Monday, November 24, 2008

Am I Too Old To Be Adopted By Brangelina?

I'm here you guys and I'm having kind of a poopy Monday so if you're in a good mood, read my blog later. I'm about to vent and you guys have to take the brunt of it.

So suffice it to say that this has been one of the most dismal years we've ever had financially. I've made a slight mention of this before on my blog and really, I think a majority of the people are in the same boat as I am. It's not like we were rolling in money before however we've never had to depend on our bank's bounce protection just to get us through the week. We've never had to choose which bill not to pay just so we could get some groceries. Prior to this year, our credit was stellar and now, well ... I don't even want to go there. It's gotten to the point that viking hubby's blood pressure is through the roof and it looks like the possibility of moving back to his hometown (Missouri) is imminent.

On paper I just can't argue, he doesn't like California but the poor guy has lived here pretty much for ME for 12 years, his parents will be nearby so the munchkin can have some grandparents around because my parents are gone and retired in the Philippines, not to mention that everything else will be cheaper as far as housing goes. So yeah, it's suppose to be a good thing.

But still ....Missouri. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it guys. I'm crying right now as I type this like a big fat baby because I love where I live so much. My dreams have always consisted of us living in California. Especially the munchkin growing up in California, experiencing differences in food, people, culture, ideas and just not being boxed in with 'small town' ideas. I know that in some ways growing up in 'small town' is good, there is a sense of community and safety that you just don't get from a big city. However, it's that's 'safety' that I'm afraid of. My biggest fears is for the munchkin to be afraid of trying new things, going to different places, experiencing different people because she's lived in such a sheltered box. I've met people in Missouri that haven't been out of the country, seen the ocean and have no desire to! I understand if you've never been out of the country because that is pretty expensive but not having the DESIRE to is something I just can't wrap my head around. I've met people who think driving a half hour to another town is "far away!' I hope to God that the munchkin doesn't end up like that. I KNOW not everyone is like that in the midwest, I'm just basing this on the people I've talked to and things I've seen when we are there. So if you don't fit that mold and you live in the midwest, will you move next to me??? ;p

But now, with everything so unaffordable, with viking hubby's health on the line and with us living from paycheck to paycheck, even though I have two jobs (both from home thank goodness but the one job I love - model scouting - of course doesn't pay as much or as often) I have no more arguments to give as to why we should be living here. None.

I'm sorry for this pity party, I just need to do it here and now because I don't want to make this transition to move terrible for viking hubby. I know it kills him to take me away, especially with all the plans we made together about maybe living on a houseboat in a couple years, etc. That's pretty much a ridiculous pipe dream at this point. Maybe it will happen in the future (I swear I'm always trying to think positive no matter what this blog post may sound like) - meanwhile, at this time, I have to suck it up, grow up and do what's best for the family.

But for now, I'm going to blubber and cry on the internet. I hope you don't mind if I get a little snot on your screen. I'll go have another cup of coffee and overdose myself on caffeine so that I can cheer up again. Maybe it won't be that bad living with horseflies, cows, snow, and not a Filipino in sight.

Yeah. I think I'll need two pots of coffee and a giant bong to make that idea sound even remotely good.


Jenessa said...

wow. I'm pretty much speechless, I know how much you didn't like living in missouri. But you're right, we're all in the same boat. I guess I'll have to come see this town you dislike so much.

The Gilles Family said...

:( I'm sorry you're so sad. We're all in the same boat, and having to make these kinds of tough decisions. Just know you're not alone, and we'll be praying for you guys. We'll especially be praying that whatever decision you come to, that you will feel at peace about it!

And we'll come visit you. :) Especially if there's a farmacia in the vicinity.

kristi said...

I'm feeling you. We'll probably be doing a move soon, too. I'm trying not to think about it. I've never been to can't beat Southern food, though, right? Right????

Beth said...

I'm sorry that things aren't going the way you had hoped. You have every right to cry -- so cry. It's okay.

I'm a lifelong Midwesterner and can tell you that my kids are not afraid of their own shadows -- they travel and live and love with gusto.

Your little munchkin will be just fine and will develop into the person that she is meant to be -- because she has parents who will give her both roots and wings.

Really. She'll be great.

And so will you.

Tug said...

((hugs)) Cry, let it out.

You, Viking Hubby & the Munchkin will be JUST.FINE. It will do the Munchkin good to be around family, and she will continue to be YOUR daughter - wanting to explore the USA, the world! Things will look up eventually, so you can think of it as something to look forward to!

I grew up in eastern MT, COUNTY (not just town) of 2000. I moved to Vegas with my 10 year old daughter - took her away from friends & family she'd known all her life...and we thrived. She married & moved back to small town, & hates it - she's looking to get back out there now...

You'll be OK. You KNOW there are gays just waiting to lean on you there, right? ;-)

Tug said...

P.S. My brothers were both raised in small town MT too (duh) - one's in Carlsbad now, the other's in Nashville. Not everyone's stuck in the place they were raised...

Melly said...

We're right there with you Elaine. Though we wont be moving out of state yet. We're almost definitely moving within the next 8-9 months.

I've always wanted to live in a small town.I did live in one when we lived in Oregon for 10 years. It was nice.

Living without the traffic will be nice though wont it?

kim said...

I totally understand how you feel. I am sorry you are going through this right now. What is it about 2008, anyway?! It was such a bad year for so many of us.

Here's hoping things turn around for you guys. It does seem to happen sometimes when you least expect it. And as for Maddie growing up sheltered, there is no chance of it. You guys are way too cool to sit in the house all the time and not cross a state line.

Keep your head up! xoxo

Bluestreak said...

Dammit, that sucks. I know how important it is to live somewhere you love. But more importantly of course are the people you love.

Don´t think about how growing up there will effect the munchkin though. At the end of the day the people that are going to influence her the most are you and the viking. The desire to see and know the world and think outside the small-town mentality will come from you.

Tiina Kala said...

Oh baby, I hope everything works out and you won`t have to go live in Missouri. OR if you`ll have to, your neighbours will rock. Hugs and kisses.