I was saving this story for a Friday much like today. A Friday where I don't really want to think about how a praying mantis and a eyeliner wearing douchebag could have possibly procreated. or how Tara Reid insists on showing me one horrific disfigurement after another:
Blech. Seriously. It looks like her ass suffered some erosion during the rainy season. In other words, it's a slow celebrity news week AKA I don't feel like it. But trust me...the tale I am about to tell is the stuff of legends. Grab your blankie and settle in. Here we go:
So once upon a time, on a beautiful but horribly hot day, my daughter and I decided, it was BEACH TIME! It doesn't take much for us to decide that its beach time since its only three miles away from our place. We're such beach bums we even know all the secret spots on the beach where there's hardly any foot traffic and we can pretend that the beach house behind us is really ours. So anywhoo, this day was one of those days. We packed up and went to one of our secret spots, ready for a day of sand castles and catching sand crabs.
But shortly after finishing tower one of our sand castle.
I felt it.
A rumble and a tumble in my tummy.
I ignored it and continued to work on our sand castle. We were aiming for five towers, a moat and a drawbridge so I couldn't be bothered with ....
This time it was a rumble and a tumble with a stomach cramp.
I knew what this was. This was a warning that diarrhea of the explosive kind was about to pay a visit.
Now this my not seem like a big deal in any other part of the beach where there was a plethora of bathrooms however, we were in our secret spot. A secluded part of the beach with only beach houses as far as the eye could see. No public bathroom in sight, not even a fast food restaurant where I could drop off my brown bag lunch.
I panicked for a bit, but then the cramps went away. So I thought, "Okay that wasn't really a big deal...I can hold it."
"No you can't"
"Its explosive diarrhea. Nice to meet you."
How very cordial of my diarrhea to introduce itself, I thought. It sounded reasonable enough so I tried to bargain with it.
"Look, I just got here. I can't pack up everything, walk back up that hill, strap my daughter in the carseat and go look for a bathroom. She'd freak out that we were leaving and seriously dude, WE JUST GOT HERE."
"Well that's not really my problem. I have to get out of here. Your stomach isn't exactly welcoming and I'd rather not stay around where I'm not welcome. So if you don't mind...."
CRAMPS AGAIN. Good lord, this time it was twice as bad as the first one.
"Screw you explosive diarrhea. I can breath through this! You don't know who you're dealing with motherfucker. I've been through contractions biotch. You ain't got shit! (ha) You'll just have to hang out there until we're done!"
I breathed through a couple more of them until they got so bad that even if I were to pack up our things and trek up the hill, there was no way I would make it to the car. I frantically looked at the beach houses nearby for any sign of life. Damn! They were all summer rentals and they were all vacant. I had broken out into a light sweat as I heard a smug voice inside my head,
"I told you I'd come out one way or the other, but noooo, you had to be stubborn. So now, now my friend, you are going to shit your pants right on the beach! This is truly delightful!"
I gritted my teeth and didn't say a word because explosive diarrhea was right. If I didn't find someplace soon, I was going to soil myself right here and NOW. There wasn't a lot of people on the beach but there was enough people around who would notice a brown dookie smudge on my bottoms. Frantic, I looked and I looked, and I saw a gift from God.
Someone had dug a man sized hole near some rocks!! PERFECT! I thought. I made sure my daughter was in sight (she was still busy building our sand castle), laid down into the hole like it was a beach chair, carefully laid a towel across the area that mattered, dug ANOTHER hole under my ass.....
lets just say explosive diarrhea lived up to its name.
Afterwards, I buried my unexpected surprise (along with my dignity) so no one would be the wiser. ( oh and I know what you sick bastards are thinking. Yes, I wiped....thank you baby jesus for my daughter's Kandoo wipes.) Problem solved! I felt slightly guilty that I had polluted our beautiful beach like that but I kept trying to convince myself that poop is biodegradable and would um...feed a lot of plant life ??? in the ocean??? Whatever. I had to go. It couldn't be helped! I simply had NO CHOICE! It was my shorts or the sand..and I really liked my shorts and the fact that I had gone through most of my adult life without crapping myself. I don't know if I can say the same in 40 years, but I kind of wanted to hold onto that crapping record as long as I can.
You would THINK that this is the end of my story yes? It would be a logical end to the story, but you forget who you're dealing with here.
So an hour or two had passed since "the incident" and I had almost forgotten about the whole thing. The beach was getting a teensy bit crowded, so I headed over to our stuff and started to pack things up. From the corner of my eye...I see a teenage boy....
by THE HOLE.....
WITH A SHOVEL!
Not a plastic Wal-Mart it comes with a Spongebob bucket type of shovel..oh no my friends. It was a real fucking shovel! The kind of shovel that has done its fair share of grave digging. My newly buried treasure was about to be prematurely unearthed! I froze and tried to calm myself.
Denial Laine: "Its okay, its okay, you dug it down pretty deep there's no way he is going to dig.."
Harsh Truth Laine: "Are you kidding me! That kid's digging a fucking hole to China! Of course he's going to reach your brownie pie!"
Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod. What the hell is that kid digging for???? Why can't he just build a sandcastle like everyone other kid for chrissakes?!?!?!?!
Then I saw WHY he was digging that hole....a friend of his was standing next to him. Preparing to go INTO the HOLE to be BURIED.
So not only was he going to dig out the poo but he was then going to put the poo BACK ONTO HIS FRIEND.
This was turning out to be an interesting day indeed.
Trying to cut a long story short, he must have dug past my pile or shoveled it up with a bunch of other sand because it didn't seem like he saw anything. I hightailed it out of there before he buried his friend. The sick, morbid part of me kind of wanted to see it but I didn't want to push my luck. I hadn't soiled myself, I had pooed in public without anyone noticing and it was dug back up an hour later, again with NO ONE noticing. I decided to cash my brown chips and call it a victory.
I'm disgusting and I can't hold my bowels.
Don't leave me.