I'm here you guys and I'm having kind of a poopy Monday so if you're in a good mood, read my blog later. I'm about to vent and you guys have to take the brunt of it.
So suffice it to say that this has been one of the most dismal years we've ever had financially. I've made a slight mention of this before on my blog and really, I think a majority of the people are in the same boat as I am. It's not like we were rolling in money before however we've never had to depend on our bank's bounce protection just to get us through the week. We've never had to choose which bill not to pay just so we could get some groceries. Prior to this year, our credit was stellar and now, well ... I don't even want to go there. It's gotten to the point that viking hubby's blood pressure is through the roof and it looks like the possibility of moving back to his hometown (Missouri) is imminent.
On paper I just can't argue, he doesn't like California but the poor guy has lived here pretty much for ME for 12 years, his parents will be nearby so the munchkin can have some grandparents around because my parents are gone and retired in the Philippines, not to mention that everything else will be cheaper as far as housing goes. So yeah, it's suppose to be a good thing.
But still ....Missouri. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it guys. I'm crying right now as I type this like a big fat baby because I love where I live so much. My dreams have always consisted of us living in California. Especially the munchkin growing up in California, experiencing differences in food, people, culture, ideas and just not being boxed in with 'small town' ideas. I know that in some ways growing up in 'small town' is good, there is a sense of community and safety that you just don't get from a big city. However, it's that's 'safety' that I'm afraid of. My biggest fears is for the munchkin to be afraid of trying new things, going to different places, experiencing different people because she's lived in such a sheltered box. I've met people in Missouri that haven't been out of the country, seen the ocean and have no desire to! I understand if you've never been out of the country because that is pretty expensive but not having the DESIRE to is something I just can't wrap my head around. I've met people who think driving a half hour to another town is "far away!' I hope to God that the munchkin doesn't end up like that. I KNOW not everyone is like that in the midwest, I'm just basing this on the people I've talked to and things I've seen when we are there. So if you don't fit that mold and you live in the midwest, will you move next to me??? ;p
But now, with everything so unaffordable, with viking hubby's health on the line and with us living from paycheck to paycheck, even though I have two jobs (both from home thank goodness but the one job I love - model scouting - of course doesn't pay as much or as often) I have no more arguments to give as to why we should be living here. None.
I'm sorry for this pity party, I just need to do it here and now because I don't want to make this transition to move terrible for viking hubby. I know it kills him to take me away, especially with all the plans we made together about maybe living on a houseboat in a couple years, etc. That's pretty much a ridiculous pipe dream at this point. Maybe it will happen in the future (I swear I'm always trying to think positive no matter what this blog post may sound like) - meanwhile, at this time, I have to suck it up, grow up and do what's best for the family.
But for now, I'm going to blubber and cry on the internet. I hope you don't mind if I get a little snot on your screen. I'll go have another cup of coffee and overdose myself on caffeine so that I can cheer up again. Maybe it won't be that bad living with horseflies, cows, snow, and not a Filipino in sight.
Yeah. I think I'll need two pots of coffee and a giant bong to make that idea sound even remotely good.