Friday, June 22, 2007

FLF Part Four Of Four: Mange and Ninjas...something we need every Friday!

Dear Justin Timberlake,

Remington.
Gillette.
Schick.

These are but a few names for a little handy dandy tool I like to call a razor. And razors are for ?????…(anyone? Class?)…

They're for SHAVING……
…the hair…
…off your neck.
Oh sure George Michael made it look *fabulously* hip to sport a five o’clock shadow in the early nineties (post-Wham, when he evolved from being a twink to a bear..remember? ….and no, of course I’ve never seen gay porn! whyever do you ask?!?)
But you see, when growing a hip happenin’ five o'clock shadow for vanity’s sake, there are still some grooming to be done and rules to follow. One of them being that your facial hair border should pretty much stop miles away from chest hairville. (The other rule is to make sure there is a thin but visible moat between nose hair land and mustache place, lest you want your boogers to repel right into your mouth.)
These rules were set forth for your benefit and ours (because you know, we have to look at you now and again). Should you choose to ignore these rules you pretty much end up looking like you do now, a really tall 13 year old with a bad case of mange.
No actually, upon closer investigation, you look more like a old fuzzy lollipop that someone finds behind their couch after it’s been sitting there for five years collecting dust, hair, bugs, rug fuzz, bits of pube hair thrown in…...(Aaaaand BREATH..I can't seem to find the period button today.)
what?..it could happen if your couch was close to the bathroom! Those things can travel.

So anyways, I don’t care if Jessica likes the way it tickles her balls.
It’s time to shave Mr. Lollipube.

(ogod, Lollipube. That was pure cheese ladies and gents. I apologize)

Love, Me.

Dear J-Lo,

So um…don’t be fooled by the rocks that you got?..you’re still Jenny from the….uh…
..local karate dojo down the street????
I like karate as much as the next gal but I’m pretty sure you can’t do a lot of whoop ass when you pair a toddler’s karate gi with one of Ru Paul’s gold shoes.
UNLESS……
you got sharp little gold knives hidden in the heel!!!
Omigod its all coming together now!
And let me guess…those bangles, when thrown, have sharp needle points that come out from the sides that give emergency botox shots from ten feet away!
OOH OOH! And your clutch is filled with fog bombs so that you can quickly disappear from the paparazzi! (or from your husband, Nosferatu’s sexual advances.).

You are SO J-Blow Ninja from the block! My bad. Hey, whatever you gotta do to get that career revived, you just go ahead and do it.

Oh and we get it, you’re so sexy with your“sexy pose”…you can close your mouth now.

Love, Me.


Okay, I only got two in me today, sorry…as you can tell from that last J-Lo letter, I’m running low on the clever meter having attempted to do FLF four days in a row. I've come to the realization that I can only be clever one day out of the week.
I avoided the obvious Paris/Lindsey/Brit/Nicole letter because they’ve crossed beyond amusing to plain ol’ boring. I wish they could all take turns hitting each other with hammers. That would at least provide us with entertainment.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!

EDIT: I've jumped the shark people. So it is time to make your own Fan Letter, courtesy of Candy Spelling and Gallery Of The Absurd.com.
Post in the comments section if you please. It will probably be a lot more clever than that garbage I wrote above.
(Click on the ready made letter below)

5 comments:

Madonna said...

I still prefer my idea of sending Justin Timberlake to Pluto - and leaving him there.

But that's just me.

Miss-Informed said...

Didn't you hear? JLo is so awesome she farts gold dust and poops gold nuggets. Or is it fools gold? Maybe she is warning us...
"Don't be FOOLED by the rocks that I got..."
Hmmm.

Just a thought.

Webmiztris said...

i actually like Justin....LOL I know! It's so embarrasing, but I can't help it! But yeah. he's definitely starting to look a bit burly.... :)

Kristi said...

Check out how JT is looking at what's-her-name. LOOKING at her. He's hawt. That's all I've got to say about that.

Elaine said...

Madonna: heh, i think his head would be too big for pluto

miss-informed: she poops gold nuggets?? Oh to be her toilet!

webmiztris: No, I like some of Justin's music too, but he's strikes me as extremely arrogant OH and I will never get over the fact that he entered a pageant when he was like 10 and then CRIED when he won. whoo boy.

kristi: Meh. I could take or leave JT. but I def can see why people think he's hot.