Friday, August 03, 2007

Something Smells....

I was saving this story for a Friday much like today. A Friday where I don't really want to think about how a praying mantis and a eyeliner wearing douchebag could have possibly procreated. or how Tara Reid insists on showing me one horrific disfigurement after another:

Blech. Seriously. It looks like her ass suffered some erosion during the rainy season. In other words, it's a slow celebrity news week AKA I don't feel like it. But trust me...the tale I am about to tell is the stuff of legends. Grab your blankie and settle in. Here we go:

So once upon a time, on a beautiful but horribly hot day, my daughter and I decided, it was BEACH TIME! It doesn't take much for us to decide that its beach time since its only three miles away from our place. We're such beach bums we even know all the secret spots on the beach where there's hardly any foot traffic and we can pretend that the beach house behind us is really ours. So anywhoo, this day was one of those days. We packed up and went to one of our secret spots, ready for a day of sand castles and catching sand crabs.

But shortly after finishing tower one of our sand castle.
I felt it.
A rumble and a tumble in my tummy.
I ignored it and continued to work on our sand castle. We were aiming for five towers, a moat and a drawbridge so I couldn't be bothered with ....

This time it was a rumble and a tumble with a stomach cramp.
I knew what this was. This was a warning that diarrhea of the explosive kind was about to pay a visit.

Now this my not seem like a big deal in any other part of the beach where there was a plethora of bathrooms however, we were in our secret spot. A secluded part of the beach with only beach houses as far as the eye could see. No public bathroom in sight, not even a fast food restaurant where I could drop off my brown bag lunch.


I panicked for a bit, but then the cramps went away. So I thought, "Okay that wasn't really a big deal...I can hold it."
"No you can't"
"Who's that?"
"Its explosive diarrhea. Nice to meet you."

How very cordial of my diarrhea to introduce itself, I thought. It sounded reasonable enough so I tried to bargain with it.

"Look, I just got here. I can't pack up everything, walk back up that hill, strap my daughter in the carseat and go look for a bathroom. She'd freak out that we were leaving and seriously dude, WE JUST GOT HERE."

"Well that's not really my problem. I have to get out of here. Your stomach isn't exactly welcoming and I'd rather not stay around where I'm not welcome. So if you don't mind...."

CRAMPS AGAIN. Good lord, this time it was twice as bad as the first one.

"Screw you explosive diarrhea. I can breath through this! You don't know who you're dealing with motherfucker. I've been through contractions biotch. You ain't got shit! (ha) You'll just have to hang out there until we're done!"

"We'll see."

I breathed through a couple more of them until they got so bad that even if I were to pack up our things and trek up the hill, there was no way I would make it to the car. I frantically looked at the beach houses nearby for any sign of life. Damn! They were all summer rentals and they were all vacant. I had broken out into a light sweat as I heard a smug voice inside my head,
"I told you I'd come out one way or the other, but noooo, you had to be stubborn. So now, now my friend, you are going to shit your pants right on the beach! This is truly delightful!"

I gritted my teeth and didn't say a word because explosive diarrhea was right. If I didn't find someplace soon, I was going to soil myself right here and NOW. There wasn't a lot of people on the beach but there was enough people around who would notice a brown dookie smudge on my bottoms. Frantic, I looked and I looked, and I saw a gift from God.
Someone had dug a man sized hole near some rocks!! PERFECT! I thought. I made sure my daughter was in sight (she was still busy building our sand castle), laid down into the hole like it was a beach chair, carefully laid a towel across the area that mattered, dug ANOTHER hole under my ass.....
and well...
lets just say explosive diarrhea lived up to its name.

Afterwards, I buried my unexpected surprise (along with my dignity) so no one would be the wiser. ( oh and I know what you sick bastards are thinking. Yes, I wiped....thank you baby jesus for my daughter's Kandoo wipes.) Problem solved! I felt slightly guilty that I had polluted our beautiful beach like that but I kept trying to convince myself that poop is biodegradable and would um...feed a lot of plant life ??? in the ocean??? Whatever. I had to go. It couldn't be helped! I simply had NO CHOICE! It was my shorts or the sand..and I really liked my shorts and the fact that I had gone through most of my adult life without crapping myself. I don't know if I can say the same in 40 years, but I kind of wanted to hold onto that crapping record as long as I can.

You would THINK that this is the end of my story yes? It would be a logical end to the story, but you forget who you're dealing with here.

So an hour or two had passed since "the incident" and I had almost forgotten about the whole thing. The beach was getting a teensy bit crowded, so I headed over to our stuff and started to pack things up. From the corner of my eye...I see a teenage boy....
by THE HOLE.....
Not a plastic Wal-Mart it comes with a Spongebob bucket type of shovel..oh no my friends. It was a real fucking shovel! The kind of shovel that has done its fair share of grave digging. My newly buried treasure was about to be prematurely unearthed! I froze and tried to calm myself.
Denial Laine: "Its okay, its okay, you dug it down pretty deep there's no way he is going to dig.."
Harsh Truth Laine: "Are you kidding me! That kid's digging a fucking hole to China! Of course he's going to reach your brownie pie!"

Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod. What the hell is that kid digging for???? Why can't he just build a sandcastle like everyone other kid for chrissakes?!?!?!?!

Then I saw WHY he was digging that hole....a friend of his was standing next to him. Preparing to go INTO the HOLE to be BURIED.


So not only was he going to dig out the poo but he was then going to put the poo BACK ONTO HIS FRIEND.

This was turning out to be an interesting day indeed.

Trying to cut a long story short, he must have dug past my pile or shoveled it up with a bunch of other sand because it didn't seem like he saw anything. I hightailed it out of there before he buried his friend. The sick, morbid part of me kind of wanted to see it but I didn't want to push my luck. I hadn't soiled myself, I had pooed in public without anyone noticing and it was dug back up an hour later, again with NO ONE noticing. I decided to cash my brown chips and call it a victory.

I'm disgusting and I can't hold my bowels.
I'm sorry.
Don't leave me.


Jenessa said...

Elaine...I was laughing so hard I cried....I have soo felt like that before....although I packed up and left...I'm so not as brave as you!!!

mel said...

Pooping in public. Wow, you got balls girl!! I would have packed up and left, screaming kid and all.

karen said...

You are too too great and funny as hell too. I once was ambushed by explosive diarrhea on a long empty road in the midst of rocky hills, with just enough traffic to make digging a hole and squatting a roll of the going-to-jail-for-indecent-exposure dice. It was dusk, I had a roll of tattered TP in the glove compartment, and I was about to crap the seat of my car. So I did it. Ohhhhh the relief. And I didn't go to jail either...not yet anyway.

Lizzle said...

Don't leave you? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I couldn't leave you if I tried. You just earned so many awesome points in my book!

(I gotta tell you, I've done the public poo and gotten away with it... There is something vaguely humiliating and yet pride inducing about it at the same time, for sure!)

SHADOW said...

This is why I LOVE YOU. You are absolutely bat shit and unapologetically crazy.

There is no way this story can be true. Funny, but not true. No way no how.

PS: If it is true, go Vegan! Your body won't rebel against you!

karaoke queen said...

LOLOLOLOL! Ohmigod! Good on ya. I think I would've panicked.

Webmiztris said...

lmfao! this is almost too funny to be true! maybe it was a phantom poo and it never really existed except in your own mind....LOL yeah, that's it! I can't believe they dug a hole there. I mean, there's the entire beach and they dig up the one hole you shat in? lol!!!

Elaine said...

People people...if I was to make up a story about myself, it would probably run along the lines of being inside a brangelina sandwich. WHY OH WHY would i make up a story about pooping myself in public? As if my good name isn't tarnished enough by this blog...hehehe.
But no, TRUE STORY. I'll go show you the hole and everything...

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Great story, Elaine. So glad I came here today.

BTW, I ALWAYS have at least 2 chewable Pepto Bismol tablets in my car's glove box.

I've been were you were before!

panda_eyed said...

Ohhh I laughed so hard, but I felt your pain, Elaine! I once had the same problem on a secluded spanish beach and had to walk about 20 miles before I found a bathroom. Okay slight exaggeration there, but it was an hour walk! With cramps!
I think I might have waited to see if the boy got covered in poo though.. maybe from the car.. just out of curiosity, y'know..? :)

Lizzle said...

in addition to my earlier comment, I would like to add that you have received yet another blogging award. Stop by my blog and check out the "Active Procrastination" post.

tinakala said...

There`s a good point in this story. If you`re digging a hole, dig it until its`s ready. Otherwise someone might crap in it. Or something.

J. said...

And I thought crapping my shorts last week was bad.
You got me beat.
But at least you still have your shorts. I'm still pissed at that.

Is there something in the air? We're all getting the shits? WTF?

Kristi said...

OH. MY. BLOG. I've got nothing. That story...pooping in a hole...nothing.

karaoke queen said...

UPDATE. The hubby nearly crapped his pants laughing so hard as he was reading this story. Hehe.