Monday, August 27, 2007

Work Schmurk! Get me another Mai Tai!

I've decided to dip my toe back into the warm stagnant pool of the workforce. Granted, I haven't been completely out of the work force, but I work at home and lately, with so little hours clocked in, I get slightly embarrassed when I tell people I "work."
I love my job and the pay is great; however, that all amounts to not a damn thing when you're clocking in 15 hours a week. I am grateful for landing this job because it allowed me to stay at home with the munchkin, which was the whole reason I took my ass out of the work force in the first place.

But now the munchkin tires of me and longs to play with other children that don't annoy her like the big one at home she calls "mom." We found a school nearby that had a large facility and a small amount of students. The teachers seemed to know their stuff and were on the older side (ie: no college students working part time w/ Monday morning hangovers. Oooh listen to me! I'm OLD!) they actually had a nice curriculum (is molding blue Play-Doh into the Statue of David too much? I didn't think so either.) and best of all the monthly payments were decent, as in I didn't have to go and get a job as the cow that hooks the corner for Chick-Fil-A.

So with her off to preschool, I decided it would benefit our financial situation greatly if I got another job. At first, I decided to make dust off my degree in FASHAWN (fashion) and applied to several modeling agencies, I got a call from two and the haughty tone in their voice (ummm, you're a receptionist. Relax Rockefeller.) reminded me of why I had decided not to go down that path after college. (the business of beauty is really quite ugly.)

I put my degree back into its cave, for yet another couple years of hibernation and decided to look for a job that I can do in my sleep with no stress. I figured this was just for extra cash, no need to have an ulcer over it.

I came up with two things I can do in my sleep, which might be beneficial to the workforce.
One of which is typing.
Yeah. I know. Big whoop. But I actually like to type (oh the sweet sound of the keyboard's clickity clack. Heaven I tell ya) so it wouldn't be like working at all and at 90 words per minute, I'm sure there's a company out there that can make use of my cracked out typing skillz.
So whooosh!...I sent off my resume to as many repetitive data entry positions I could possibly find.

The second thing I love to do even more than typing and I can do until the end of time is talking. I'm what I like to call a "talking technician," ..a yammering yoda you might say. I think a tour guide would be the easiest job in the world for me. My dream job has always been to steal this job from this lucky bitch. She must die retire so the era of the traveling midget can begin and be watched by millions on the Travel Channel.

But that's a long term goal, back to my short, misguided ones...

I took a chance and typed in "tour guide" and found two that I applied for. The one I'm hoping that I'll get is to be a tour guide on one of those double decker buses. It drives around the San Diego sights, I get to babble to my hearts content for the poor saps that are stuck with me for the ride. Another one was to be a personal tour guide for San Diego for wealthy investors and their families. It supplies you with a company vehicle, pretty damn good hourly rate and of course the tips were supposedly amazing. It sounds to good to be true but I shot off my resume anyways trying to ignore the voice in my head that screamed out,

"Are you NUTS?!?! You're can't DRIVE AND TALK at the same time!!!"

I ignored it.
Much like I ignore my left blinker for at least a mile and half before I realize I still have it on and all the cars around me give me the finger. I do the "I'm Asian" shrug and wave at them.

But that's another post for another time.

Now gimme your good luck vibes and then get off my lawn.


karen said...

Hope for the typing job...apply for the Tap Dancing Cow for Chik-fil-a just in case...and hire a cheap-ass high-school dropout driver if you get the drive-n-talk job...make sure to duct tape the kid's mouth shut and draw some fake lips on the tape before starting the tour. You may want to carry a taser just in case the little bastard goes berserk too. And remember before this goes too matter what your deceitful brain is saying now...ALL JOBS SUCK EVENTUALLY (and by eventually, I mean within 2 or 3 days). May the poop be with you, oblivious taser knight.

Elaine said...

karen: well the double decker bus tour guide job, I don't have to drive. I just talk. So that would be ideal. I agree that all jobs suck eventually because deep down, all we really want to do is sleep in while the check comes in the mail!

Maybe I should just go play the lotto

jali said...

Why not pitch a show (similar to What Not to Wear with Stacy and Quentin) aimed at those without unlimited budgets:"Hell No Bitch, Come To Target With Me Immediately, You Look Like Crap in That Dress".

You can utilize your degree in Fawhhun and you can help the needy.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Process rebates. That'll be good.

Maybe you can find the $150 Circuit SHitty owes me!

Webmiztris said...

tour guide! I bet that would be fun.....good luck!

karen said...

I just noticed that Madonna lookes like someone hooked her up to a bunch of car batteries and turned 'em all on at once. The woman is a spaz. Only time I ever saw her look graceful and composed was while doing yoga on Rosie the lesbian's show one time. This has got to be the strangest planet EVER. Totally.

Elaine said...

karen: You obviously haven't been to one her concerts. that ol' spaz hag is pretty darn graceful....and has a great ass.

Madonna said...

Is there anything about Madonna that isn't great? She is our queen, after all...

Work, though, on the other hand... Ugh. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Though, if we could get jobs working for Madonna (surely Madonna needs someone to keep her shoes and boots clean and shiny, no?), I'd be quite happy...

Good luck re-entering the work force!