U N UR Hand

Remember the opening credits of Family Ties? The one where there's a portrait of the family and some heavy handed jackass starts painting Elise's dress with A. too much red paint and B. the wrong type of brush.
This'll jog your memory:





As far as I know, I'm the only psycho that got annoyed by this because by the time the opening credits were finished, they showed this beautifully painted portrait of the family. I remember sitting there completely annoyed because I KNOW that couldn't have possibly been done by the unseen, obviously never painted before in his/her life hand they showed in the beginning. I mentioned this to a friend once (her name was Angela Bower people. No joke. I can't tell you the plethora of Who's The Boss jokes I bombarded that girl with. I'm pretty sure she's in therapy now because of it.) Anywhoo, I mentioned it to Angela and she was like, "Who cares?"
I told Angela to get the hell out of my house and don't forget to tell Mona I said hi.

I wonder what happened to that hand? For sure that hand wouldn't have gotten a job as the Country Crock talking hand, it would have violated the toast by buttering it way too hard.

Another useless thing I'm passionate about is regarding the many artist renderings of Superman. In case we ever meet and just so you know, Superman is suppose to look like this:



THAT my friend was drawn by a brilliant man name John Byrne. That's the Superman I fell in love with at the comic book store and THAT is what Superman is SUPPOSE to look like. Strong jaw, dimpled chin, thick neck, thighs you can just sink your teeth in (am I getting sexual over a cartoon??!? Why yes. Yes I am.).
Please don't argue with me and please don't EVER say you like long haired Superman:



Because I will scratch your eyes right out.

Finally, (yes, I'm ending the post waaaay before you even begin to figure out where exactly I'm trying to go with this.) Just because you can pick up some brushes, paints and discount canvasses at Michaels does not make you an artist. Because you can splotch together some colors on a piece of canvas does NOT make you an artist. I paint too bitch, but I don't call myself an artist even though I'm pretty proud of this sorry piece:


You know WHY I don't call myself an artist? Because that painting above took me FOREVER to complete and it's only a tad bit bigger than a sheet of paper. Plus, look how I don't know how to draw hands...I cover it up by blurring that shiz or hiding it behind something and I have a very vague idea on how to draw things near and far. Look at that guy's right arm.
I like to call him Stubby.
I also don't call myself an artist because I'm so NOT original enough to think of an "image" in my head and "bring it to life" on canvas. I see a picture I like and I try to draw it. (I got that one above from a old movie poster). Big whoop. It's a hobby. I am by no means an "artist."
Another reason why I don't call myself an artist, because I grew up with my brother who draws shit like THIS people:



Oh yeah, and that was a "quick sketch" he did or some shit to "warm up his hand." Talented motherfucker. I couldn't draw THAT even if you promised me that I'd make sweet sweet love to Madonna if I did. (Visual of me drawing frantically and erasing frantically while crying and wiping snot because my chance to sleep with the hottest geriatric is slipping away....)
My brother also makes a very good living by drawing. Like people pay him and shit to draw...so yes, I think you can safely say HE is an artist.

So please, before you sell your "artwork" on ebay and defile T-shirts with it thinking you can make a buck or two on Cafepress...look at my brother's "sketch" and then look at your paint by numbers "ooh I made a turkey from a tracing of my hand" painting and stop calling yourself an artist. Stop.

Yes that last part was directed at someone and no I won't say who. You nosy old lady.

On a totally different note, like omigod did you guys like totally watch The Hills??? WTF is Audrina doing dating, what can only be described as a clean shaven Geico caveman? Did you smell the bowl of bullshit he was giving her when she tried to break up with him?
"I accept who you are and the heart you have..."
(gurgle. Vomit.)
And what does she do??
She smiles, accepts the bowl of bullshit and licks it clean.
Dumb broad.

Don't get me started on Heidi and Spence......simply put:
Painting GRAFFITI on my apartment wall = your pale wrinkly sacks in a ziplock bag.

Okay, That's IT. That's all I'm going to say about The Hills because it is sad, pathetic and yet so many of you are just itching to talk about it with others like I am, but embarrassed because you know...we're like grown ups (kind of) talking about some scripted reality show on MTV.

Sad.

It's a lot like admitting you watch porn...only with a lot less credibility and worse acting.