Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Only Jesse Spano Would Understand How I Feel...

You ever feel like someone took a Hershey squirt in your bowl of cereal? I'm feeling that way today and I have no idea why. I guess one could theorize that my bad eating habits, lack of exercise and staying out way too late this past Friday, (courtesy of my childhood idol/girlie crush, who gallivants the globe so when she's actually in town, we -or more like I - try to stretch the visit out as much as we can and this time two small bottles of Sake got involved in our efforts. *run on...deep breath..aandd go) are to blame. But I refuse to believe this "Whole Foods Propaganda."
No, I blame my sluggishness on Mario Lopez.

Yes, that's right. AC Slater. Is it just me or is this dog turd EVERYWHERE I turn nowadays? I love that MTV Dance Crew show so I KNOW I have to put up with him there, but recently People magazine had the nerve to name him the most eligible bachelor?! Bachelor? Sure. "Eligible" ...I guess if by eligible you mean manwhore who'd hump an open wound.

Whoa whoa whoa, midget,! you say, Why so much bitterness for Mr. Lopez?

It all started with him confusing my natural instinct to ogle at men with wonderful bodies. The Saved By The Bell days didn't count because he really wasn't that built yet and he was totally rockin' the Soul Glo curl. Schexy.


But later, he cut the Jermaine Jackson do' and got ripped which accentuated those dimples on his face that are so deep they're practically gashes. All that combined SHOULD have made him a very attractive man, and yet still...something about him gave me the pre-vomit salty mouth.


*dry heaves*

He then married the Doritos girl, Ali Landry, for five minutes which she then had annulled when she found out that he was free wheelin' his little AC Slater at his bachelor party. And then after that he turned into a full fledged man whore, which upped his repulsive points. (but I guess People Magazine deem that as "eligible.")

there's also all that OBVIOUS gallivanting of his abs, which I guess you could say Matthew McConaughey does too, but I honestly think Matthew isn't a t-shirt kind of guy (naked bongos anyone?). But with AC Soul Glo, I get the feeling he's so ego driven that his muscles don't respond to weights, they respond to attention. A girl looking at him adds about an inch to his chest, a gay guy ogling him tightens his buns......


please lookit me! I need to bulk up my calves!

and finally, there was this:


And to that I say: HOW DARE YOU SIR!? I had that poster of Marky Mark on my ceiling when I was in high school. I credit it with helping me become a woman and like my theory on Mario's muscles, this poster alone brought me to one full cup size on my bra. For A.C. Slutwhore to even THINK he could come close to the sexiness of Marky Mark and his funky bunches is ridiculous and for him to ATTEMPT to do it is absolute SACRILEGE!
BLASPHEME!!!

So, no - I don't blame this on my diet and lifestyle, the blame goes to Mario Lopez. Too much of him can make you feel under stimulated, cause salty mouth, and make you write nonsensical blog posts.

Crap.

I wonder if overexposure to AC Slater is covered by my insurance?

5 comments:

Immoral Matriarch said...

I have a question. Is his hair straight naturally, or curly?

And I'd never seen that Calvin Klein ad. I'm disgusted. No one can do it like Marky Mark. But those dimples *are* ridiculous.

kat said...

Mario Slate totally skeeves me out too. And that whole "appropriating Marky Mark" pose is definitely an abomination! An abomination!

but yes, i have to put up with his sliminess on America's Best Dance Crew. I just heart that show.

kat said...

I meant Mario Lopez! Hhaha...Or rather Mario Slater (as I think of him in my head)...

Caroline said...

I think the man stuffs. Just sayin'.

Lizzle said...

UGH... He's slimier than his jheri curl of yore.

Give me Marky Mark and his funky bunches any ol time!