Thursday, June 21, 2007

Fan Letter Four Day Part Three: I thought her eggs dried up a long time ago...


Dear Nicole Richie’s possible future baby,

Oh dear sweet child. I feel compelled to write you a letter as soon as possible to tell you to please HOLD ON to whatever food you happen to get in there. Hold on to it you’re your dear life, even if it's just a dry old piece of toast, ration it out girlfriend! Because although we see pictures of your mom getting ready to “eat” a huge piece of cake or “devour” an entire turkey in one sitting, I’m pretty sure she’s just eating the garnishment, nibbles on the corner of her napkin when the paps leave and calling it a day.
Apparently, she doesn’t have an eating disorder and blames her Praying Mantis-like figure on “stress.”
Sweetie, I’ve been out of the partying scene for quite some time, but I can’t help but wonder if this “stress” she’s talking about comes in the form of a powdery substance that comes in a small baggy which can then be snorted or injected.
But again, what do I know? I am but a middle class, work at home mom. What do I know about stress indeed??
Really, I have no place to judge.
But I am in a wonderful position to inform you of the shady characters that you might encounter upon your entrance to the world. So here's a few you should be wary of....

Auntie Paris: Don’t get too close to her until you get your shots dear. And even then, proceed with caution, she’s got some evil pets down south that can jump right on you.

Daddy Joel Madden: Sorry girl, Real men don’t wear make up and they don’t play god awful music, and unfortunately, you daddy does both of those things. So if he decides to “sing” you to sleep and help you with your makeup when you’re a teenager, just tell him that Nana Lainey says he’s a douchebag and send him on his way.

Possible playdates to watch out for:

Kingston Rossdale: He’s hot, but a total party guy. He’s not someone to get serious with but he’s got a hot dad, so that’s a plus for all those family pool parties they’re sure to have …actually, come to think of it. His mom’s kind of hot too, so yeah, don’t forget to take your camera to those pool parties and email the pictures to Nana Lainey will ya?

Maddox Jolie-Pitt: He’s a funny guy and sure to be a do-gooder, but yeah, if you don’t think this boy is going to have mommy issues in the future, you’re sorely mistaken. (when you get the time read that on story about an unfortunate fella named Oedipus..)

Okay. so I hope you’re taking notes on this. To sum up, hoard all the food you get in the womb, that disgusting smell you sometimes get a whiff of is just Auntie Paris and your dad is a douche.
Also, when it’s time to get out of your skeletal prison, don’t be overly alarmed if the first thing you see is a pile of chopsticks with hair.
That’s just your mother.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shove this letter up your mom’s dry old peesh deliver this letter to you now.

Love,
Your Nana Lainey

On the serious tip, if that bitch Nicole Richie is pregnant (gasp)..she better eat or I will have to shove a bucket of chicken and waffles down her throat. With a gravy chaser.
(mmm! That sounds like party time to me!)

Finally, isn't that photoshopped picture of "nicole's baby" freaky as shit!!! I might have nightmares about that baby crawling on my ceiling later this evening.
(shudders)

7 comments:

Tug said...

oh my holy hell - that picture made me jump back - LOL.

Chopsticks with hair...laughing my ASS off here!!

SHADOW said...

TAKE THAT MONSTROCITY OF A PHOTO DOWN!!

I seriously need a drink right now. I can't be sober and look at that.

There is NO WAY ON EARTH chick is preggers. When you have an ED or low weight such as her's you rarely if ever get your cycle and the body isn't in a healthy norished state to concieve and nourish a baby. In the off chance that you do get knocked up, it will only be temporary as you can never carry a child to full term in that condition.

I acually sickend myself just now by feeding into this story. I'm a sucker.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

wow. Its bad enough to have Nicole as your mom, but then also to face the harsh and cruel reality of having Joel as your dad?!?! YIKES! The only worse parenting combo I can think of is if Hitler and Mussolini decided to get jiggy with it.

Miss-Informed said...

The picture is a nightmare waiting to happen.

Madonna said...

That is one horrifying picture.

Why stick to chicken and waggles and gravy, though? Use some imagination, like Cartman:

Chocolate chicken pot pie

Powdered donut pancake surprise

Toaster pastry chocolate-mix butter bar

Or Cartman's vision of fried chicken with whipped cream and maple syrup

Webmiztris said...

no way she's going to carry that thing to term in her condition...thank god. ooops! did I say that out loud?

tinakala said...

Creepy shit. I mean, picture.