Ashley to do a show looking for a boyfriend - RIGHT.BEFORE the engagement. 'Cause without homoRomo with Jess, he doesn't get football tickets ya' know.

The Immoral Matriarch said...

I love Pete. You've hurt my heart.

*walks off singing 'Beat It'*

Joseph said...

You see what happens when you put your special Light out into the world? Life is a Mystery, girl. Everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home.

J. said...

I missed FLF!!! Yay!
You crack me up girl.

Tug said...

I can't believe I didn't get the UPDATE! HOLYHELL GIRL - YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NYC will never be the same, and that? Is good. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

How did I miss this masterpiece?

Yay! MADONNA will get to meet the hotness of the midge!!!!! Yay!