Thursday, August 23, 2007

U N UR Hand

Remember the opening credits of Family Ties? The one where there's a portrait of the family and some heavy handed jackass starts painting Elise's dress with A. too much red paint and B. the wrong type of brush.
This'll jog your memory:

As far as I know, I'm the only psycho that got annoyed by this because by the time the opening credits were finished, they showed this beautifully painted portrait of the family. I remember sitting there completely annoyed because I KNOW that couldn't have possibly been done by the unseen, obviously never painted before in his/her life hand they showed in the beginning. I mentioned this to a friend once (her name was Angela Bower people. No joke. I can't tell you the plethora of Who's The Boss jokes I bombarded that girl with. I'm pretty sure she's in therapy now because of it.) Anywhoo, I mentioned it to Angela and she was like, "Who cares?"
I told Angela to get the hell out of my house and don't forget to tell Mona I said hi.

I wonder what happened to that hand? For sure that hand wouldn't have gotten a job as the Country Crock talking hand, it would have violated the toast by buttering it way too hard.

Another useless thing I'm passionate about is regarding the many artist renderings of Superman. In case we ever meet and just so you know, Superman is suppose to look like this:

THAT my friend was drawn by a brilliant man name John Byrne. That's the Superman I fell in love with at the comic book store and THAT is what Superman is SUPPOSE to look like. Strong jaw, dimpled chin, thick neck, thighs you can just sink your teeth in (am I getting sexual over a cartoon??!? Why yes. Yes I am.).
Please don't argue with me and please don't EVER say you like long haired Superman:

Because I will scratch your eyes right out.

Finally, (yes, I'm ending the post waaaay before you even begin to figure out where exactly I'm trying to go with this.) Just because you can pick up some brushes, paints and discount canvasses at Michaels does not make you an artist. Because you can splotch together some colors on a piece of canvas does NOT make you an artist. I paint too bitch, but I don't call myself an artist even though I'm pretty proud of this sorry piece:

You know WHY I don't call myself an artist? Because that painting above took me FOREVER to complete and it's only a tad bit bigger than a sheet of paper. Plus, look how I don't know how to draw hands...I cover it up by blurring that shiz or hiding it behind something and I have a very vague idea on how to draw things near and far. Look at that guy's right arm.
I like to call him Stubby.
I also don't call myself an artist because I'm so NOT original enough to think of an "image" in my head and "bring it to life" on canvas. I see a picture I like and I try to draw it. (I got that one above from a old movie poster). Big whoop. It's a hobby. I am by no means an "artist."
Another reason why I don't call myself an artist, because I grew up with my brother who draws shit like THIS people:

Oh yeah, and that was a "quick sketch" he did or some shit to "warm up his hand." Talented motherfucker. I couldn't draw THAT even if you promised me that I'd make sweet sweet love to Madonna if I did. (Visual of me drawing frantically and erasing frantically while crying and wiping snot because my chance to sleep with the hottest geriatric is slipping away....)
My brother also makes a very good living by drawing. Like people pay him and shit to yes, I think you can safely say HE is an artist.

So please, before you sell your "artwork" on ebay and defile T-shirts with it thinking you can make a buck or two on Cafepress...look at my brother's "sketch" and then look at your paint by numbers "ooh I made a turkey from a tracing of my hand" painting and stop calling yourself an artist. Stop.

Yes that last part was directed at someone and no I won't say who. You nosy old lady.

On a totally different note, like omigod did you guys like totally watch The Hills??? WTF is Audrina doing dating, what can only be described as a clean shaven Geico caveman? Did you smell the bowl of bullshit he was giving her when she tried to break up with him?
"I accept who you are and the heart you have..."
(gurgle. Vomit.)
And what does she do??
She smiles, accepts the bowl of bullshit and licks it clean.
Dumb broad.

Don't get me started on Heidi and Spence......simply put:
Painting GRAFFITI on my apartment wall = your pale wrinkly sacks in a ziplock bag.

Okay, That's IT. That's all I'm going to say about The Hills because it is sad, pathetic and yet so many of you are just itching to talk about it with others like I am, but embarrassed because you know...we're like grown ups (kind of) talking about some scripted reality show on MTV.


It's a lot like admitting you watch porn...only with a lot less credibility and worse acting.


Webmiztris said...

I know the artist thing isn't directed towards me....I can't even claim to draw stick figures well! it sucks! your painting is pretty good minus his stubby arm. but who knows? maybe the guy has a birth defect and you painted it perfectly?? ;)

Elaine said...

Girl it was SOO not directed at you. It was directed at someone who probably doesn't even read my blog. ;p

But yeah, I like to think that the guy did have a stubby arm to begin with! LOL!

Jenessa said...

Okay so I think I know who this "artist" is....I'll ask you next friday when I see you...I totally agree with the whole Hills thing...why are we watching it...and so addicted...

Edwin Rosell said...

You should have someone look into that ADD of yours. :D
Thanks for the heads up Laine and I would totally buy a comic book full of stubby heroes.

karen said...

Lanie baby, I'm thinking this is you, cleverly disguised by your brother as a...vampire?
Plus I can so totally picture you pooping all over the beach with that look on your face!
You have such an awesome blog baby!

Miss-Informed said...

I am too addicted at this point to be ashamed. Like totally move over Lindsey Lohan cause I needs me some "rehab". Total addict. The acting is shady...but I don't seem to care. I am completely buying into everything. Even the ring from the purse store...
Until next week, america.
Until next week...

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

Family ties rocked. I've also recently discovered that tbs has Different Strokes on in the afternoons. Wickeeed.

I'll have to check out The Hills next time its on. I still cant decide if that "I accept who you are and the heart you have..." is totally genius or completely retarded.

jali said...

I'm stunned by the awesomeness of the midge! You ARE an artist - that 8x11 or whatever is great. Not fair that you get to be witty, funny and artistic all at the same time.

My word verification just made my day!!! "usxcky" which is obviously telling me that I'm sexy - Even the net knows!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Your posts are always such a spectacle, Elaine.

And I'll never admit to watching porn. It's exotic art. Not porn.

Madonna said...

Long-haired Superman doesn't bother me as much as he bothers you, but I feel your pain. I have the same reaction everytime I see costumeless Wonder Woman of the 60's and early 70's. Yeah, we were supposed to believe this kung fu Diana Prince in white was Wonder Woman. Uhhh... No.

I had never really had an issue with the too-red paint on Elise during the opening of Family Ties. It did irk me, though, that it looked like the bodyless hand put that streak of paint OUTSIDE the line where her right shoulder is supposed to be, though...

Who's The Boss? Ugh. Family Ties kicked WTB's ass any day of the week, and twice on Sunday. That show jumped the shark fifteen minutes before it hit the air.

And, is it just me, or does it seem like Tony Danza just can't play a character not named Tony?