My Mood Swing Is Equipped With A Baby Seat.

You know, I can keep a poorly written post up for weeks on end, I post cheesy youtube vids up just because I'm lazy, I even post half-assed FLFs (yeah remember those?) just to say I did it but I cannot for the life of me leave a whiny, wah wah baby post up for long.

So forget the last post. Yes, I'm still sad that we might have to move and thank you everyone who posted comments - seriously, it really did make me feel better about the whole situation. I can get quite dramatic and over the top when the waterworks start coming in so it's nice to have people reel me back into the reality of the situation. (along with the bright side) And hey - as of now I'm still in Cali. and I'm going to be thankful because...oh that's right, in a couple days it's THANKSGIVING! And no matter what happens in the future, this year, I'm celebrating in shorts and flip flops and just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason.
So this is me with a straw, sucking it the fuck up.

Ooh brain freeze. I also thank, this kid because you just can't stay sad after watching that.

Moving right along..let's have a peek at the Hollywood freakshow shall we?
(see? This isn't even a half-assed FLF, this is a 3/4 buttcheek FLF!)

So when two vapid idiots have a baby, does a black whole swallow up the parents to prevent them from passing their idiocy on to their child? Unfortunately, no. Last time I checked, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are still polluting the atmosphere with their overinflated sense of self worth and pock marked genitals. But I'm not talking about that crusty couple, I'm talking about Peter Wentz and Asslee Simpson's new bundle of joy; Bronx Mogli Wentz.

Let that name sink in a little bit. Then hope this child gets a free car from the BMW for advertising their initials for the rest of his life. Plus, when other boys go out and play catch with their fathers, this poor kid is going to go on mani-pedi outings with his dad. I'm sure Peter can't wait to pass on his straight iron to his little man. If anyone deserves a BMW, it's this poor child.
Do you think they take turns breast feeding?

Anyways, mark this date on your calendar. The day the midget kind of, sort of, talks smack about the Queen. First of all - girrrl, between me and you, drop the A-Tard. Please. Go have your fling and then pat his ass gently out the door. No overnight stays, no kissing on the lips, and from the looks of him, no talking. Just a fling girl, then fling him out the window. I don't approve of this affair on so many levels, but mostly because he always looks like he's huffed a few too many computer cleaners. There's a Mary Jo Buttafuco thing going on with his face that just doesn't sit well with me. And I'm betting all my circus peanuts and diet Dr. Pepper that he's an open mouth breather. Second, this dress.

The only way this dress will ever be okay is if I can smoke it off you baby.
Or if you were just being festive....
Because if that's the case, then I'll be more than happy to check out the presents under that tree. BazzZING! (I love the mother of all cougars okay. Don't judge me.) I still heart you Ms. Ciccone. Marry me, adopt me, or kidnap me so I don't have to live in Missouri. Amen.

This year's sexiest man alive was Hugh Jackman, which was a HUGE improvement from last year's pick, Matt Damon. Matt Damon gets me about as hot as a bowl of Grapenuts.
So good pick People magazine because I definitely agree. He is fwine...

Sexiest man this year? I agree!!
I agree again,and again, and one again for every ab muscle...

Phew! Gettin' hot up in here with those fine ass pictures. I think I'm going to need a bowl of Grape Nuts to cool down a little...or get a picture of Matt Damon - same thing.
Although, on a side note, I have a feeling Mr. Jackman might not be opposed to having a little tickle pickle party with Mrs. Tom Cruise. If you get what I'm Clay Aiken sayin....

Sing it girl!!

Another reason I'm cheering up so fast is I get to relive my pre-pubey tweeny days of awkwardness with my friend Jenessa because The Block is in town baby! As in not so new kids.
Although, you know with my budget, our seats will be in the cheapy sections so high up that I'm positive we'll need to hire a sherpa just to get up there.

(The cheapy tickets are like 40 bucks I think and the sad thing is I sold something on ebay just to get some extra cash for this. - thank you random stranger who FINALLY bought my PX90 dvds after I posted it for several weeks.)

So what to do in such drastic measures? Act like a fool of course and throw all dignity out the window. (Thank goodness I lost my shiny box of dignity about three Madonna concerts ago). I'm going to beg for better tickets via a sign, a handful of kazoos and some brilliant kazoo playing on my part. I'm pretty sure once the New Kids get word that an awesome albeit freakishly short chick is out front playing nkotb songs via a kazoo they'll throw the backstage doors wide open for us with front row tickets in hand right?
Right? For sure right??

You think I'm joking but really you'll be there...

Video coming soon! (it won't be a five hour vid this time I promise)

FLF: Tastes Like Chicken....

Dear Hugh Grant,

Buggery Bollocks chap! That’s not even a snack pack sized tub of beans, that is a full on, meal for six, Tupperware box of pork and beans.(or a year’s worth of meals for Nicole Ritchie). So wait, does this officially make you the British version of Sean Penn now?

Let’s look to the Revolutionary War for an example shall we?

The British soldiers fought in a straight line, with wigs, bullets be damned.
Americans hid behind things, avoided bullets, won the war.


Sean Penn used his fists. Gave a few bruises
Hugh Grant used pork and beans. Throws like a girl. Missed by a mile.

Yup.
That sounds about right.

Although I have to say, this is quite surprising coming from someone whose British, (sweeping generalization coming in 5…..4… 3… 2,....) because as a group, you’re quite a civilized lot with your funny little accents and Spotted Dicks. I think us loud Americans are misconstruing this as an act of violence when maybe, you simply thought the photographer looked hungry. Does the act of throwing beans and telling someone that you “hope their kids get cancer.,” British for, “Hey, lets have a spot of tea over mum’s house and pick up Divine Brown a prostitute on the East End later tonight?” (I assume the “east end” is the ghetto part of London? Right? Any Brits out there reading this who haven't been completely offended yet? Correct my cheeseburger eatin’ ass will you?) Regardless of what this bean throwing act could possibly mean, I just want to say that all will be forgiven if you promise to make bean throwing your full time career. Or at least start getting caught with prostitutes again. It's certainly a lot more entertaining than your movies. (how many times can you "act" like Hugh Grant??)

Love, Me.


Dear chick from Heroes or chick that wore the whip cream bikini in Varsity Blues,

I don’t care what you think young lady! If Hollywood says that getting a Big Gulp cup of placenta with a dash of Tabasco sauce from Great Earth Vitamins is the newest diet craze then you better open up your mouth and take it like a casting couch actress that you used to be!
So what if it taste like you’re bobbing for apples in Pamela Anderson’s crotch?? It’ll make you glow on the red carpet dammit! So drink up. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to order a side of tofu and toenails salad and oh...what the hell...I’m feeling generous, go ahead and treat yourself to a protein pube cake for dessert!
See? You even get dessert on this diet. Not bad huh?

OH and you have a little placenta on your lip…
On the left..
…keep going..
…nope you missed…
..to the left!
..your other left…

You know what? Never mind. Just let it crust over in the corner of your mouth. It’s kind of endearing.

Love, Me


Dear Mischa,

What is going on here? Are raising a family of orphaned kangaroos in those jeans? I think your intestines were so underused that when you actually ate something, it got confused and dropped the load at the front gate rather than the loading dock. I don’t know. I have so many guesses as to why you would be wearing Carly Simon’s pants (and shirt) from 1975. Do you like to wear heavy duty, super absorbent, pillow mattress sized pads that you get at the public restrooms during your mensies? Is Gary Coleman in there? Do you have 1975 bush to match the pants? Are your meat curtains the size of ACTUAL curtains? Does the term “camel toe” too mild to describe your nether regions? Is “elephant toe” more appropriate? Are you on a restroom strike? Is Depends the new bathroom for busy women?

I'm so confused.
And I'm feeling kind of dizzy.

I’ll stop because I could be here all day trying to wrap my brain around the atrociousness that are those pants.
Write me back.
Explain.

Love, me.

Okay dear readers, if YOU EVER hear, see or even sniff a suspicion that I’m going to get a pair of high waisted pants, please gather my loved ones and conduct an intervention as soon as possible. Maybe bring something heavy to hit me over the head with too.

I promise that I’ll do the same for you.

Have a great weekend everyone!! I’m off to see the Gwen Stefani concert at Satan’s Taint (Phoenix, Arizona) this weekend. Which, FYI, Arizona is already hitting the high NINTIES! So I could very well come back as a piece of jerky.

Eat me.