Monday, August 11, 2008

I Hate To Tell You This, But You're Easy Like Sunday Morning. Sorry.

So console yourself and your whorish ways with a little FLM!!!! (Fan Letter Monday because that's how I roll).

To My Darling Jenna,

Congratulations! If rumors are true, you and your 8 pound water head boyfriend are with child! I can’t tell you how terrified happy I am for both of you! His sperm must have GPS navigation built in to avoid all the obstacles it encountered, as I’m sure there’s a few men from 1983, an old futon and my friend Elisa (where is that girl?) wandering around lost in the universal manhole that is your Virginia.

So brava for his amazing swimmers, who probably just head butted their way to your calloused uterus, kicked the tumbleweeds out of the way and buttered up to your unsuspecting eggs, who have long given up on being found and unfortunately let themselves go:

I’m putting together a nice congratulatory basket for you, so look out for that in the mail. It comes complete with underwear made completely out of rubber bands, (too keep the baby from falling out when you’re 4 months along– the rubber bands will bounce him/her right back up in there until month 9. Clever!) along with a snorkel for the doctor for your check ups and for when he delivers the baby. The day when you’re 40 centimeters dilated and he walks out of there holding your baby is going to be the happiest day of your life!

With Love,

Yo Momma.

To My Darling Matthew McConaughey,

You know, normally, b.o. slash patchouli smelling, vegan hippies who hang out at coffee shops in O.C. (you know, like really hippies do..) are just fun to point at, laugh and eat hamburgers in front of with your mouth open. (oh God, I can hear PETA rustling around in my backyard already after that comment). But with you, it’s different, little things like your ABS! penchant to play bongos naked, your ABS! description of the birth experience as “getting tribal on it” and YOUR FANTABULOUS ABS! wanting to plant a tree with the placenta and not actually being a vegan (I just got shot with a soy paintball) makes me love you oh so much more.
That baby is so lucky to have a father who has ABS! such a great stash of some sweet ass pot positive outlook on life.

God bless you Mr. McConaughey.

Now take your shirt off and pass the dutchie on the left hand side.

With Love,

Yo Momma.

To My Darling Audrina,

If you’re not smart enough to get out of douche infested waters, I don’t even know why I’m bothering to write you this letter since it’s clear that you haven’t read anything since that novel about ‘dick’ and ‘jane’ – and no, having your assistant read US Magazine to you does not count.

But here I am, always the humanitarian, warning you about the effects of overexposure to 100% pure Los Angeles vaginal irrigations tools– which you seem to have boiled yourself in judging from that picture. You fool!! How did you not see it? TWO Fedora hats within bitch slapping range? The guy with the pink Captain and Tenille hat in the back (I kind of want him), fledging future man boobies, soft hands and MANicures as far as the eye can see?? (To make it a real 100 percent tool is a guy who is actually from somewhere else but Los Angeles. – which I'm positive is about 95 percent of the soft meat in that pool.)

So don’t be surprised if you wake up suddenly idolizing Dane Cook, have an urge to buy white rimmed sunglasses, wear an“Ed Hardy” trucker hat sideways (because what says hardworking, dirty trucker like a $100 dollar Ed Hardy hat, I ask of you???) and have an aching in your mangina for a frozen yogurt at PinkBerry – it probably means you swallowed a little of that pool water but not to worry, much like their erections, it’ll wear off in a couple of minutes.

With Love,

Yo Momma.

And finally, at tribute to America!
America Ferrera that is, who, with a couple of facial expressions and no words, said what we all feel about Hollywood and brainless idiots like Blake Lively who think 'acting' in Gossip Girl (with its Shakespearean like plots) is an art form worthy of respect. If looks of disgust could kill, Blake Lively would have had a giant, gaping wound in the middle of her head. (we can only wish)

Please watch closely, the magic of America:
P.s. also, let me remind you that tomorrow is Midget Appreciation day! (um, my Amazon wish list is conveniently located on the side bar of this blog *cough cough!*)
That's one more notch on my belt age wise! and height wise, well, that remains at the 6th grade notch. Figures.



Immoral Matriarch said...

Pass da dutchie to the da left hand side..Ahhh you took me back.

Caroline said...

Okay, you got me. I have NO idea what that dutchie comment means ... am I unaware of a new code for kind bud? And the letter about Matthew McConaughabs? Priceless!

Tug said...

I don't know how you do it girl, picking only the elite for the FNM/F's...awesome.

HAPPY HAPPY MIDGETDAY TO YOU (a few hours early 'cause I'm lazy like that)!!!!!!!!

Elaine said...

caroline: It's from a song, google it and I'm sure you'll remember what song I'm talking about. and in stoner speak it means puff puff and pass it on to the next stoner.....on the left hand side, because you know, stoners are organized that way.

SHADOW said...

"So brava for his amazing swimmers, who probably just head butted their way to your calloused uterus, kicked the tumbleweeds out of the way and buttered up to your unsuspecting eggs, who have long given up on being found and unfortunately let themselves go..."

Seriously, where do you come up with this stuff? I don't even think I have a fraction of your vocabulary and wit skills to come up with this sheer brilliance! I bet you can fart Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, right?

Elaine said...

tug: thank you!!! :)

shadow: oh. my. god.
How did you know????? hahaha!

HardlyOrdinary said...

I luv it! They all are dumasses! Who plants their babies' placenta in a grove of fruit trees? I will skip those apples lol! And Audrina is a dumb beyotch and yes I did notice how every schmuck in the background had a gay ass hat on! Murrrr! The pink one is the best!