I Don't Think We'll Ever Be Ready For His Jelly.

The Charlie Sheen dam broke this week and he drowned the public in his tiger blood and magic. He was tired of pretending like his life isn't bitchin' and really, who are we to muffle this man and his zeal for coke induced rants? I'm sure we've all seen/heard our fair share of Sheenisms and Sheeniuses on t.v., internet and magazines. In fact for days now, I've been drunk off the Sheen wine and if you're a Facebook friend or Twitter follower, you've witnessed my Sheenebriation.

But now that the dumb fuck doesn't have anything new to say and is only repeating his Busey-like quotes, I think I'm sobering up. I've had my fill of #WINNING! for now and through clearer, non-Sheened eyes, I couldn't help but notice how the mountains of coke he's hoovered up his nose has AGED him.

We all know drugs can pretty much take a steaming pile of shit on your life and everyone else around you, but you forget how that pile of shit mainly falls on your face.

The very first time I ever saw Charlie Sheen, it was in that movie, Lucas.


And yeah, I thought he was cute. And every other time I saw him, I thought oh yeah, Charlie Sheen is cute. I never really got into him because oddly enough, a guy that does drugs and goes snorkling into porn stars' and hookers' crotches lose a little of their appeal with me.Call me picky, what can I say. But you can't deny that, for a good many years, Charlie Sheen was awesome eye candy that many people enjoyed.


I never really noticed how much he had aged until these last few days when the Vatican assassin warlock was winning! on every channel of my t.v. looking like this:


Honestly, if that's the face of winning, I am terrified to see what losing looks like. He may be winning in his head but clearly his coke face is losing. Big time. And I'm sure this is more than just typical aging. I think if Charlie Sheen was just aging, he would still be as handsome as he was in his 20s, only with that distinguished older man sexy vibe. (<-- that description can easily summed up by two words: George. Clooney.) No, that wear and tear on his face is clearly more than just age. It's as if his life, drugs and porn stars all got together, ate giant bean and cheese burritos, hot wings, and fried cheese before washing it down with tequila shots and shitting it out all over his face. This, chirren, this is why we say NO to using coke as your primary source of nutrition.

It's a shame really. A once talented and handsome guy with an impressive career, a highly successful sitcom and FOUR kids he's responsible for, has deteriorated to this flimsy shell of a person built on delusions, ego and believing his hype so much that he wants to make it everyone's religion. Charlie Sheen is what happens when humility is smeared on toast and eaten by conceit. Charlie Sheen's FACE is what happens when age is marinated in cocaine broth and broiled in hooker sweat. (Sorry. I get hungry when I blog, hence all the cooking and food references but after that last sentence, surprisingly, I'm not so hungry anymore.)

But, according to Charlie, the only drug he's on is "Charlie Sheen!" He says this drug will make your face melt off and will cause children to weep over your exploded body. His body didn't explode (yet) but that face melting sure looks like it might have been a true statement.

Yes children, let's all gather 'round and weep at what Charlie Sheen has done to Charlie Sheen.

OR .... maybe I'm just a contaminated little maggot who can't handle his power, the magic in his fingertips and his Adonis D.N.A. Drugs? What drugs? He cured it with his brain bro! He's not recovering like some pussy! Can't is the cancer of happen! Bam! Done! Move forward! Fingerless lesbians are the eunuchs of the gay world!

Okay, okay, so that last one was my little gem.

Sorry Charlie, you can't take credit for all the crazy. I was here first.