My One True Love. An Autobiography .

This week's Focus52 prompt was to CELEBRATE ME!!! Oh my, what a scary request to present to a short Leo gal such as myself (ie: insecure ego maniac who looks forward to job interviews because she sees it as another opportunity to talk about herself.)

So I wondered, if there was a party.. a party celebrating all things ME! Wait...wait...the thought of it is giving me a mild orgasm...uhhhh ...phew.... what would it consist of?

Well first, let's start with decorations, what kind of decor would celebrate me? My first thought is Circus Peanut streamers, hats, napkins, tablecloths and plates because holy stanky sandals of Jesus, I love me some of those toxic orange sugar bombs! They're unnaturally orange colored like Tang, shaped like a cartoon peanut, feels like dried out Play-Doh and has a banana-ish aftertaste. Did I just describe God to you? Yes. Yes I did.

Next up would be music and if you were ever a friend to begin with, you'll know that this is a no brainer. Madonna bitch and lots of it. And if you were ever a good friend that I've accidentally come on to after a exceptionally tall glass of Long Island Ice Tea (ie: all my friends), you'd know that you do not play the usual Madonna songs or just 80's Madonna songs (there's a real danger of a person getting choked when I hear the term, "I only like her old stuff." How can you only like her tired, overrated, one dimensional 80s songs when she has sang genius songs about cunnilingus , motherfuckers who are so two-faced that even the devil's impressed or having some fun with mental illness? HOW? You can't, that's how! You just never took the time to actually BE a FAN and listen to her brilliance past the True Blue album! <---- That was our friend pointless fucking rant ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!)

After music would be food. What type of food would celebrate me? There would be several entrees to choose from actually because I refuse to encapsulate my fabulousness in just one meal. I love cheap fast food type Chinese food, so there would be bowls of orange chicken from Panda Express or Pick-Up-Stix with shrimp lo mein. I also like teriyaki beef from Lelani's, a Hawaiian restaurant here in San Diego, with their special teriyaki sauce which is thick, sweet, tangy and salty. The beef is served with hot steam rice. For dessert, I would have Ube ice cream. Essentially it's a yam ice cream. Please don't give me no gross face if you haven't tasted it because you just don't KNOW homie. It's an orgy with multi-orgasms in your mouth! (that probably wouldn't taste as good, like if you literally licked an orgy with a....oh never mind.) Notice how this paragraph was practically joke free? It's because the food is so delicious to the point of being deities that my usual nonsensical monologue would've been unholy.

Guests would mill around and talk about the wonky dimple under my eye that's different in a cute way and not in a sideshow bearded lady way, or how great it is that despite my short stature I have a giant don't have a Napolean complex but at all. They would partake in games such as Pin The Flat Nose On My Face, Am I Taller Than a Fifth Grader? and Creative Penis Euphemisms I Made Up Scrabble.

Oh what fun! YAY ME indeed!!

Finally, the goodie bags because dammit who thought it was a good idea to stop giving out goodie bags after a certain age? Anyways, my goodie bags would be a small thank you for celebrating me by inviting you to celebrate yourselves.


Tee.

Hee.



*This blog post was cut short because the author got hungry and went to go rape her face with massive amounts of food. We apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

The World Would Be A Better Place if People Co-Existed as Peacefully As The Random Knick Knacks Do On My Shelf.

We checked out our future place of residence this past weekend and wow! It's huge and I'm already feeling overwhelmed - in a good way of course. I can't believe how incredibly lucky we got nabbing this place. Basically it's more than twice the size of our two bedroom condo, the living room alone is half, if not the size of our entire condo. There's a huge backyard, a pool and a pool house complete with bathroom and shower and a lovely hillside view.

I've recruited the help of my friend Brandie to pick out colors (the owner is letting us paint!) for the walls, cabinets and just general help with placement of furniture and decor. Being that I'm Asian or more specifically, FILIPINO - my natural instinct is to fill every little nook and cranny with crap. Intermixing knick knacks, themes, decor, color - and basically turn the house into a living breathing definition of A.D.D. I'm not saying ALL Filipinos are like this, but most of the ones I've encountered, including my parents fit the A.D.D. decor mode.

For example, my mom had Buddhist and Catholic art and decor sprinkled throughout the house. It was not unusual for Buddha statues to co-exist with crucifixes and candles with saints on them. We had a 3D - YES, that's right, THREE DIMENSIONAL - painting/diorama of the Last Supper (faux gold plated for your pleasure) hung up on a wall in our dining room area so that every meal was like breaking bread with Jesus and his desciples. Or in a lot of instances, breaking a hot pocket or a bowl of cookie crisp with Christ. But the decor wasn't limited to religious Gods, oh no. If it was the hot ticket item at the swap meet or given to us, you can bet it had a place of its very own in my house.

There were these random paintings that a relative did that my mom simply could not resist putting up. They were nature scenes (a river, a cabin, a forest) that I think would have given the paintings at your local Motel 6 a run for it's money. We also had another 3D diorama type painting of an ocean with movement (SEE the ocean crash!) AND sound (HEAR the ocean waves!). It was like looking at a painting during a bad LSD trip, except no drugs were necessary, only a nearby outlet to plug it in. Let's not forget the clock that played a different CARPENTERS song every hour. (Okay, I kind of loved that one..)

That was my house and it never even occurred to me how horribly maniacal the decor was because it accumulated slowly. My mom would change her mind on what 'theme' she wanted but failed to take down the prior theme and wala, by the time I moved out in college the house looked like a storage room for Antiques Roadshow rejects.

I vowed to never be like that and yet....in my first tiny tiny apartment, I already had 'themes' going on in my head. For example, my bathroom was going to be done up Superman style. (STOP LAUGHING AT ME! I was still a kid! Okay, 22, but still...) Of course in my head, it was going to be done in this cool retro vibe. I was going to build (cough*viking hubby was going to build*cough) a nice high shelf and display all my Superman collectibles on it. I use the plural term 'collectibles' loosely as I only had a Superman statue, an old Superman pretzel tin and two old Superman metal lunchboxes. Thank you Ebay.

I was going to hang a retro Superman painting ...somewhere..in there... only I never could figure out where... and so my 'retro superhero' bathroom ended up basically looking like a normal bathroom except there were a few Superman knick knacks on top of the toilet that occasionally fell if you closed the lid wrong. Then, like mother like daughter, I would change my mind on these ridiculous decor themes and accumulate crap that fed into my 'hoarding' gene - also passed on by my parents who KEPT everything! When they finally retired, they still had my old speak n' spell because it worked and I guess you never know when you're going to need something to robotically nag at you on how to spell squirrel. I really don't know why they kept it. They claimed they kept it so I could give it to my child. Can you imagine giving an old speak n' spell to your child right now?? Or a Teddy Ruxpin with the story cassettes that go up his ass? Complete that set with a catch a ball in a cup toy and they'll never need the internet again.

Anyways, I've been pretty restrained with my condo because I'm well aware of my problem. It's an inner fight with myself to NOT buy that life size Elvis cut out at the gift shop. Where would I put that leather clad hunk?

First thought? "You could totally make your office into an Elvis shrine! And you could install a CD player that can play Elvis songs on a loop as soon as you sat down!"

If Nate Berkus could see the decor ideas in my head, he would need serious therapy afterwards or a mental scrub brush to erase the gaudy decorating taste I would leave in his soul.

I've also been restrained because from this point on, my dwellings have been rather small and I value space a teeny bit more than my penchant for room themes and useless knick knacks. A teeny tiny bit, not a lot. I may or may not have a Bob's Big Boy statue bumping shoulders with a matching set of ceramic tiki mugs on my kitchen window ledge. (head down in shame).

This house however, has space and ...gasp...an extra bedroom ..that in my head has already turned into my MADONNA themed office...with a DVD player playing Madonna videos on a LOOP! (what I've learned about myself today: Apparently I like my entertainment played on a loop!?) There's also a fully equipped bar - and of course, since viking hubby doesn't drink alcohol, in my head, that has already turned into a mini-Jamba juice smoothie bar, complete with a retro Coke advertisement above with flashing lights!

Don't even ask my head about the ideas its had for our bedroom.
Two words: Space Cowboy.

wait..three words: RETRO space cowboy.

If left to my own devices, it could get straight up Graceland II in this new house. (The Jungle room is my favorite! Sick.) - so thank you to my friend Brandie in advance for holding my hand and knocking some good taste in me.