Judging Books By Their Covers Part Two

Today kidlets, we look at the meticulously groomed, glossy, double dimpled cover of Mario Lopez. You probably know by now that if we actually saw a Mario Lopez book cover manifest, it would of course have a picture of himself on it. What you wouldn't know is that the picture would be on the inside cover and the first page would be a mirror, so the picture of himself could look ......at himself.

His cover also reads...

I don't mind being called a douche because douches go into vaginas, indiscriminately. What do you think I do in between double dimpling the public and flashing my pecs?

Instead of ladies screaming my name during an orgasm, I scream my name FOR them - because that's what a gentleman does.

Taking off my shirt is the ONLY foreplay I do. You're welcome ladies.

When I have sex, I put my face about two inches away from her and smile like this:

So she won't forget how lucky she is to be underneath such a magnificent Latino stallion.

I don't know Spanish.

When I want immerse myself completely into my culture, I go to Taco Bell and order a Gordita. I make sure I roll my r's and shorten my a's when I order because that's what Latin people sound like.

I only read books with pictures in it. Of me.

My turn-ons are girls who wear glasses because when the light hits their glasses just right, I can see my reflection.

I would totally have sex with guys. Not because I'm gay, but I believe in equal rights. It would be completely unfair if only women can get to experience me.

I shower in slow motion.

Hand mirror = my kind of porn.

My penis is named "Dios Mio Es Tan Pequeno.' A girl screamed that out once when she saw it. I don't know what it means as I've been too busy exfoliating myself to look it up in my Spanish to English dictionary but it sounds like it refers to God so that's gotta be good right?

As the years go by, I get better and better looking. But somewhere there's a picture of AC Slater with a gray, overgrown mullet that's getting fatter and fatter.

My balls are tan.

My soul is made of 10 percent hair gel, 90 percent narcissism.

Just kidding, I have no soul.

Fan Letter Four Day Part Three: I thought her eggs dried up a long time ago...

Dear Nicole Richie’s possible future baby,

Oh dear sweet child. I feel compelled to write you a letter as soon as possible to tell you to please HOLD ON to whatever food you happen to get in there. Hold on to it you’re your dear life, even if it's just a dry old piece of toast, ration it out girlfriend! Because although we see pictures of your mom getting ready to “eat” a huge piece of cake or “devour” an entire turkey in one sitting, I’m pretty sure she’s just eating the garnishment, nibbles on the corner of her napkin when the paps leave and calling it a day.
Apparently, she doesn’t have an eating disorder and blames her Praying Mantis-like figure on “stress.”
Sweetie, I’ve been out of the partying scene for quite some time, but I can’t help but wonder if this “stress” she’s talking about comes in the form of a powdery substance that comes in a small baggy which can then be snorted or injected.
But again, what do I know? I am but a middle class, work at home mom. What do I know about stress indeed??
Really, I have no place to judge.
But I am in a wonderful position to inform you of the shady characters that you might encounter upon your entrance to the world. So here's a few you should be wary of....

Auntie Paris: Don’t get too close to her until you get your shots dear. And even then, proceed with caution, she’s got some evil pets down south that can jump right on you.

Daddy Joel Madden: Sorry girl, Real men don’t wear make up and they don’t play god awful music, and unfortunately, you daddy does both of those things. So if he decides to “sing” you to sleep and help you with your makeup when you’re a teenager, just tell him that Nana Lainey says he’s a douchebag and send him on his way.

Possible playdates to watch out for:

Kingston Rossdale: He’s hot, but a total party guy. He’s not someone to get serious with but he’s got a hot dad, so that’s a plus for all those family pool parties they’re sure to have …actually, come to think of it. His mom’s kind of hot too, so yeah, don’t forget to take your camera to those pool parties and email the pictures to Nana Lainey will ya?

Maddox Jolie-Pitt: He’s a funny guy and sure to be a do-gooder, but yeah, if you don’t think this boy is going to have mommy issues in the future, you’re sorely mistaken. (when you get the time read that on story about an unfortunate fella named Oedipus..)

Okay. so I hope you’re taking notes on this. To sum up, hoard all the food you get in the womb, that disgusting smell you sometimes get a whiff of is just Auntie Paris and your dad is a douche.
Also, when it’s time to get out of your skeletal prison, don’t be overly alarmed if the first thing you see is a pile of chopsticks with hair.
That’s just your mother.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shove this letter up your mom’s dry old peesh deliver this letter to you now.

Love,
Your Nana Lainey

On the serious tip, if that bitch Nicole Richie is pregnant (gasp)..she better eat or I will have to shove a bucket of chicken and waffles down her throat. With a gravy chaser.
(mmm! That sounds like party time to me!)

Finally, isn't that photoshopped picture of "nicole's baby" freaky as shit!!! I might have nightmares about that baby crawling on my ceiling later this evening.
(shudders)