CLOSE UP ... I'd poke you with my unicorn horn, which I later discover to be a really huge boil and my dreams of being magic is dashed.

CLOSE UP.... you'll see that my skin is the stuff of legends and myths. Seriously. You would find it hard NOT to lick me because I look like I'm made of smooth hard candy. But then you'd back up because I'd be all whispering, "come on, lick me, you know you want to!" which would freak you the fuck out. Then later, whenever we would hang, there would be this weird awkwardness in the air that no amount of small talk can get rid of and eventually we stop talking.

So yeah, I have really good skin.

CLOSE UP.... I'm more than unreasonably scared about 2012. You can blame the History Channel's uplifting documentaries like "Nostradamus 2012," "Decoding The Past:Doomsday 2012." Rays of sunshine those guys at the History Channel. I've been waiting for God to return my calls so we can discuss this whole thing, but it's been kind of awkward between us as of late..(he got to looking close at my magical skin too and well... you've read what I do when that happens.)

CLOSE UP... you'll see my lips moving because I talk to the voices constantly. They don't like awkward silences like...ever.

CLOSE UP.... I'm almost positive that you would be able to smell the bullshit and day old pomade emanating from Shia Labeouf. I don't understand how this guy is successful in Hollywood. He's ALMOST good looking, he's ALMOST a good actor, he's ALMOST got a good body...so CLOSE and yet so far away that it's in another galaxy. Either he is really talented and I'm just crazy OR he has some kind of godlike talent agent that shits Spielberg scripts.

CLOSE UP.... my nose would probably hit your armpit. Remind me never to get too close to Shaquille O'Neal because I think we all know where my nose could hit. "Hmmm smells like boiled mushrooms... Damn Shaquille back up! I want to see where that smell is coming from!"

CLOSE UP.... you'd see that if it wasn't for the awesomeness of tweezers, my eyebrows would look like two small cats sleeping on my brow.

CLOSE UP.... isn't good when you've got halitosis. Do people KNOW when they have halitosis? From my experience, that doesn't seem to be the case. In fact, they're the FIRST motherfuckers to come up to you and start having a conversation in your mouth. And if you happen to have a drink nearby you can bet their toxic blowhole has already taken it upon themselves to have a complimentary sip.

CLOSE UP... you'll see that Jessica Alba is made of wood that's been varnished with boring.

CLOSE UP... you would discover that everything you've ever seen in an infomercial has taken up residence in my closet or garage.

CLOSE UP... the innards of the atom looks a lot like space which begs the question...what if our space is actually part of an atom which is part of some guy's mustache pores? I think you might need some funny brownies to appreciate this question I'm pondering.

CLOSE UP... you'd probably see condoms and spare change inside Mario Lopez's dimples.

CLOSE UP... is the only way I can see words and signs. Please don't let that and the fact that I'm your stereotypical Asian female driver make you in any way nervous to be my passenger, just in the off chance that one horribly unlucky day, having broken both your legs, you need a ride from me because I'm the only one left on earth. (take a breath. phew. what a run-on) Anyways, that's really probably the only time you should ever get into a vehicle with me... when there's no other options.

CLOSE UP... Jessica and Ashley Simpson smell like Joe Simpson. Obviously.