Friday, March 23, 2007

FLF: Teabags And Coin Purses..in other words: BALLS

Dear Tom,
Do you enjoy breaking my heart? What does Katie have that I can’t buy at the local sex shop? (Vibrating Massager with 6 speeds? Check! Sparkly KY Jelly, Lavender scented? Check! Xenu mask? Check!). Isn’t it enough that I carried your child???!!! Ooops..! I know that’s supposed to be a secret but come on Tom, everyone knows that baby is half Asian. Let’s just own up to mine and Xenu’s creation shall we? ( I know you tried, but yeah, vaginas sure are icky if you’re not used to them. Its okay Tom, I forgive you.)
I just want you to know that I will never forget all the good times I had with you at the Our Lady Tom’s School For Future Wives. I couldn’t concentrate during our ballet class because your tiny ass looks so sexy in a tutu doing a Fouetté en tournant. I don’t know what happened Tom. I totally excelled in your “Pretend Tom is Taller Than You, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Gay” class and yet, somehow, you picked HER over ME. WHY?? I’m not over it and I never will be.
Like I told you before..”blurg bip bip boop deee bebop glib bitch.”

And I mean that from the very bottom of my heart.

It’s so obvious that Katie is not holding up well to the Scientology brainwashing cleansing and she totally forgot what she learned in our crouching class because you look like a 10 year old boy standing next to his babysitter in this picture. It’s time to hand her her pink slip Tom and let me hit it from behind handle the job.

And FYI, had I been your date to that event, I would have let YOU wear the heels and that kimono dress you love so much. Is she that giving? I think not.

Love and Xenu kisses,
Me.


Dear Fergie,

I’m not exactly sure what’s going on here but I do know this, those bitches from Bananarama are pissed you stole their lipstick, so watch your back He-man.
Honestly though, you amaze me Fergie. Between orgami-ing your coin purse to look like a vajayjay and giving yourself a golden shower during concerts, where do you find the time to go and trade your lips in for a baboon’s ass?
Or maybe you’re celebrating Easter early and gave a marshmallow peep a BJ? Well …in case you didn't notice..... you got some ..uh..leftover peep juice on your lips there.
Whatever the case may be, I just wanted to say you’re a multitasking Queen! And by Queen, I mean the “fabulous” type of queen. Priscilla Queen of The Desert type of Queen. Showtunes singing, body shavin’ type of Queen. Put the lotion in the bucket type of...oh you get the picture!

Oh and you’ll have to excuse me for asking this question, but I have not been able to keep track of what minority group you’re suppose to belong to this week. Are we representin’ Puerto Rico this week?
Yo soy Boricua?

Yeah. Makes sense. I like Rosie Perez too.

Love, Me.


Dear Sly,

Man, I have money, not much, but I have some. Do you need any? Because seriously, another Rambo we DO NOT need. I let you have Rocky but I don’t think I ever approved you to do another Rambo. So what could possibly be the plot for this one? Did you lose your walker to a bunch of thieving baby boomers and now you’re on a mission to get it back, but hot damn! How are you going to get those young scallywags when you shit yourself every five minutes?? Oh the problems of an aging action hero. AHA! Depends of course! So there you are, in the thick of the Bingo room, a man on a mission, smelling of piss, poop and REVENGE!!! (insert suspense music here). But no worries, you’ve got your can of Ensure and once you find those criminals, all you have to do is suffocate them with your essence of Ben Gay and Old Spice. And if they still don’t give in, you just show them your needle pocked ass, your liver spotted limp noodle (that's been inoperable for 30 years) and shriveled up teabags. Let them choke on your musty old man smell. (which smells a lot like carrot juice and mothballs..in case you didn't know) They won’t have a chance!!!!

Wow.
I kind of want to see it now.

This letter and the movie Rambo 5(000) is brought to you by Geritol.

Love, Me.


No seriously, I will be the idiot that goes out and sees it because I love Stallone in whatever texture he comes in. (hard as a rock in the 80's and 90's, and now ...lumpy and mealy.) Still love it though. But what do you expect from a woman who has New Kids On The Block's Greatest Hits on her cd rotation?
Not much I'm sure.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYBODY!!!!!

9 comments:

Miss-Informed said...

Fergie is super manly even with her extra matte finish Wet In Wild lipstick! I dig Sly myself and will be seeing that flick for sure. Can't let an old man down!

Tug said...

Oh, yes. These never fail to crack me up - & the Fergie? I'm still laughing. Thanks, & you have a great weekend too.

(my daughter & grandson LOVE peeps. I will never be able to watch them eat one again. and that's OK)

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

you think Sly is making sequels of all his movies? First Rocky, then Rambo.

I hope Cobra is next. Another opportunity to witness the magic of Brigitte Nielsen and Sylvester Stallone.

Webmiztris said...

I seriously don't know what Fergie was thinking when she put on that lilac lipstick. She probably thinks she's so hot she can pull off any color. LOL Her mouth really does look like a sphincter, which does make sense because she is a total ass.

lastlifeinmyuniverse said...

...ive seen fergie from every angle possibly seen on tv and magazines and shes still FUGLY.

her body's bangin but DAMN !

jali said...

My "Sweet Sixteen" marathon on MTV was rudely and frequently interupted by Mr. Fergie and his new video, "Much Less Than Glamourous".

"Hated It." (think Living Color, Men on Books)

I think Sly looks pretty good compared, let's say to Ahnold.

Ice said...

You are too funny for your own good, Elaine...

LOL... YOU crack me the fuck up!

The Gilles Family said...

OK seriously. I think I just missed Carter's wailing because I was laughing too hard. You need to publish this stuff. Or at least really mail these letters. hahaha

Madonna said...

One Rambo was one too many. Four? Don't even get me started...

You know there is something very wrong with this world when it's Bob Barker who is retiring, and Stallone who just won't quit. Ugh.