Thursday, December 10, 2009

Yuletide Log.

And not the kind that you'd want to put into the fire either, believe me.This preggo constipation is a sick readiness program that God has concocted to train us pregnant woman to push no matter what. PUSH even when it seems like the object you are pushing has clearly settled in with the remote and doesn't plan on going anywhere.

If that's the case, if this really is a training program - I'm training HARD.
Pun is horribly intended.

Yes I'm talking about my poo. AGAIN. For regular readers, I'm sure this is no surprise, (<--- do not click on that link unless you love me very much and promise to love me even after you read it!) to others who happen to stumble onto this by accident, my apologies but you know you're going to keep reading. Black, white, yellow, old, young, short, tall, curved or straight, the whole world can relate to poo. Especially the kind of poo that has you sitting on the pot for two hours trying to pass what feels like a dry, misshaped foot.

I wonder, how the hell am I going to get this out? Clearly pushing, hysterically crying and praying isn't working. There has to be another way. Hmm, maybe if I put my leg this way and hold onto the sink like this and sing Daydream Believer by The Monkees. Ridiculous, but I try it. I try it because I'm desperate. I try it because I'm starting to get a toilet ring around the ass.

Things start to get a little frantic at about hour two. Horror stories about that chick that got stuck in the toilet for two years start to creep into my head. I can almost feel my skin embracing my dire situation and start growing around the toilet. No!!

I really don't now how I get through these ordeals. I think I pass out from exhaustion and somehow my personal Christmas presents manage to make it down the chimney because I'm still here, spinchter still intact - but just barely. Pass me the Prep-H.

I truly do apologize that I choose my blog as my main venue to rant about the yuletide logs coming out of the bunghole but it's not like I can do it anywhere else you understand? When someone asks me, oh hey girl, how's that pregnancy going? Sure I can talk about my fatigue and the nausea (that seems to be passing thank goodness) but even my socially inept self knows that when someone asks me how my pregnancy is going, they do not want to know about my rock hard droppings.

I'm sure you didn't want to either and yet here you are with horrible visuals in your head - you really are a dear dear friend. I'll release you from the clutches of disgusting thoughts and experiences now.


Take that hot shower and keep at it until all of what has been discussed here is gone.

I love you.


Cynnie said...

probiotics...they're magic poopy pills that AREN'T laxitives..
give me an addy i'll send you a bottle ..
im a firm believer in them ..
awww...a baybeh :)

Joseph said...

Oh shit, girl.

Anonymous said...

I had to take double iron vitamins so I feel your pain (LOL) My doctor recommended wheat germ on virtually everything. A tbsp or so on morning cereal or mixed in w/yogurt. After just a day or two, voila! Poopies! Also, don't strain too hard or you'll get hemis and you don't want those! And the nurse used to recommend warm lemon water (like a cup of tea w/o the tea, just the lemon) to help get things "going". Just remember, this too shall pass. (I couldn't resist!)

kim said...

Colace. As much as is allowed.

And coffee.

And Fiber One cereal.

Ugh. Sorry, dude.

SHADOW said...

I want to laugh but this is serious so this is non sarcastic advise (which, trust me, is HARD!).

Castor oil, not taken orally but inserted anally can help. A family friends baby was suffering from bad constipation earlier this year when he was a few months of age and the hospital gave her these little syringes that had oil in them (I think she refilled it with castor) and you just pop off the top, insert them just a little bit inside and shoot the oil in. Within 30 seconds he could he would poop. You can use those syringes usually used to administer liquid medicine to infants.

Also start drinking your red raspberry leaf tea. Not only is it infamous for making labor quicker and easier, I just recently learned it keeps you regular. I also second the 1st commenters recommendation on probiotics (I use the Dr. Natura brand, who also make the colonix). Its the good bacteria naturally found in your intestines in capsule form however you have to check with your Dr. 1st like all pregnant women have to before popping any pills.

I'll let you know anything else as it comes to mind, but I hope these help.

Oh I'm still waiting for you to give me your address so I can send you Lush goodies.

SHADOW said...

They wont releve constipation but they should make you feel better none the less. And soaking in the tub helps sore bums!