Judging Books By Their Covers Part Two

Today kidlets, we look at the meticulously groomed, glossy, double dimpled cover of Mario Lopez. You probably know by now that if we actually saw a Mario Lopez book cover manifest, it would of course have a picture of himself on it. What you wouldn't know is that the picture would be on the inside cover and the first page would be a mirror, so the picture of himself could look ......at himself.

His cover also reads...

I don't mind being called a douche because douches go into vaginas, indiscriminately. What do you think I do in between double dimpling the public and flashing my pecs?

Instead of ladies screaming my name during an orgasm, I scream my name FOR them - because that's what a gentleman does.

Taking off my shirt is the ONLY foreplay I do. You're welcome ladies.

When I have sex, I put my face about two inches away from her and smile like this:

So she won't forget how lucky she is to be underneath such a magnificent Latino stallion.

I don't know Spanish.

When I want immerse myself completely into my culture, I go to Taco Bell and order a Gordita. I make sure I roll my r's and shorten my a's when I order because that's what Latin people sound like.

I only read books with pictures in it. Of me.

My turn-ons are girls who wear glasses because when the light hits their glasses just right, I can see my reflection.

I would totally have sex with guys. Not because I'm gay, but I believe in equal rights. It would be completely unfair if only women can get to experience me.

I shower in slow motion.

Hand mirror = my kind of porn.

My penis is named "Dios Mio Es Tan Pequeno.' A girl screamed that out once when she saw it. I don't know what it means as I've been too busy exfoliating myself to look it up in my Spanish to English dictionary but it sounds like it refers to God so that's gotta be good right?

As the years go by, I get better and better looking. But somewhere there's a picture of AC Slater with a gray, overgrown mullet that's getting fatter and fatter.

My balls are tan.

My soul is made of 10 percent hair gel, 90 percent narcissism.

Just kidding, I have no soul.

Judging Books By Their Covers: Part One

Since I have absolutely no time to write. I'm introducing a new blog quickie called Judging Books By Their Covers. Today's subject is Kris Humphries, whose cover says....

I'm an open mouth breather

I consider 'passing gas' and 'dutch oven-ing' people as one of my hobbies.

I say 'supposebly'

I think it's perfectly fine to turn your underwear inside out and wear it again

I scratch my nuts then smell my fingers, then I make other people smell them.

I think it's perfectly fine to scratch my back with a dinner fork

I own all the Jackass movies and think they are cinematic feats of awesomeness

Driving with my seat all the way down with one hand on the steering wheel makes me gangsta.

I still giggle when people say my last name (you said 'Hump!' hahahaha!)

If you're really my friend, you've been teabagged by me at least once.

Showering in Drakkar Noir is the same as actually showering.

I don't know how to spell Kardas ...Kardasch....Kardashyn...whatever, she has my last name now anyways.

I believe that burping is an opportunity to share your meal with others.

Eating whatever's under my fingernails is a form of recycling.

There's no fun in blowing my nose if it can't be in the form of a snot rocket.

I like big butts and I cannot lie....

Spiritually, I believe in the word of Beavis and Butthead