Friday, April 13, 2007

I Am Hollywood's Mother, Father and Baby Jesus...

Whoo Hoo! It’s Friday ya’ll….which really doesn’t mean much of anything when you’re an SAHM… but I’m feeling decidedly chipper on this fine day and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m getting a little bit of a high from my hearty “FrenchVanilla” Slim Fast breakfast. “French Vanilla” being in quotations because apparently, at the Slim Fast Corporation, French Vanilla is another word for sweet and sour cheese. Yes, I think that’s a more appropriate name for their French Vanilla shake, Sweet and Sour Cheese or, even better, Paris Crotch-Roma Blast.

Wow. I think I might have brought my own Friday giddiness down a notch.

Yeah, yeah, I’ll shut up and get FLF started.

Speaking of Paris.....

Dear Paris,

I could write a letter to you every single hour; however, I know that anything past the Dick & Jane level would cause your head to explode. (Damn, I should really write you more letters..) But I HAD to write because I think it’s time for you to come up with a new face. Everyone is getting a little tired of you doing a facial impression of your saggylicious vajayjay. Really, if you had open sores and flies buzzing around your head, the look would be complete. But on a positive note, at least both are “open” for business 24/7right??…..however, it's unfortunate that you can park a truck in both of them too.
So much for my positive spin.
And btw, drugging a gay guy to go out in public with you is just mean. I think you should at least warn him that later on tonight his privates are going to melt off for breathing in the airborne herpes cloud that follows you around. (much like Pig Pen’s dust cloud…but different….. and with crabs…)

Oh Paris my dear.
Why haven’t you set yourself on fire yet?
Take Nicole with you. She’d make great kindling.
(But please do it in an open field! God forbid we breath in the fumes, get Chlamydia up our noses and an irresistible urge to have laxatives for lunch.)

Love, Me.

Dear Kate Moss:

It's completely your business if you want to be engaged to a guy who thinks taking a bath and taking a shit can be done at the same time and place. However, do the rest of us a favor and keep him in a cage or at last borrow a veil from one of Michael Jackson’s kids and drape that trash heap before he slithers into the public eye.
You can also introduce him to a great invention called the toilet paper and tell him not to go scratching knuckle deep into his ass before wiping it. It is a lot like potty training all over again but when you’re the offspring of cousins, things process a little slower in the brain. Those open sores look pretty bad too. Take a moment to look around and see if Paris Hilton is nearby or has recently been there. She leaves noxious fumes and toxic residue that will melt your skin right off. If Paris is nowhere to be found, take a look and see if he’s “cooking” anything on a spoon. That could be a big reason he’s digging “ants” out of his skin. (Drugs are soo cool !)
OH! And most importantly, don’t forget to spade or neuter.

That being said, tell him thanks for making me stick to my diet.
Now excuse me while I go and clean up the vomit from my computer.

Love, me

Dear Tyra,

Don’t even get me started on this season’s “stellar” model hopefuls. (and of course, by “stellar,” I mean, “trailer park.”) I’m disturbed by the fact that I have to choose between a mail order bride (“Nata”) and an obvious ex-drug addict who sounds like Grover (Jael) to be America’s Next Top Model. And what’s with all the baby mommas on this episode?? Don’t get me wrong, high five to them for being all svelte and fit after a baby (those darn teenagers sure bounce back fast from childbirth!), I just want to know if a Caesarean scar is the new black or something. Is this some new fashion trend we should know about?
But yet, somehow, this show is more entertaining than EVER, despite the fact that you choose to dress like a stoned out Aunt Jemima during the judging. (seriously with the headbands!?! and Chaka Khan hair??...looking at you is simply exhausting.) Who knew that an aging ...and fluctuating.. ex-model was a t.v. producin’ genius? I applaud you Tyra and thank you for my weekly brain junk food.

(FLF notes to ANTM Girls)

Dear Jaslene,

Please girl, step up your game! Just thinking about a tranny winning ANTM and getting a contract with Cover Girl fills my heart with joy that is indescribable.

Go Jaslene!

Love, Me.

Dear “Nene,”

When Benny Medina said that you had a “dirty sophistication,” he meant that you were a lot like a toothless crack ho on the street that splurges on Boones Farm after a full day of hand jobs and recycling cans.
Dirty sophistication indeed.

Love, Me.

Dear Dionne,

I love you.

Love, me


This show is trash folks....TRASH.
And I'm the stinky homeless bitch diggin' through it looking for a half eaten sandwich.



Riss said...

How cute that you're writing letters to Paris Hilton, even though she can't read.

jali said...

Another masterpiece.

You put the fried in Friday.

Where'd you find the crusty guy's photo? Yuck!

Madonna said...

Paris can read? Or do you send her a special audio version of FLF?

One of my favorite hobbies is freaking out the Tyra audience when I go see The Price Is Right (yes, both tape from Television City).

Is there anything about Kate Moss that isn't scary?

I hope my own personal version of FLF didn't freak you out.

karaoke queen said...

My secret addiction ANTM. I watch the epidsodes in little bits that some guy uploads to youtube. Go me!

And dude, Can Kate Moss see or is she blind? The guy is gross! And scabby...ewwww.

Tug said...

Paris & Pete need to go away together. Far, far away............

Miss-Informed said...

Kate Moss's boyfriend, fiance, or whatever is absolutely disturbing. This guy is famous? This guy has money???? He is so raunchy. Taken a bath and taken a poo all in the same place:) That is FUNNY!

Webmiztris said...

seriously re: Kate. how does a girl go from Johnny Depp to Pete Doherty? gross! She's officially hit rock bottom.

Kristi said...

Jaslene's got this. As long as cover girl doesn't have any sideways shots of her. Girlfriend's torso looks like a skinny little guitar from the side.

Poor Pete. Just say no y'all.

Kristi said...

Zeus be praised! you had a killer review. :)

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

stoned out Aunt Jemima !! mwahaha !