Monday, June 25, 2007

Sleeping & Circus Peanuts = Midget Drool

I saw this meme on Tinakala’s and Webmiztris' blog. Even though I wasn’t tagged, I thought I’d tag my own ass and take it because A. I’m horrified by the mediocrity that was last week’s Fan Letter Friday and I don't want that sorry ass post at the top of my blog, B. because when an opportunity arises where I can tag my own ass, I just can't say no and C. I’m trying to avoid my workout.
(so if you hear me bitch about "those last few pounds" please redirect me to this post and tell me to shut up and step away from those circus peanuts.)
mmm… circus peanuts……orange sugary goodness made of god knows what…yum.

My Six Sleeping Commandments:

1. Thou shalt have the fan on.
Not necessarily pointing at me, but I like to hear the whirring noise. I blame this all on the Viking hubby. He’s always hot so we always have the fan on. ALWAYS…even when it’s negative zero outside, that fan IS ALWAYS on and blowing right at his face.

2. Thou Shalt Have The Closet Door CLOSED.
Yes I’m scared of the closet monster. This is because I read way too many Stephen King books (and horror novels in general) AND I still have the imagination of a 9 year old. Plus, I have to walk by the closet when I go on a midnight pee pee run. I’m already scared that the kid from The Grudge is in the bathtub, watching me pee and waiting to pounce, I just don’t need the extra stress of the closet monster.

3. Thy Bedroom Should Be Cleaneth.
Or semi clean…nothing on the floor at least. Because if it’s messy, I just can't sleep. I’ll be laying there and Viking hubby’s undies will call at me from across the room:
"I’m dirrrrtyyy and just a mere few feet away from the hammmpeerrr..put me awaaaayyyy with the rest of my dirty clothe brethren."

4. Thou Shalt Not Sleep In Thine Birthday Suit
I cannot sleep naked or near naked. If I’m naked I feel as if my hoo ha is extremely vulnerable to the outside world…specifically any creepy crawlies of any kind. No, I don’t have bed bugs or anything but you’ve heard of that true/or not true fact that an average person unknowingly eats X (5 or 6, cannot remember) amount of spiders a year while they sleep?
I don’t care if it isn’t true, I’m not taking a chance. Hand over those pajamas STAT. Spiders are not welcome at my Hotbox Hotel.

5. Thou Shalt Cradle The Sweater Meat
If you're a regular reader of my blog, you know I have a wierd thing about keeping my boobs UP. The only time I am ever without a bra is when I sleep, so I MANUALLY support my girls when I sleep. I sleep on my side so it’s not that hard to do the one arm support. I rarely if ever sleep on my back because I hate the flattening sensation that gravity gives to my they’re being pushed towards my armpits. UGH. I cringe at the mere thought of it.

6. Thou Shalt Lay A Foundation For Thine Dreams
To ensure that I have a good dream, I usually like to kickstart them by daydreaming a bit before I nod off. I usually think of things that would please me (a million dollars and a bag of circus peanuts for example), I daydream about the trips I would take, where I would go, what I would do. I daydream about outlandish things like becoming a rock star…with my accordion, having dinner with Madonna who is then so enamored by me we’re like totally BFF after our second round of cocktails.
Like Totally.
For sure.
(Along with the imagination of a 9 year old, I also have the unwavering belief of a nine year old that all these dreams are totally going to come matter how outrageous they are.)

So there you go.
Yet more evidence for the court that I need a nice padded room.
Also, feel free to tag your own ass with the sleeping commandments meme if you feel the need.

And finally I leave you with today’s Monday Wake-Up quiz. See if you can answer this pickle:


Webmiztris said...

lmao! the answer is G (all of the above)! poor rick astley. he was such a dork...LOL

I sleep with nothing but a t-shirt on in the summer, so now i'm worried I have spider babies living in my va-jay-jay. oh, the horror!!

Amber said...

My BF sleeps with the fan pointing DIRECTLY at him every night!! I am still getting used to the noise and the heat from sleeping in a FULL size bed. Lord help me.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

While I'm glad to learn more about you and your sleeping habits, I'm most thankful for introducing me to a new term: sweater meat.

I love it!

Riss said...

I am so jacking this. I have a few of your commandments though.

Miss-Informed said...

Cradling the boobage!!! That had to take some training. I am fond of sleeping in the nude but now you have me reconsidering...and slightly concerned about eating insects in my sleep.

tinakala said...

Spider muesli, yum. And - if you´re taking such good care of your boobs, I they`re big. I go braless most of the time because there`s actually nothing to put in there.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I think Rick Astley was the red haired kid in Kate and Alley.

Tug said...

Spiders in the Hotbox Hotel...I'll never sleep nude again.


Madonna said...

G, of course. I am, after all, a product of the 80's (as if we couldn't tell). :P

Has it really been 20 years since Rick Astley hit the charts? Wow...

Seriously, I almost fainted the first time I saw his video. You'd hear his voice, you'd picture someone that looked like Luther Vandross or something... Instead, he winds up looking like Richie Cunningham or something.

I have a friend who is the same way about a fan running when he sleeps. Doesn't matter if it's 30 degrees (he'll just turn the fan away from him). He can't sleep without that thing wizzing.