Friday, February 16, 2007

Fresh Fried Fan Letter Friday!

Dear Bai Ling

I’m going to admit it. I’m a little scared about writing to you because your eyes have the demented look of a woman who would cut off my toes and make dumplings out of them. It saddens me that you and Kimora Lee Simmons (shudders) are one of the few known Asians in Hollywood. Way to represent the “fire dorraah, you sucky sucky” stereotype girlfriend! But never mind that and let’s get to the matter at hand.
What are we doing in this picture exactly? I see you’re mustering up as much “model” vibe as you can and I’m pretty sure you wanted to look sexy, alluring and ethereal. But for those whose vision has not been made hazy with Coke and shrooms, you look like a drugged out Thai brothel worker suffering from the late stages of syphilis, telling your friend (the flower) all your ancient Chinese secrets.

Thou are the Asian Paris Hilton. That poor rose was probably shunned by the other roses in town from the tuna stink you left on its stem.

Love, Me.

Dear Mariah,

Why you make it so hard on me girlfriend? Why!?!? I don’t want to talk about you, I really don’t, but your crusade to look like a Bratz Doll’s momma on parole, keeps me coming back every time.
Let’s first start off with the positives…um………your thighs are well covered. And mind you, you’re not fat per se’; however, those clothes from Forever 21 .., which incidentally, that’s just the NAME of the store my dear, they don’t actually mean that YOU, Mariah, can forever BE 21…or 19…or 17.. or whatever age you and your Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen jacket are trying to convey. You need to return the holey jeans to Donnie Wahlberg circa 1989, you need to return the jacket to that poor middle schooler you stole it from and .…(sniffs air)……yeah, you need to lay off the botox…the sweet stench of botchulism emanates from every pore of your Garfield like face.

Otherwise, as I always say to you Mimi my dear, keep on eatin' on.

Love, Me.

Dear Star,

Terrifying your eyeballs, this is true.
They look as if they are going to shoot right out of you,
Your husband Gay Al can’t hide how he’s so faggy
especially when your breasts are so low and saggy
When you make love to him, he fantasizes like hell,
he really wishes that you were Denzel
But then he opens his eyes at the wrinkled goldfish before
and can’t believe what a mess he’s got himself in.
Pretending he’s a husband and a lover
to a bug eyed piece of chewed up whale blubber.
You’ve done only one good deed from having your flapjacks
Now I have an good idea about what I want to be for Halloween.

Love, Me.

Oy vey that was a BAAAAAD. A poet I am not.

Sorry….so to sum up…
Star is lumpy.

Yeah, I rushed the Fan Letter Friday a bit, can you tell? It’s warm today and I can’t be in front of the computer with you folks. Daughter and I MUST go to the beach, dig giant holes in the sand so unsuspecting joggers can fall into them and I can teach my daughter to laugh and point.

Mom of the Year Award where fore art thou???

Have a Great Weekend Everyone!


Evil Faerie Princess said...

Heya 'laine. Dont know how much you know about this, but Mariah is Playboys March cover girl, with a spread in the mag. Found that out, and thought of you, knowing how much you absolutely love her. (There is sarcasm in that comment) She's apparently not nude though. There aint enough Vaseline in the world to cover THAT lens. Take care!

Miss-Informed said...

Mariah Carey is ugly. She has a face that would make you believe in the Darwin theory, she is the missing link. Have fun at the beach lucky!!! Good luck tripping the unsuspecting!

Tug said...

Mariah needs to dress for her age AND weight - & no, I don't think she's fat at all. still. Star is just scary...maybe she could run away with Bai?

SO jealous of the beach (& how funny with your daughter!!)...I'm wrapped in a blankie shivering. Must.turn.heat.up.

Webmiztris said...

omg, Star does has pancake boobs! Hope her husband likes pancakes.

poor Star. most people look better when they lose a fuckton of weight...

Kristi said...

Too bad fan letter Friday missed Baldy Brit by a day...can't wait for next week!

Note to Starrrrrr: bras are your friends.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Yikes. Some skanky ho posted up on this bitch today!