Friday, September 23, 2011

Judging Books By Their Covers Part Two

Today kidlets, we look at the meticulously groomed, glossy, double dimpled cover of Mario Lopez. You probably know by now that if we actually saw a Mario Lopez book cover manifest, it would of course have a picture of himself on it. What you wouldn't know is that the picture would be on the inside cover and the first page would be a mirror, so the picture of himself could look himself.

His cover also reads...

I don't mind being called a douche because douches go into vaginas, indiscriminately. What do you think I do in between double dimpling the public and flashing my pecs?

Instead of ladies screaming my name during an orgasm, I scream my name FOR them - because that's what a gentleman does.

Taking off my shirt is the ONLY foreplay I do. You're welcome ladies.

When I have sex, I put my face about two inches away from her and smile like this:

So she won't forget how lucky she is to be underneath such a magnificent Latino stallion.

I don't know Spanish.

When I want immerse myself completely into my culture, I go to Taco Bell and order a Gordita. I make sure I roll my r's and shorten my a's when I order because that's what Latin people sound like.

I only read books with pictures in it. Of me.

My turn-ons are girls who wear glasses because when the light hits their glasses just right, I can see my reflection.

I would totally have sex with guys. Not because I'm gay, but I believe in equal rights. It would be completely unfair if only women can get to experience me.

I shower in slow motion.

Hand mirror = my kind of porn.

My penis is named "Dios Mio Es Tan Pequeno.' A girl screamed that out once when she saw it. I don't know what it means as I've been too busy exfoliating myself to look it up in my Spanish to English dictionary but it sounds like it refers to God so that's gotta be good right?

As the years go by, I get better and better looking. But somewhere there's a picture of AC Slater with a gray, overgrown mullet that's getting fatter and fatter.

My balls are tan.

My soul is made of 10 percent hair gel, 90 percent narcissism.

Just kidding, I have no soul.


Anonymous said...

Damn, I love you. Love. And I'm more than a little bit jealous that I didn't think of this first, because Judging Books by their Covers is freaking fantabulous.

Jo said...

Okay, so I am assuming then that you are a HUGE Mario fan. Bless his heart.
You are just a riot.

justonevoice said...

Well, I am a new fan...but this was too funny...Actually, I think I've met a few Marios...or just those that thought they were minus the dimples and the pecs. Great job!

Andrea said...

I think your work is amazing. I love it! Your so funny!!!