Monday, November 24, 2008

My Mood Swing Is Equipped With A Baby Seat.

You know, I can keep a poorly written post up for weeks on end, I post cheesy youtube vids up just because I'm lazy, I even post half-assed FLFs (yeah remember those?) just to say I did it but I cannot for the life of me leave a whiny, wah wah baby post up for long.

So forget the last post. Yes, I'm still sad that we might have to move and thank you everyone who posted comments - seriously, it really did make me feel better about the whole situation. I can get quite dramatic and over the top when the waterworks start coming in so it's nice to have people reel me back into the reality of the situation. (along with the bright side) And hey - as of now I'm still in Cali. and I'm going to be thankful because...oh that's right, in a couple days it's THANKSGIVING! And no matter what happens in the future, this year, I'm celebrating in shorts and flip flops and just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason.
So this is me with a straw, sucking it the fuck up.

Ooh brain freeze. I also thank, this kid because you just can't stay sad after watching that.

Moving right along..let's have a peek at the Hollywood freakshow shall we?
(see? This isn't even a half-assed FLF, this is a 3/4 buttcheek FLF!)

So when two vapid idiots have a baby, does a black whole swallow up the parents to prevent them from passing their idiocy on to their child? Unfortunately, no. Last time I checked, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are still polluting the atmosphere with their overinflated sense of self worth and pock marked genitals. But I'm not talking about that crusty couple, I'm talking about Peter Wentz and Asslee Simpson's new bundle of joy; Bronx Mogli Wentz.

Let that name sink in a little bit. Then hope this child gets a free car from the BMW for advertising their initials for the rest of his life. Plus, when other boys go out and play catch with their fathers, this poor kid is going to go on mani-pedi outings with his dad. I'm sure Peter can't wait to pass on his straight iron to his little man. If anyone deserves a BMW, it's this poor child.
Do you think they take turns breast feeding?

Anyways, mark this date on your calendar. The day the midget kind of, sort of, talks smack about the Queen. First of all - girrrl, between me and you, drop the A-Tard. Please. Go have your fling and then pat his ass gently out the door. No overnight stays, no kissing on the lips, and from the looks of him, no talking. Just a fling girl, then fling him out the window. I don't approve of this affair on so many levels, but mostly because he always looks like he's huffed a few too many computer cleaners. There's a Mary Jo Buttafuco thing going on with his face that just doesn't sit well with me. And I'm betting all my circus peanuts and diet Dr. Pepper that he's an open mouth breather. Second, this dress.

The only way this dress will ever be okay is if I can smoke it off you baby.
Or if you were just being festive....
Because if that's the case, then I'll be more than happy to check out the presents under that tree. BazzZING! (I love the mother of all cougars okay. Don't judge me.) I still heart you Ms. Ciccone. Marry me, adopt me, or kidnap me so I don't have to live in Missouri. Amen.

This year's sexiest man alive was Hugh Jackman, which was a HUGE improvement from last year's pick, Matt Damon. Matt Damon gets me about as hot as a bowl of Grapenuts.
So good pick People magazine because I definitely agree. He is fwine...

Sexiest man this year? I agree!!
I agree again,and again, and one again for every ab muscle...

Phew! Gettin' hot up in here with those fine ass pictures. I think I'm going to need a bowl of Grape Nuts to cool down a little...or get a picture of Matt Damon - same thing.
Although, on a side note, I have a feeling Mr. Jackman might not be opposed to having a little tickle pickle party with Mrs. Tom Cruise. If you get what I'm Clay Aiken sayin....

Sing it girl!!

Another reason I'm cheering up so fast is I get to relive my pre-pubey tweeny days of awkwardness with my friend Jenessa because The Block is in town baby! As in not so new kids.
Although, you know with my budget, our seats will be in the cheapy sections so high up that I'm positive we'll need to hire a sherpa just to get up there.

(The cheapy tickets are like 40 bucks I think and the sad thing is I sold something on ebay just to get some extra cash for this. - thank you random stranger who FINALLY bought my PX90 dvds after I posted it for several weeks.)

So what to do in such drastic measures? Act like a fool of course and throw all dignity out the window. (Thank goodness I lost my shiny box of dignity about three Madonna concerts ago). I'm going to beg for better tickets via a sign, a handful of kazoos and some brilliant kazoo playing on my part. I'm pretty sure once the New Kids get word that an awesome albeit freakishly short chick is out front playing nkotb songs via a kazoo they'll throw the backstage doors wide open for us with front row tickets in hand right?
Right? For sure right??

You think I'm joking but really you'll be there...

Video coming soon! (it won't be a five hour vid this time I promise)


Immoral Matriarch said...

I got distracted by abs. What else did you say?

Ice said...

Dear God, I miss you!

yep, Ice = bad blogger lately...

...fuckin' kids! pfft.

Beth said...

I would have harped on Madonna about the man choice and the dress choice, but feared that you would slap me silly.

What has the world come to?

Cynnie said...

I was reading your fan letters to cheer up..
today my credit went in the shitter..
yay me !

I'd even take missouri right about now

Bluestreak said...

sounds like you´re back in biz, girl.

Funny ass post.

Franki said...

bowl of grapenuts or picture of matt damon.

you just kill me.

Tug said...

YES, I want to see the vid of you at NKOTB. LOL, love it!

A-Rod? blecha.

Absman? nummers...

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Cynnie said...

omg!!..I sold MY px90 dvds!
I sold them on amazon..I'm so happy , cause they made me feel sooo guilty ..

hey !..the verithingy is relic!

thats a sign from god