To My Darling Jenna,
Congratulations! If rumors are true, you and your 8 pound water head boyfriend are with child! I can’t tell you how
So brava for his amazing swimmers, who probably just head butted their way to your calloused uterus, kicked the tumbleweeds out of the way and buttered up to your unsuspecting eggs, who have long given up on being found and unfortunately let themselves go:
I’m putting together a nice congratulatory basket for you, so look out for that in the mail. It comes complete with underwear made completely out of rubber bands, (too keep the baby from falling out when you’re 4 months along– the rubber bands will bounce him/her right back up in there until month 9. Clever!) along with a snorkel for the doctor for your check ups and for when he delivers the baby. The day when you’re 40 centimeters dilated and he walks out of there holding your baby is going to be the happiest day of your life!
To My Darling Matthew McConaughey,
You know, normally, b.o. slash patchouli smelling, vegan hippies who hang out at coffee shops in O.C. (you know, like really hippies do..) are just fun to point at, laugh and eat hamburgers in front of with your mouth open. (oh God, I can hear PETA rustling around in my backyard already after that comment). But with you, it’s different, little things like your
That baby is so lucky to have a father who has
God bless you Mr. McConaughey.
Now take your shirt off and pass the dutchie on the left hand side.
To My Darling Audrina,
If you’re not smart enough to get out of douche infested waters, I don’t even know why I’m bothering to write you this letter since it’s clear that you haven’t read anything since that novel about ‘dick’ and ‘jane’ – and no, having your assistant read US Magazine to you does not count.
But here I am, always the humanitarian, warning you about the effects of overexposure to 100% pure Los Angeles vaginal irrigations tools– which you seem to have boiled yourself in judging from that picture. You fool!! How did you not see it? TWO Fedora hats within bitch slapping range? The guy with the pink Captain and Tenille hat in the back (I kind of want him), fledging future man boobies, soft hands and MANicures as far as the eye can see?? (To make it a real 100 percent tool is a guy who is actually from somewhere else but Los Angeles. – which I'm positive is about 95 percent of the soft meat in that pool.)
So don’t be surprised if you wake up suddenly idolizing Dane Cook, have an urge to buy white rimmed sunglasses, wear an“Ed Hardy” trucker hat sideways (because what says hardworking, dirty trucker like a $100 dollar Ed Hardy hat, I ask of you???) and have an aching in your mangina for a frozen yogurt at PinkBerry – it probably means you swallowed a little of that pool water but not to worry, much like their erections, it’ll wear off in a couple of minutes.
And finally, at tribute to America!
America Ferrera that is, who, with a couple of facial expressions and no words, said what we all feel about Hollywood and brainless idiots like Blake Lively who think 'acting' in Gossip Girl (with its Shakespearean like plots) is an art form worthy of respect. If looks of disgust could kill, Blake Lively would have had a giant, gaping wound in the middle of her head. (we can only wish)
Please watch closely, the magic of America:
P.s. also, let me remind you that tomorrow is Midget Appreciation day! (um, my Amazon wish list is conveniently located on the side bar of this blog *cough cough!*)
That's one more notch on my belt age wise! and height wise, well, that remains at the 6th grade notch. Figures.
I LOVE AMERICA!!!!!!