My One True Love. An Autobiography .

This week's Focus52 prompt was to CELEBRATE ME!!! Oh my, what a scary request to present to a short Leo gal such as myself (ie: insecure ego maniac who looks forward to job interviews because she sees it as another opportunity to talk about herself.)

So I wondered, if there was a party.. a party celebrating all things ME! Wait...wait...the thought of it is giving me a mild orgasm...uhhhh ...phew.... what would it consist of?

Well first, let's start with decorations, what kind of decor would celebrate me? My first thought is Circus Peanut streamers, hats, napkins, tablecloths and plates because holy stanky sandals of Jesus, I love me some of those toxic orange sugar bombs! They're unnaturally orange colored like Tang, shaped like a cartoon peanut, feels like dried out Play-Doh and has a banana-ish aftertaste. Did I just describe God to you? Yes. Yes I did.

Next up would be music and if you were ever a friend to begin with, you'll know that this is a no brainer. Madonna bitch and lots of it. And if you were ever a good friend that I've accidentally come on to after a exceptionally tall glass of Long Island Ice Tea (ie: all my friends), you'd know that you do not play the usual Madonna songs or just 80's Madonna songs (there's a real danger of a person getting choked when I hear the term, "I only like her old stuff." How can you only like her tired, overrated, one dimensional 80s songs when she has sang genius songs about cunnilingus , motherfuckers who are so two-faced that even the devil's impressed or having some fun with mental illness? HOW? You can't, that's how! You just never took the time to actually BE a FAN and listen to her brilliance past the True Blue album! <---- That was our friend pointless fucking rant ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!)

After music would be food. What type of food would celebrate me? There would be several entrees to choose from actually because I refuse to encapsulate my fabulousness in just one meal. I love cheap fast food type Chinese food, so there would be bowls of orange chicken from Panda Express or Pick-Up-Stix with shrimp lo mein. I also like teriyaki beef from Lelani's, a Hawaiian restaurant here in San Diego, with their special teriyaki sauce which is thick, sweet, tangy and salty. The beef is served with hot steam rice. For dessert, I would have Ube ice cream. Essentially it's a yam ice cream. Please don't give me no gross face if you haven't tasted it because you just don't KNOW homie. It's an orgy with multi-orgasms in your mouth! (that probably wouldn't taste as good, like if you literally licked an orgy with a....oh never mind.) Notice how this paragraph was practically joke free? It's because the food is so delicious to the point of being deities that my usual nonsensical monologue would've been unholy.

Guests would mill around and talk about the wonky dimple under my eye that's different in a cute way and not in a sideshow bearded lady way, or how great it is that despite my short stature I have a giant don't have a Napolean complex but at all. They would partake in games such as Pin The Flat Nose On My Face, Am I Taller Than a Fifth Grader? and Creative Penis Euphemisms I Made Up Scrabble.

Oh what fun! YAY ME indeed!!

Finally, the goodie bags because dammit who thought it was a good idea to stop giving out goodie bags after a certain age? Anyways, my goodie bags would be a small thank you for celebrating me by inviting you to celebrate yourselves.


Tee.

Hee.



*This blog post was cut short because the author got hungry and went to go rape her face with massive amounts of food. We apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you.