May Cause Anal Discharge...

Sorry, I'm running out of subject titles and I just now heard the "anal discharge" term on T.V. as one of the symptoms for some pill that helps you lose weight. ("I'm 100 pounds now!...except please excuse the giant shart stain on my size 2 pants") I would rather be obese than have anal discharge. Seriously. What the hell kind of symptom is that? We can put a man on the moon (allegedly) yet, we can't make a weight loss pill that doesn't make your sphincter faucet leak??
Anywhooo......what was I talking about?
Oh right...
So you may be asking what does one do when one is tapped out of new Madonna stuff? (okay, you most likey didn't ask that of me, but I didn't have any other good segways alright picky mcpickerson?!) One could just replay the Madonna DVD over and over again, but since one has a husband who has threatened to pitch the DVD into the dog bowl, (puhleese, unless he wants a crazed midget holding a knife to his achilles tendon, he knows better than to do that. ) One must find something else to occupy one's time. So during this drought, one has to go to the next best thing....which to me, is Gwen Stefani. (Yes, I am not cool enough to like bands/singers that are not on Top 40 or named Cucumber Melon Slices ....or some shit. I am one of the masses. Apologies all around.)

I nabbed me some tickets for her show in Phoenix Arizona on April 28. I decided to go see the concert in Satan's Taint because my friend Debi has the unfortunate luck of living in Arizona and I wanted to go see her and take her to the concert with me. It should be fun and honestly, I'm a lot more fun to be around when it's NOT a Madonna concert. I've been to two No Doubt shows in the past and, without even really trying, I've been front row to both concerts. See how Gwen smiled at my camera?



So yeah, no secret covert operations to gas the security, hide their bodies and squirrel my way to the front. I don't have any self imposed "rules" on myself and others who dare to join me, like I do at a Madonna concert (no going to the bathroom lest I miss any part of the show, no drinks an hour before show starts so I don't have to go the bathroom, no bringing friends who only like "her old stuff" lest I scratch their eyes right out...) ...to sum up, I like the word "lest" and it's tiring being Mrs. Ritchie's bitch. So Gwen's show should be fun.

Moving right along....

Valentine's day is coming up and to be honest, the "excitement" of Valentine's day died for me after elementary school. In school, you got to shop around with your parents and pick out the box of V-day cards that everyone passed out to everybody on V-Day, you debated whether you should include some type of candy treat because you know the candy/card givers were the ones that were genuinely loved that day. It was fun, because no one had to "prove" their love, because even though you were giving a valentine's day card to the kid who smelled like pee and moldy towels, there was an understanding that it really didn't mean anything. Everyone was just happy to be able to munch on some candy in class (it felt like you were getting away with something bad) and maybe have a round of "Heads Up Seven Up" while we waited for the sugar high to kick in.
NOWADAYS however, Valentine's day is hyped up to unrealistic proportions...it's sets up everyone for disappointment by inundating us with "ideas" to make Valentine "memorable" for your loved one...which is really just a ploy to see how much money guys are willing to shell out to score the nana or to at least avoid the icy glare for not getting the right gift or not being as romantic as those imaginary boyfriends/husbands on t.v. "Buy this heart shaped gold pendant with a hidden diamond inside for your Valentine if you REALLY love them, don't just get chocolates and flowers you loser!"
What's wrong with chocolate and flowers?? Present me with chocolate and I will know that you truly love me. Present me with CHOCOLATE FLOWERS and fer sure you're getting LAH-AID. Maybe I'm just a simple gal, but I don't need all the hoopla for me to feel loved....if someone needs a three ring circus with a fire breathing dragon doing the Macarena to make them feel like their significant other loves them, then they should be really glad I'm not their significant other because they would get a box of chalky valentine hearts and LIKE IT. (and they should know that fire breathing dragons dancing in your living room is frowned upon by Smokey The Bear.) I don't have anything against big romantic gestures, I just have something against being "forced"
to do it on a certain day and placing unrealistic expectations to "prove" your love with how much money you spend. (Thanks Hallmark! Fuckers.)

One of the sweetest but more disturbing gifts I got for Valentine's day was from my ex. He was very big on making romantic gestures that stank of insincerity with a sprinkle of hidden agenda. (to make himself look great). I'm sure he did love me and I'm sure he really thought that a giant stuffed dog, a giant bouquet of flowers, and a box of candy bigger than my head, that he brought to me at work, would be sweet. But making me take the long way out while holding my gifts (which required that I walk in front of other co-workers, ) so he could get a tickertape parade from other chicks about being "the sweetest boyfriend ever!" kind of made me lose that lovin' feelin.
Anyways, one time he got me an ENTIRE outfit for Valentine's day. Skirt, cute top, shoes, earrings, the ENTIRE outfit. That matched.
That he shopped for.
BY HIMSELF.
With no female assistant to be found.
It WAS cute....and I'm sure other women out there would've LOVED that, but for some reason, I suddenly felt like I was in a lesbian relationship or that I had just gotten a gift from my flamboyant hairdresser Francois'. Plus, I also knew he would want me to wear the outfit just so other girls can ask me something about it and I can say, "oh.the greatest boyfriend in the world got me this outfit...aren't I lucky??" Swoon.
Instead, I told others that my life partner got me the outfit for our commitment ceremony.
I don't know why he got so mad about that.

Best Valentine's gift ever?
This guy I was dating had no money so he got me a pint of my favorite ice cream -Chocolate Malted Crunch from Rite Aid (with a red spoon taped on the side!) and a box of chalky Valentine candy.

The man obviously studied and took notes on his customer.

Which is probably why I married him. :D