Friday, January 19, 2007

FLF Tribe Presents: She Who Talks Shit.

Dear Ryan,

Bitter, table for one?

Awww, what’s the matter Mr. Frosty Tips? Did you ask Angelina questions only to have her look at you like you were a crusty brown dingleberry on national front of (gasp) Brad? How could she not fall under the enchanting spell of Ryan Seacrest? I mean, you applied your bronzer right on the apples of your cheeks, your stylist re-highlighted your tips "just so" (butterscotch blonde number 20 to be exact), you got a mustache, eyebrow and crack wax and put glitter lip gloss on by Bonnie Bell that smelled of sweet cotton candy. How could she have not been dying to come and bask in the Seacrest Fruit Swirl and partake in the witty reparte’ that you engage all the celebrities in? What is wrong with that bitch? And to think she tried to upstage you by showing more cleavage!
I know you’re truly baffled by the rebuff from St. Angelina, but as usual, I’m here to clear things up. There are several reasons that she may not have been receptive to your thought provoking questions, (like that question you asked that the world was dying to know, “what did the kids have for breakfast today?”).
One possible reason could be because you’re a douchbag, another reason could be is that you’re a big fat phony McSally, Governor of Asshatville, or maybe she was rendered speechless because she didn't know how one man can apply mascara on so impeccably with no clumps, or maybe because you’re a buttmunch, or maybe you blinded her with your white linoleum bionic teeth that are the size of large chiclets, maybe she had never seen a Eunuch before, or maybe, she was pondering as to why a giant walking TOOL like you gets paid to talk, let alone breath. Or maybe she realized she had your Brazilian waxed nuts in her purse.

It could be all those reasons or it could be the reasons that have the words “douche," "asshat, "tool," "butt," and "munch” in it.

Either way, wipe those tears from your eyes you penis tuckin, Sean Cody watchin’, put the lotion in the basket, Nancypants.
Maybe you’ll get Brad to check you out next year.

Love, Me.

Dear Britney,

I cringed the other night darling. I cringed because I realized that….

I miss Kevin.

Yes I know, I hadn’t thought it possible but your downward spiral into next season’s The Surreal Life is making him look like (gasp) the better parent! I’m thinking that your gaping stinkbox of a vaginer swallowed up your last chance at a “comeback,” (I think it also ate the Costco sized bag of Cheetohs by your nightstand when you were sleeping, so don’t be alarmed by those puffs of orange dust when you mean, walk). It appears you’ve gone from “country” to “mildly retarded.” You’re lucky that you live in the modern world, where the worst that could happen is that PerezEightPoundWaterhead Hilton blogs about you fifty times a day. Imagine if you were part of a Native American tribe years ago? I can only imagine how difficult it would be to decide on your member name:

She Who Drops Babies?
Smells Of Cheese?
Fishy Cooch, Yellow Teeth?
Sniffing Finger?
Dances With A Bad Weave?
Shaggie Tittie, Flapping Twat?
Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers ..clean up on Aisle 5?
Needs To Be Put Down?
Chews Gum Like Cow?

At least as a member of an Indian tribe you would come to good use when it comes to torturing enemies.

Britney: “Hey Ya’ll, you wanna hur my new Sawngs??”
Enemy: noo……please….
Britney: ohmuhgawd I don’t know why, but my coochie shore is itchee. Them people say its cuz I dunt take showers, but I ain’t takin’ no showers. Showers are fer the DEVIL!
Enemy: oh god..please, shut up shut up shut up.
Britney: When my coochie itches I just figer its tryin’ to tell me it wants a lil Vienna Sausage! Hee hee hee! Ya'll know what’ I’m sayin’?? Hee hee hee!
Enemy: OKAY! Okay! I GIVE UP! Please get this skank away from me!!
Britney: Okay, this is going to sound sooooooo cuhrazzy, but…you’re kinda keewwt! You wanna git married??? I’m reeel good at it.

Love, Me.

Dear Justin:

I know your head is about as big as Star Jone's ass at this point with the success of your CD and everyone wanting to lick your manicured feet; however, please know your place. You are in NO WAY (nor will you EVER be) comparable to Prince. Oh sure, you’re bringing “sexyback” and admittedly, it’s quite easy to get the ladies (or the dudes) when you’re a tall strapping young man who was blessed with good genetics. But how well would do you think you would do if you were 4’10, with a dirt smudge mustache, weighing a buck o five soaking wet, singing about doves who cry? Yeah, YOU would have probably gotten ass raped EVERY day at school had you pulled that stunt. Howthefuckever, Prince has rocked the height, sang at octaves you can only dream about, wore chaps with his ass hanging out, glittery purple suits and has banged more girls than your limp little clitoris would know what do to with.

Evidence? Prince’s greatest hits roster looks something like this….Carmen Electra, Sheila E., Susanna Hoffs, Mayte, (I think at one point Madonna and him had a tryst… but he got scared when Madge had bigger balls than him). And NOT only did he bang these chicks, but soon after being banged by the magic purple Prince wand, THEY becames famous (not in a K-fed way though..).
What’s your greatest hits roster???
Britney Spears (feast your eyes on the above picture) and Cameron Pockface Diaz.
Show some respect little boy….you are but a 99 cent store Prince copycat. Know Thy Place.
Sexy never went away, you just had to get better taste and look down at the pimp before you:

Love, Me.

I know, I know, that last letter wasn’t so much as “joking” as it was “annoyed.” But seriously, who the hell does that little pre-pubescent smarmy jackass think he is?
OOooh I got 2 cds that other, more talented people produced the hell out of and I banged all the “hottest” skags in Hollywood, I’m SO the man now.
Don’t make me bring out your beauty pageant sash Justina.

Okay, I’m over it.

EDIT* Sorry, in case some of you didn't see the Golden Globe awards, THIS is why I'm annoyed at Justin. It WAS kind of funny but still....I only wished Prince's midget ass could have showed up just at that time to kick that pompous jackass. Plus, you know how us midgets get all bitchy about the whole height thing.... ;P



Dark Damian said...

An ode to famous people who are famous for doing not all that much:

You all pretty much suck.

The end.

Jenne Lou said...

I love the word buttmunch.

That is all.

Oh yeah....and I love me some FLF!!

jali said...

Midget power!

Miss-Informed said...

Fantastic pic you found of old Brit Brit. Puke! It does appear in some strange and unexpected way he is coming out the better parent.

**P.S.- I hate Spencer!!!!