Toasted Hot Leather Sandwich: Hold The Mayo!

To my darling hot ginger baby/ recurring rash,

Oh Mr. Manilow Mr. Aiken. I just wanted you to know that you do me proud mister! Just when I thought that you weren’t all man, you go and knock up grandma at the ol’ folks home! At first I wondered if she put on a fake mustache and lowered her voice to trick you into it. But then I heard you knocked her up turkey baster style!! You got the mayo on without touching the roast beef sandwich (or breaking her hip)! Brilliant. How that mayo was actually produced I have no idea, but I do know that a JUGGS magazine probably wasn’t part of the process. (Although I do get the feeling that somewhere, a shirtless Marky Mark poster is curled up in the corner of a bathtub, crying while taking a scalding hot shower.) And who knew that listening to all those Celine Dion cds and watching Beaches would help give you potent man seeds? Potent enough to be able to wake up eggs that probably expired sometime in 1982. Although, I’m not surprised, I’m sure your little swimmers made a hell of a lot noise when they realize they were swimming down the wrong pipe.

“Okay, Tom!? Do you have the map? ! My directions say nothing about a fork in the road! What is this!? We better find this party soon because my heels are killing me.”

I am ashamed that I even once question your manhood you virile thing you!
Play on playah!!!

With Love,

Yo Momma


To My Dearest 19 year old (?) Man Boy dating Linda Hogan,

You know it’s really nice that your nanny took you down to Rite Aid and bought you the same Revlon hair bleach that she uses (Trailer Hitch Blonde #223 to be exact) so you guys can be all matchy matchy and shit but I don’t think dry humping her leathery thigh is an appropriate thank you, do you?

Need I remind you that she’s seen Brooke Hogan naked and that bitch is HUNG, so you’ve got a lot to live up to. A more thoughtful thank you would have been buying her a Costco sized case of sunscreen or moisturizer to smear on herself STAT! Because slowly but surely, it appears as if Linda Hogan is looking more and more like the dried up skin on the back of my ankles.

But hey, if you like swinging your wiffle ball bat into a catcher’s mitt with dry rot, that’s your business. Maybe it’s good for her, what do I know? I guess when your son’s in jail a good way to deal with the pain is to screw a guy that kind of looks...........like.....your....son (?)

I must have misspelled a word somewhere because something about that last sentence made me vomit a little in my mouth.

With love,

Yo Momma (and NO I will not go to Chuck E. Cheese with you!)


To my Dearest Christina,

You know, I never got a chance to say congratulations on your boobs baby. Motherhood is a beautiful and yet udderly terrifying thing all at the same time. It’s like when you first hold that precious baby in our arms and look at the blue veins running across your lopsided implants their beautiful eyes, you know all that pain and pushing was worth it. All of a sudden you forget how to button up your shirt tired you are and you’re energy is renewed. You realize that you have enough silicon to keep Intel in business for years the love for your child is something that’s indescribable.

No really, congratulations. There really is nothing better than inappropriately flashing your milk filled implants to strangers and temporarily blinding them with their sheer hideousness being a parent.

Mazel! Mazel!

With Love,

Yo Momma


To My Darling Hugh Jackman,

I don't really have a letter for him, I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of him playing with his little friend.

You're welcome.

Now go have a lovely weekend and get off my lawn you!