Friday, June 27, 2008

FLF: Sexy Like Warm Milk With A Pube In It.

To my darling Mrs. Stewart:

Can I just tell you what a wonderful wife you are? No really, I’m going to give credit where credit it due. I’ve always thought that Rod Stewart was about as sexy as warm milk with a pube hair floating in it, but if the great grandfather of all metrosexuals (an all pink ensemble? Really?) gets you a lactatin’ then go you! I’m sure you already change his diapers on a daily basis, why not give him a feeding while he’s waiting for the Viagra to kick in? You are just doing your duties as a gold digger, a care giver, Mrs. Stewart and for that I applaud you.
I hope Rod knows how hard it is to find a woman who is willing to breastfeed the elderly AND not mind smelling like old man spittle and Ben Gay 24 hours a day. You really are quite a catch.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest

To my darling Mini me,

I just wanted to let you know that I’m not going to freak out about your recent *leaked* sex tape. So what if you’re the size of my big toe? Big toes need some sexy times too right? And props to the girl that kind of looks like Jeff Goldblum's offspring when he got stuck in Appalachia and went looking for some strange.
If you’re hittin’ that right, then high five Mini Me! But speaking of hittin’ it, how do you fu ??? I mean, can you get your leg like…up…like…??? Uh….how does your pen…? Um..where do you get the leverage to even…???? Is your arm ….??? Like is that what you use instead of …???? Do guys just do ora …?? I wonder if it looks like she’s giving bir…???

No! Never mind! I don’t want to know!

Yes I do!
No I don’t!
No NO! I don’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh God, I think I need some therapy or electroshocks to forget I ever had this disturbing train of thought.

If you ever wondered what your lawn gnome would look like if he made out with someone, watch this and then please go get some help.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest

To My Darling Matthew,

While most people can tell its summertime by the sun in the sky and the smell of flowers in the air, I can usually tell its summertime when your shirt comes off and the smell of bong water and Matthew B.O. (smells like mint and sexy in case you’re wondering) waft across my nostrils. I take a deep breath and take comfort in knowing that T-shirts will be nonexistent in your life for three whole months.

So it came as a shock and surprise to me when I saw this picture:

Um? Is that a piece of fabric covering your body??? I did not get the memo nor did I give you permission to put on a shirt. It clearly states in our “McConaughey Secretly Loves The Midge And Will Do Her Every Bidding” agreement that:

A. Thou shalt manscape.
B. Thou shalt spontaneously flex even ESPECIALLY when the situation does not call for it.
C. Thou shalt giveth the midget private bongo lessons once a month sans loin cloth.
D. Thou shalt work out at inappropriate places and do push ups on every available flat surface, including the Olsen twin's chests.

But the last and the most important rule:

E. Nay shall a piece of clothing touch thine upper extremities when out in public for 3 months or if the weather remains aboveth 20 degrees-eth.
(his nips get all hard at about 23 degrees so you know, a shirt would just ruin it.)

I guess maybe you wore that shirt so that weight thingy you have on doesn’t scratch your pweety wittle (big) chest while you’re running and I can excuse that, however, next time, please call and run this by me. I could have easily been strapped on to your bare chest while you ran with no fear of getting any kind of nick or scratch…although taking me off would be a whole different story. (can you saw jaws of life?)....but whatever, I'd be face first in your chest you'd get a good work out and that's what matters.

With Love,

Yo Momma Dearest
(in case you hadn't already noticed I LOVE CROSSING OUT SHIT when I write these letters..I abuse it, I'm sorry.)

I KNOW! I KNOW! That last one was LAME but today's FLF post was full of disturbing images of grandpas having breast milk shakes and a lawn ornament having sexy times, so I had to give your eyeballs (and gag reflex) a break. Plus it IS summer and that means I HAVE to post shirtless McConaughey pictures at least every other FLF post or I get all jittery and anxious. Then I start to feel old age creeping up from behind me and.....oh wait, it was just Rod Stewart.

Get away Papaw! It’s not feeding time yet!

Oh God, I’m just full of corn and not enough alcoholic beverages today. My apologies.

Have a great weekend everybody!


Joseph said...

Sweetie...... Darling...... That... Was.... Not.... Pleasant..................

Ice said...

MmmMmmMmMMmm Matthew.

Immoral Matriarch said...

Oh God. Vern. No.

Kristi said...

Again with the sex tapes? But honestly, this doesn't surprise me. Remember on the Surreal Life, when Mini Me got so drunk that he walked around nekked and peed himself? I wish I didn't.

Not the classiest fella around.

Tug said...

I really think Grandpa Rod needs to leave the golddigger and hit Mimi Me up...

and no, I will NOT watch.

(going to scrub my brain with brillo pads & bleach now, thankyouverymuch)

Elaine said...

my apologies to everyone for the mini me but I just couldn't resist...
and kristi yes...remember BEFORE he peed himself, he was like dry humping the pillow in front of adrian..he was all "meh meh...." in that scary drunk toddler voice of his.....

CP said...

That sex tape made me want to vomit on my Manolo's.

Did you hear Madonna is getting divorced??? You have your chance to marry her now! Slip into her life, Midge! Now's your chance!


Caroline said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for a fab FLF... I just got back from dance recital dress rehearsal ... three hours of sitting around to watch my kid do two minutes of not much! I needed a laff...

wallycrawler said...

Mini Me's hog isn't that impressive!

Shit, he's got noth'n on my Mini-Me!

webmiztris said...

i cannot bring myself to press play on that clip..."would it look like she was giving birth?" omg, I'm rolling here! lol lol lol

SHADOW said...

That 1st letter... Rod Stewart..