Buggery Bollocks chap! That’s not even a snack pack sized tub of beans, that is a full on, meal for six, Tupperware box of pork and beans.(or a year’s worth of meals for Nicole Ritchie). So wait, does this officially make you the British version of Sean Penn now?
Let’s look to the Revolutionary War for an example shall we?
The British soldiers fought in a straight line, with wigs, bullets be damned.
Americans hid behind things, avoided bullets, won the war.
Sean Penn used his fists. Gave a few bruises
Hugh Grant used pork and beans. Throws like a girl. Missed by a mile.
That sounds about right.
Although I have to say, this is quite surprising coming from someone whose British, (sweeping generalization coming in 5…..4… 3… 2,....) because as a group, you’re quite a civilized lot with your funny little accents and Spotted Dicks. I think us loud Americans are misconstruing this as an act of violence when maybe, you simply thought the photographer looked hungry. Does the act of throwing beans and telling someone that you “hope their kids get cancer.,” British for, “Hey, lets have a spot of tea over mum’s house and pick up
Dear chick from Heroes or chick that wore the whip cream bikini in Varsity Blues,
I don’t care what you think young lady! If Hollywood says that getting a Big Gulp cup of placenta with a dash of Tabasco sauce from Great Earth Vitamins is the newest diet craze then you better open up your mouth and take it like a casting couch actress that you used to be!
So what if it taste like you’re bobbing for apples in Pamela Anderson’s crotch?? It’ll make you glow on the red carpet dammit! So drink up. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to order a side of tofu and toenails salad and oh...what the hell...I’m feeling generous, go ahead and treat yourself to a protein pube cake for dessert!
See? You even get dessert on this diet. Not bad huh?
OH and you have a little placenta on your lip…
On the left..
…nope you missed…
..to the left!
..your other left…
You know what? Never mind. Just let it crust over in the corner of your mouth. It’s kind of endearing.
What is going on here? Are raising a family of orphaned kangaroos in those jeans? I think your intestines were so underused that when you actually ate something, it got confused and dropped the load at the front gate rather than the loading dock. I don’t know. I have so many guesses as to why you would be wearing Carly Simon’s pants (and shirt) from 1975. Do you like to wear heavy duty, super absorbent, pillow mattress sized pads that you get at the public restrooms during your mensies? Is Gary Coleman in there? Do you have 1975 bush to match the pants? Are your meat curtains the size of ACTUAL curtains? Does the term “camel toe” too mild to describe your nether regions? Is “elephant toe” more appropriate? Are you on a restroom strike? Is Depends the new bathroom for busy women?
I'm so confused.
And I'm feeling kind of dizzy.
I’ll stop because I could be here all day trying to wrap my brain around the atrociousness that are those pants.
Write me back.
Okay dear readers, if YOU EVER hear, see or even sniff a suspicion that I’m going to get a pair of high waisted pants, please gather my loved ones and conduct an intervention as soon as possible. Maybe bring something heavy to hit me over the head with too.
I promise that I’ll do the same for you.
Have a great weekend everyone!! I’m off to see the Gwen Stefani concert at Satan’s Taint (Phoenix, Arizona) this weekend. Which, FYI, Arizona is already hitting the high NINTIES! So I could very well come back as a piece of jerky.