Friday, April 27, 2007

FLF: Tastes Like Chicken....

Dear Hugh Grant,

Buggery Bollocks chap! That’s not even a snack pack sized tub of beans, that is a full on, meal for six, Tupperware box of pork and beans.(or a year’s worth of meals for Nicole Ritchie). So wait, does this officially make you the British version of Sean Penn now?

Let’s look to the Revolutionary War for an example shall we?

The British soldiers fought in a straight line, with wigs, bullets be damned.
Americans hid behind things, avoided bullets, won the war.


Sean Penn used his fists. Gave a few bruises
Hugh Grant used pork and beans. Throws like a girl. Missed by a mile.

Yup.
That sounds about right.

Although I have to say, this is quite surprising coming from someone whose British, (sweeping generalization coming in 5…..4… 3… 2,....) because as a group, you’re quite a civilized lot with your funny little accents and Spotted Dicks. I think us loud Americans are misconstruing this as an act of violence when maybe, you simply thought the photographer looked hungry. Does the act of throwing beans and telling someone that you “hope their kids get cancer.,” British for, “Hey, lets have a spot of tea over mum’s house and pick up Divine Brown a prostitute on the East End later tonight?” (I assume the “east end” is the ghetto part of London? Right? Any Brits out there reading this who haven't been completely offended yet? Correct my cheeseburger eatin’ ass will you?) Regardless of what this bean throwing act could possibly mean, I just want to say that all will be forgiven if you promise to make bean throwing your full time career. Or at least start getting caught with prostitutes again. It's certainly a lot more entertaining than your movies. (how many times can you "act" like Hugh Grant??)

Love, Me.


Dear chick from Heroes or chick that wore the whip cream bikini in Varsity Blues,

I don’t care what you think young lady! If Hollywood says that getting a Big Gulp cup of placenta with a dash of Tabasco sauce from Great Earth Vitamins is the newest diet craze then you better open up your mouth and take it like a casting couch actress that you used to be!
So what if it taste like you’re bobbing for apples in Pamela Anderson’s crotch?? It’ll make you glow on the red carpet dammit! So drink up. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to order a side of tofu and toenails salad and oh...what the hell...I’m feeling generous, go ahead and treat yourself to a protein pube cake for dessert!
See? You even get dessert on this diet. Not bad huh?

OH and you have a little placenta on your lip…
On the left..
…keep going..
…nope you missed…
..to the left!
..your other left…

You know what? Never mind. Just let it crust over in the corner of your mouth. It’s kind of endearing.

Love, Me


Dear Mischa,

What is going on here? Are raising a family of orphaned kangaroos in those jeans? I think your intestines were so underused that when you actually ate something, it got confused and dropped the load at the front gate rather than the loading dock. I don’t know. I have so many guesses as to why you would be wearing Carly Simon’s pants (and shirt) from 1975. Do you like to wear heavy duty, super absorbent, pillow mattress sized pads that you get at the public restrooms during your mensies? Is Gary Coleman in there? Do you have 1975 bush to match the pants? Are your meat curtains the size of ACTUAL curtains? Does the term “camel toe” too mild to describe your nether regions? Is “elephant toe” more appropriate? Are you on a restroom strike? Is Depends the new bathroom for busy women?

I'm so confused.
And I'm feeling kind of dizzy.

I’ll stop because I could be here all day trying to wrap my brain around the atrociousness that are those pants.
Write me back.
Explain.

Love, me.

Okay dear readers, if YOU EVER hear, see or even sniff a suspicion that I’m going to get a pair of high waisted pants, please gather my loved ones and conduct an intervention as soon as possible. Maybe bring something heavy to hit me over the head with too.

I promise that I’ll do the same for you.

Have a great weekend everyone!! I’m off to see the Gwen Stefani concert at Satan’s Taint (Phoenix, Arizona) this weekend. Which, FYI, Arizona is already hitting the high NINTIES! So I could very well come back as a piece of jerky.

Eat me.

8 comments:

Miss-Informed said...

Hey lady, have a fantastic time at the ol' concert. HEY! Incase you wet yourself maybe you should opt for old Mischa's look? You know I hear excitement kinda gets to you:)
You crack me up! This was all fantastic. Way to go on relaxing me before the "procedure".

Lizzle said...

I think perhaps Mischa is taking a cue from that astronaut lady. She's actually out stalking someone and is wearing a diaper because she is too busy with her stalking to worry with finding a bathroom!

Oh, and I don't even know you, but if you go buying high waisted pants, even I will be forced to intervene!

Webmiztris said...

omg, those pants!!! does she shop at the salvation army or what???? she looks like a total dork! lmao!

have fun at the concert!!

Kristi said...

Oy vey with the pants! Donald Duck called...he wants his suit back.

Ice said...

Damn, those pants... she looks like she's dragging her left leg pretty bad too... must be a full poonmatress.?!

Great FLF as usual, Elaine ;)

Enjoy your concert!

phishez_rule said...

I think they're bringing high waisted pants back so that camel toe doesn't really become an issue. Unfortunately if it does happen it won't be camel toe.

It will have morphed into camel foot.

Katy said...

The pants have me pondering......I just can not wrap my mind around them. what have you done to me? I may be scarred for life.

jali said...

Those pants are just sad.
Sad I tell you.
Sad.